I Want To Marry Han Solo

When it comes to classic lovers, Romeo just doesn’t do it for me. He’s too impetuous and prone to suicide. I can’t warm up to the icy Edward Cullen, either. He’s extremely mopey and keeps whining about how he’s a monster.  Rhett Butler likes hanging out with Belle Watling a little too much. Jack Dawson can’t hold down a job or climb onto wreckage to save his life. Noah Calhoun is just too, too perfect for me to possibly handle. And as much as I love Mr. Darcy, I think a life at Pemberly would be boring after a while.

There only one romantic hero that I want to marry and that is Han Solo.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably like, “Hold the iPhone, Meghan. Why would you equate Han Solo with the likes of epic lovers like Jack Dawson, Romeo Montague and Rhett Butler?”

Maybe you didn’t spend your adolescence watching Star Wars, but I did. For me, the original Star Wars trilogy* isn’t just one of the greatest adventure stories ever cribbed from other great adventure stories, but it was also the perfect romance.

A handsome rogue and a feisty freedom fighter “meet cute” in a space dungeon and then discover if a guy and girl can just be friends while bringing the evil Galactic Empire. Spoiler alert: They can’t. True love always gets in the way.

It doesn’t matter though if you think Star Wars is romantic or not (It is! Watch the scene where he gets slowly lowered into the carbonite!). What matters is that Han Solo would make the best husband of all time.

First of all he’s sexy. I think sexiness is important in husband material and there’s nothing sexier than a man who understands Imperial trash dumping protocol and how to exploit it for survival purposes.  So, Han’s smarts and survival instincts are sexy.

His face is also very sexy. I’m not sure if you’ve looked at late 1970’s/early 1980’s era Harrison Ford lately, but the man was beautiful. He had sweet puppy dog eyes, a crooked smile and a scar on his chin from when a wooden beam fell on his face. Also, there’s his wink. Have you seen his wink? His wink is extraordinary.

Han Solo also has incredible style and panache. Have you seen the way he carries a blaster on a belt slung low above his hips? Have you heard the way he always thinks of a witty comeback to every situation? That retort is usually just, “It’s not my fault!”, but he says it with such wit that you find yourself smiling in a moment of crisis.

Then there’s his sweet ride. Look, I’m not that impressed with most cars. I think where you’re going is more important that the vehicle getting you there. That said, I would go anywhere with a man if he was the captain of the Millennium Falcon. I mean, come on, it’s the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs–which is amazing because it supposed to be 18 parsecs long! And if you’re ever bored while on the run from the Imperials, the ship also has a space chess**!

Some people, like my mother, might shake their head at Han’s career choice. Smuggling isn’t the most “legal” of professions, but you have to hand it to Han for taking initiative in his life. He’s putting his skills to good use and trying to make the most of his situation in life. Not everyone can be a lawyer.

That said, Han has a loyal heart. Consider in The Empire Strikes Back when he disregards the warnings of the nameless Rebel fighter who tells him that if he goes out looking for the missing Luke that his “tauntaun will freeze before [he] hits the first marker.” Han doesn’t care that he might die trying to save his friends. Han also trusts his friends even after they, like Lando, are forced to sell him out to Vader. He also loves Chewbacca. I’m not saying it’s anything more than platonic, but Han Solo really loves Chewbacca. What I’m saying is he’s a good and loyal friend and that’s really important in a long-term relationship.

Finally, the biggest reason I want to marry Han Solo is because the man has impeccable taste in women. Even though he’s called a scoundrel, we don’t see him flirt or pursue any other women in any of the Star Wars films except for Princess Leia. Okay, so there aren’t a ton of other ladies present, but he’s not making eyes in the cantina at any alien dancing girls and he’s not winking at any of the other Rebel control ladies.

From his first interactions with Leia, Han sees that she’s difficult, strong, and smart. Though it initially seems like this makes him dislike her, it becomes evident when he tells Luke, “Still she’s got a lot of spirit…do you think a Princess and guy like me–” that it’s Leia’s fire that turns him on–and that it’s a long shot that she would deign to be with him. Han loves Leia for the same reason that most other men would be irritated or intimidated by her.

Call me crazy, but I want to marry an incredibly fun, handsome and loyal guy who thinks I’m awesome and that I deserve to be won.

Oh, and if some space reptile like Greedo tried to mess with me, he wouldn’t even get to, because Han would totally shoot him first.

*I don’t have time to discuss my extremely complicated feelings towards the prequel films or the expanded universe here. This isn’t about the Star Wars galaxy. This is about Han Solo and how he needs to be mine.

**I’m pretty sure the game R2D2 and Chewbacca play in A New Hope is not officially called “space chess”. It just looks like “space chess”, so I call it “space chess”.

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