I can’t believe it, but the third episode of Ice Loves Coco forced me into an existential crisis. I’ve stared at The Sachika Twins for so long that I can no longer tell if they’re pretty, as I first presumed. When I started the process of screencapping and found myself staring at them, hardly blinking, for extended periods of time, I realized that though they are aesthetically pleasing individuals, I don’t think they’re pretty. I think they might be tricking us. They are scary. I was reminded of the Siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp and, oh god, does that make me racist? Am I racist now? When did that happen? Maybe they’re not twins at all, did I ever think about that? That makes me super racist. What if they’re only pretend twins for their company and I’m only imagining that they look identical? I don’t know how I’m going to tell all of my non-white friends that I can’t like them anymore because I recently found out I’m racist. It’s just going to be so uncomfortable.
Though the twins are dressed in outfits that Barbie would kill for, they dress Coco in a dress that was vomited by a tropical rainforest.
Back at Coco HQ, the gang beings to prepare for Coco’s upcoming birthday party but become distracted over the problems of Ice’s buddy, Marc. Marc is a damn-near 40-year-old individual who dresses like a mix between Harry Potter and one of those guys from the Teach Me How To Dougie band. I’m not going to lie to either you or myself, there was a piece of me partially attracted to Marc’s attempt at looking nerd-cool until I heard the boy was pushing 40. You have to drop outfits like that after 30.
Ice-T looks wistful with dreams of yesteryear as Coco explains the womanizing ways of Marc
I have been a fan of Ice and Coco for years now, but I did not realize how in love they really are. Maybe I’m being suckered in by E! (as E! so often does to me) but I believe in their love. Ice wants to make Coco happy on her 32nd birthday and I can’t think of anything sweeter. He explains to the viewer that her birthday means more to him than Christmas or any other holiday, which really made me jealous because I don’t know of a single person who would say that about me right now. In fact, I’m pretty sure no one would even hold my birthday higher than Arbor Day.
Professional Rapper Ice T’s Customized Rap for the Love of His Life:
Whachu gonna do when you turn 32?
Your party days are through, now you’re 32.
You gotta do something new
Stop hanging out with your crew
No comment, for fear of insulting Ice T.
While Ice and his friends hit up the studio to work on a new track meant for Coco’s upcoming single ‘Shoe Freak’, he receives a call from his lovely lady asking him to pick up her clothes from the twins. Remember them? The ones that should have been in The Shining instead of those little girls? Ice’s response is a dream to any woman out there: “You know I got that. Love you. Out.” What. A. Behavioral. Babe.
While Ice picks up Coco’s dress, Marc picks up one of the twins. Upon learning this news, Coco displays her annoyance with the situation. Marc doesn’t have a job or a place to live and is a known womanizer. No one wants that for their friend. Especially if that friend in question hooks you up with expensive dresses. Despite her reservations, she agrees to go on a double date with them.
When To-Tam asks Marc why he’s single, he informs her that he just hasn’t met the right woman yet, which is nearly always code for “I live at my mom’s house.”
“He’s going to take me to Paris,” says To-Tam to Ice and Coco over their white wine. “He can’t even take you to Denny’s,” think Ice and Coco.
Coco visits the studio to lay down vocals for her track, which, as far as I can tell consist mostly of her reading a list of designer shoe names. I’m really thankful for this moment because I experience anxiety over mispronouncing the names of expensive things for fear of my true poverty colors shining through.
Though Coco heads over to the club for her birthday party, Ice sneakily stays behind to finish her track. He wants to surprise her by playing it over the club speakers as a present. Unfortunately, the song is not up to Ice T’s par. We heard his custom birthday rap earlier, so Shoe Freak must have been in dire straits.
Dan Da Man purses his lips, shakes head to show disappointment in Shoe Freak
They finish the song, and not a moment too soon. Ice walks through the door and Coco claims she hears an angelic choir. “It was like God walking in!”
Ice explains that he was late because he had a surprise for her. Just then, Shoe Freak emanates from the sound system and we are consequently presented with the Happiest Couple on Earth.
The Happiest Couple on Earth.