It looks like Ice Loves Coco has a fourth star to add to it’s roster. Ladies and Gentlemen, Coco’s OCD is simply hogging all of the limelight.

Coco T and I have so much in common that it’s incredible. I too must dust off the plastic-wrapped magazines that feature Coco’s half naked body. Unrelated, but if anyone is looking for a band name, I just made up Coco’s Butt featuring the Other Body Parts.

As a sped-up bird’s-eye view showcases Coco  vacuuming and dusting her living room, Ice parlays pro-tips for anyone who is a husband of a woman suffering from OCD: “If your wife gets smart and starts cleaning the house, come on. Can you beat that?” I don’t know, sounds like a challenge for Chris Brown. HEY-O!

I personally find it audacious that Coco would even consider wearing heels that short.

Much of  Coco’s spring cleaning is to prepare for the arrival of her sister, Kristy. Kristy hails from Arizona and is pregnant with her fifth child. She is exactly what you would expect Coco to sound and act like if she were a mom of 5 who lived in the Southwest.

My secret boyfriend Christopher Meloni makes an appearance and I could not be happier. I can only hope that someday he will have his own reality show. All I want out of life is for him to know I exist. It’s a sick obsession I have with this wish, but it’s going to happen. I feel it. I once had a bet with my friend over who would meet Steven Tyler first and I won. I won in a Target. I met Steven Tyler in the same place I buy my tampons. I’ll probably meet Christopher Meloni at a Subway or something.

Muggin’ Meloni, staring right into the camera.

 

Later, back at home, Kristy tells Coco to wake up her baby with a flashlight. She tells Coco where the head is and that’s where I’m done describing this scene because I can’t handle knowing that you can discern where a fetus’ head is when it’s inside of you.

Kristy drops a bomb of a request when she asks Coco to be her doula. No one, Coco least of all, seems to think this is a good idea. No one except Soulgee. “I think that you’ll be fabulous,” Soulgee says. What a  great cheerleader. He’s a yes-man on the outside, but in the end he tells it like it is. Still, I find myself hating him for no reason.  Wait, I just realized the reason: his name is Soulgee.

When Coco lets T in on her sister’s request, he produces as many wrinkles as Spartacus. He explains to the viewer that Coco can make a grilled cheese, but midwifery is not in her wheelhouse.

 

I am the opposite of a neatfreak, but my one pet peeve in terms of cleanliness is shoes in the house. How can this couple wear shoes in their carpeted living room when Coco has OCD? Do you think they have designated house shoes? Do they change them upon house reentry, like a modern day Mr. Rogers?

Coco begins to prepare for her role of Doula. Though she has signed up for a Lamaze class, she finds herself without a partner to simulate with. She begins to call her closest girl friends, only to find that no one wants to pretend to be a pregnant woman for reality television.

“You’re my first choice, I wanted you to come with me,” she pleads with the fifth or sixth person she’s called. Haven’t we all done that? There’s been so many times I’ve asked a person to attend a concert with me just so I have a witness if someone tries to murder me.

Stuck without a faux-preggo, Coco asks her trusty sidekick Soulgee to attend the birthing class with her. Soulgee, ever the opportunist, is quick to say yes.

At Lamaze, Coco asks the approriate questions a newly hired Doula should, and here’s the one and only instance where Coco and I have differed in our entire lives: Coco is worried about the baby just “popping out” or that she will poke the baby’s eye. If I were in her position, I would be worried about the baby just “popping out”, or that I will poke the baby’s eye, or that the umbilical cord is wrapped around it’s neck, or that I somehow forgot my instructions and pulled the baby too hard and separated its brain stem from its spinal cord, or that my brain will decide that that’s the day it will cease to work like a normal human being and I will turn into a raging murderer and take a scalpel to everyone’s Achilles tendons.

It could happen. I don’t want it to, but it could, and I am always mindful of that.

The Lamaze teacher graces Coco with some birthing videos so she can prepare for the real thing.

I always watch birthing videos whilst intertwined with my lover.

Above, a rapper and famous butt-model’s faces upon seeing a birthing video acts as a mirror of how society views a baby tearing out a vagina like it doesn’t even care about its mother.