Champagne Problems I Think I'm (We're) Too Old For House Parties JC Coccoli

House party etiquette is something laughable.  “What? You want us to throw a party AND have food? What are you, gettin-naked-in-Vegas royalty? You should be just happy you got the invite! Do you know how much this fog machine cost us? Like, a lot.”

I guess it’s only fair to want certain things now that we are in our adult lives. For me, it’s simple things that used to not matter in the slightest. Hand soap in the bathroom. For you not to smell musty after a shower. And, food at a house party. It’s weird. I used to party it up at some of the swankiest gigs in LA but in all honesty, I can remember two that might have had a cracker and cheese plate so I could take a break from the awkward eye contact I was making with the other invited guests.

Maybe it’s because we are just in it (“it” being the party ) to drink, then make out with that one tiny guy that keeps offering to “take you upstairs and show you where the bathrooms are” even though you absolutely know where the bathrooms are because you are a woman. And women know where the bathrooms are. Always. Also, they weirdly can pick out your silverware drawer in a kitchen they’ve never been in, too. (Weird feminine super powers, yo.)

I guess all I am asking is if you are at this late 20s point in your life and are throwing a shin dig, why not spring for a bit more in the appetizer department?  I guess it’s as weird as asking women to go back to dressing up all fancy n’ junk like in the old days.  But geez, if asked, I’ll bring stuff. Just stop throwing parties where it’s red cup city, no ice, tanks of crappy vodka and zero grub. Because that’s not a party. What it is, is a high school gathering with people that look like they pay taxes.

If you have time to lug in a fog machine to distort the reality of your guests, chances are, you had the same amount of time to pop a tray of eggrolls into the micro and toss them on a plate like a boss. Just sayin’.

Image via Shutterstock; Alice Dison

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  1. Hilarious. And the lack of hand soap was annoying even when I WAS the correct age to go to house parties. The worst thing was when they were out of toilet paper, though. I’ve gone through lots of cabinets that I probably shouldn’t have trying to find rolls.

  2. Looks like you need to come to one of my parties, which always include apps, main and side dishes, desserts, and booze! Plus there is always a theme, which makes it so much more fun. :)