Big Booty Power Hour

Ice Loves Coco Episode 101: Baby's Got Bridal

I can’t tell you how excited I am to have an entire season of Ice Loves Coco. Coco is my queen. I have a long and drawn out history of loving Coco T that involves googling her non stop  since I learned of her existence. I even occasionally write fan-fiction about her brain. She’s my muse.

Right away I know that this show will pull a big haul at the Emmy’s. Maybe even The Oscars and a couple Grammys, too. This show knows no bounds, it will literally create it’s own categories in award shows that normally would never have a reality show among it’s nominees.

Coco is standing in the kitchen wearing a short dress and high heels, asking T if he wants a breakfast sandwich with cheese. “Dope,” Ice responds, with reading glasses perched on his nose like so many grandfathers in the suburbs around me.

Let’s just take a moment and picture how Ice’s realization of his age-onset ocular deterioration went down. Did he grapple with it, making excuses like poor lighting and too small of a print? Or did he go easy into a Lenscrafters, with the calm understanding of a Buddhist monk?

“I think our relationship works because we’re the ‘old-fashioned’ relationship type,” Coco explains to the camera in the sit-down interview portion of the show. She tells the camera that a woman should be okay with making her man a sandwich when he gets home. In a move that wins my heart, my soul, my libido, Ice is quick to interrupt with a “and if you’re the stay-at-home Dad, and she’s coming home from work, make her a g*****n  sandwich.”

Ice T for President! Ice T for Vice President! Ice T for all of the US government!

The power couple reveal that they’ve only spent 1 night a part in 10 years. They also reveal, get this, that they only have one phone. They share a cell phone. I don’t even like sharing a glass of water with someone.

While Coco is in a meeting with her two trusty sidekicks, the near silent Sparkles and ever head nodding Soulgee, when she updates them on her OCD. Did you hear an audio clip of a record scratching when Coco talks about how bad her OCD has gotten? I did. It looked like her companions did, as well.

“Your OCD?” Soulgee asks, obviously confused and appearing as if he has never heard about Coco’s crippling disorder that allegedly effects her so.

“It’s moved on to other things. When I have a bad thought, I get freaked out and have to say ‘transmute, transmute, transmute’,” she offers in explanation.

I think Coco might be embelishing a bit for her reality show. I don’t want to think that, but it’s happening regardless and I don’t like thinking it — transmute, transmute, transmute.

Spartacus, the real star of the show, is their English Bulldog pup who I’ve watched via Twitter grow from roly-poly puppy to roly-poly adult since he came home with Coco. His mom tries so hard to get him an agent, going so far as to buy him a coat that costs more than any of my coats. I mean, just so we get the full effect of what I’m feeling right now: The same week I had to wear a pin in the shape of a star on my shirt to cover the hole in my cardigan is the same week I watched a rapper and his butt-model wife purchase a jacket for an English Bulldog.

In preparation for being the new face for one of the new House of Bridal Couture boutiques, Soulgee (I still can’t believe that’s someone’s professional nickname) gives Coco a course in being a little more high brow. Call me crazy, but I assumed that if this company hired Coco to model for their wedding dresses, their idea of couture is closer to that of Juicy. We don’t need no Tyra lessons.

Sure enough, at the actual photos hoot, Coco’s attempts of demure looks are met only with disapproval. You don’t hire a plumber to fix your door bell, you know? Ice takes his wife to the side and suggests that she stop trying to be what she isn’t, because it’s not what they want.

In the most ridiculous moment of the episode, Ice T is talking to a closet that Coco is hiding in while wearing his sunglasses indoors. Wait, I’m sorry, no, the most ridiculous moment is when Coco opens the door to reveal it is not a closet, but a tanning booth placed by her stairwell. Ice T is so smart about wearing sunglasses. Always about eye health, that guy.

Coco is gracious enough to let us in on her exercise routine. Most reality stars don’t allow such a thing for fear it shows them in an unattractive light. Yet with Coco, her natural beauty shines through. You would almost swear that she’s wearing a full face of make up in her gym while wearing giant, see-through stiletto heels…

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