I Want to be BFFs with Emma Watson (But Not Suri Cruise)

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be friends with famous people. Of course, the thing about this is that I don’t actually know any famous people, so any personalities I assume them to have are just that–assumptions. We take what we know from the characters they play and their interviews and concoct these intensely likable characteristics that obviously make them the perfect companion for us. As childish as I know this is, and as undeniably creepy… I don’t care, I really want to be best friends with my version of Emma Watson.

First of all, she is super nice. It took me like, eight years to decide this. I used to hate her because I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERMIONE and she was all pretty and perfect and when she was younger, she would talk about how she didn’t really like Hermione and why are you biting the hand that fed you, Emma?! But now that I have grown up (and so has she), I’ve realized that Emma’s a really nice girl.

In conjunction with this niceness, I would expect her to let me borrow her clothes all the time. “Oh my goodness, Marc Jacobs sent me another dress he wants me to wear to the premiere, doesn’t he know I like to support independent designers who need the publicity? Do you want it?” Yes, Emma. Yes I do. I also want that hoodie you’re wearing. Gimme.

She’d also be really into making me work out. It’d probably be the bitchiest thing about her. She’d be all mean and say horrible things to inspire me to get my butt to a treadmill and actually do something good for my body. “Becca, you had twelve cupcakes today. If you don’t come with me to the gym, I will tell Rupert Grint that you got too fat for your date on Friday.” Oh yeah, she’d also hook me up with her ginger friends.

The girl has impeccable fashion. Even when she’s just out and about, she looks amazing. I do not. I look like a drowned beaver half the time. I could really use her help. She’d get so annoyed with me to the point where she’d totally be like Samantha in Sex and the City and be all, “You’re taking my appointment with super fabulous stylist here in New York City, don’t be late!” And I, the Miranda in this situation, would leave her alone with my baby. Even though I don’t have a baby. So I guess that would happen a lot later in our friendship.

I promise I wouldn’t use her for her connection to J.K. Rowling.

I would use her for her connection to Dan Radcliffe, who I also think would be an awesome best friend. Now that he has his drinking under control (even though it was a mind explosion when he announced that he once had a problem. I mean seriously, who saw that coming?!), I feel like he could be the coolest cat on the block, Jimmy Dean style. Wait, James Dean style. The guy would be wearing leather jackets all the time and slick his hair back and when he picked me up for our outing where we’d meet up with other cool people, he’d be wearing sunglasses and go, “Hey girl, you ready to par-tay?” in this totally hot, American way. I can only imagine he’s really assimilated now that he’s been living in NYC. The City, as he calls it. But we wouldn’t be romantic. As I mentioned above, I’d totally be dating Rupert at this point.

Emma would be that friend who holds you when you cry for about ten minutes, then puts the Hermione face on and goes, “Time to get over it,” and would then not put up with any more of my crap. I need friends like that. Ten minutes of kindness, then no more sympathy. Emma would be so good at that.

She’s also stupid smart. Oh, I should explain: I’ve been using the word “stupid” instead of “really” or “very” lately. It’s stupid awesome. She went to Brown University and is now abroad at Oxford (which is ironic, since she’s from Oxford, so it’s not abroad for her! Oh, the silliness of it all!) which further proves that she is stupid smart.

I might use her for her connection to J.K. Rowling.

She’s been to Pittsburgh! She filmed Perks of Being a Wallflower here! And she even told Regis and Kelly that she liked it! Someone told me that she went to an Eat ‘n Park around my area to pick up some friends. I respect this for two reasons: 1) she’s clearly a reliable friend who is more than willing to abuse her chauffeur for her friends, and 2) she didn’t actually eat there. I can really get behind a girl like that. Except their chicken fingers are soooooo good.

Overall, Emma would be a great friend. I think her kindness, her charity to my closet and hair, and her connection to the Harry Potter community would make her a really great addition to my life.

Suri Cruise would be a great friend too, but I feel like if I ever went to her house to watch some French documentaries and sat on her couch, it would just sag beneath me. Like, keep your dad in control, Suri, and then we can discuss our future as BFFs.

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