In honor of Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy with what I can only imagine is a small horse, my ’90s Video Breakdown is back and more bloated than ever!
Before Jess made a baby and a weave collection and 100 billion dollars worth of platform wedges, she was just a wholesome Christian girl from Texas, forced to compete with a couple of former Mouseketeers/disciples of the devil:
While Britney and Christina sinned their way up the charts, Jessica stayed faithful to God and mom jeans in the video for her 1999 dance jam, ‘I Think I’m In Love With You’.
Warning: this video is SFW. I mean, it’s REALLY Safe For Work. It is essentially the SAFEST FOR WORK thing on the entire internet, next to this:
Without further ado, let’s go straight to the badlands of Santa Monica, where Jess is just strolling back from the mall with her racially diverse posse of BFFs…
…and Ashlee Simpson’s old nose!!
After hitting up a sale on crop tops, the girls return to their car, wisely parked all by itself in a deserted back alley.
There, they notice a group of strong, rugged, masculine movers doing some heavy lifting …
…and a killer running man.
Yep, just a spontaneous back-alley dance break by a couple of straight dudes in cut-off overalls.
I wish my moving company broke out into a choreographed dance. Instead, they drank my Diet Coke and cracked the drywall in my foyer.
Regardless, Jessica is intrigued by these rhythmic movers and makes her way over to seduce them with her sultry smile and a crucifix.
Yes, this was Jessica at her most virginal. A minister’s daughter with the voice of an angel and the sexual prowess of a Jonas Brother. An active proponent of abstinence, Jessica publicly proclaimed that she was saving herself until marriage.
Which should not be difficult in this outfit:
On the bottom: A casual chain belt and flared Mavi’s to protect her sacred flower.
On top: An awkward attempt to hide her giant bosom or a subtle homage to another ’90s icon:
I hear one of these is on display at the Smithsonian.
After teasing the blue-collar workers with her purity ring and Shakespearian blouse, Jess and the girls hop into their chastity wagon and happily drive off into the… okay, this is just not safe.
But seriously. I’m pretty sure even virgins have to obey the seat belt laws in California.
Not only could you incur a $20 fine, but standing up in a convertible driving 60 miles/hour over a suspension bridge is just not… Oh, Sweet Jesus.
Jessica, you might want to turn around. I said TURN AROUND!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP DANCING LIKE MY MOTHER AT A WEDDING AND LOOK BEHIIIND YOUUUU!!!
THE MOVERS FROM THE DESERTED BACK ALLEY HAVE STRIPPED DOWN TO NOTHING BUT TANK TOPS AND ARE CHASING YOU AND YOUR SCANTILY CLAD FRIENDS IN AN UNMARKED WHITE VAN!!
Its okay, I’ve seen this on SVU. Just take a deep breath and sit down. Then, grab your giant 1999 cell phone and call the police. If you don’t have a cell phone, press the emergency button on your pager. If you don’t have a pager, you’re a f**king loser.
Either way, you need to contact the authorities immediately.
Or… just turn around and wave at them. Perfect. While you’re at it, why don’t you just go ahead and find a dark, secluded place under the bridge where you and your van full of rapists can all get together for a group dance routine!
Okay, I wasn’t serious.
But I do have a feeling that after seeing you shake what your momager gave you, these guys might be significantly less interested.
Yep. Those are the moves of someone who’s never had sex.
After several counts of the Rodger Rabbit and some seriously abstinent carnival fun, Jessica, Ashlee Simpson’s old nose and some chick’s bum crack hop back in the chastity wagon…
…and ride off into the sunset.
Towards a bright future of million-dollar proactive campaigns, edible perfumes and making babies out of wedlock.
And therein lies the irony. While she shimmied and swayed in that puffy shirt and crucifix, if only sweet Jessica could have known that years later she would get her message of chastity across loud and clear.
Kids… THIS is what happens to you if you have sex:
That should do it.
Woweee JSimp is huge!!! I totally just made her name not cool, sorry!
Literally, the funniest thing I have read ALL day or even ALL YEAR!
I love this.
Jessi, this article is making me miss The After Show!
OK, so people come to HelloGiggles and suddenly lose their sense of humor?? Lighten up, people!! Lighten UP!!
ugh! totally. some people…
I forgot about the old Jessica Simpson. Watching this music video again reminded me of my account name on Neopets from when I was like 11 years old, because the account name was after one of her songs. And the password is the same password I’ve used since then. Seriously. Except, since it has been so long since I last longed in Neopets asked me to enter my birthdate for security reasons. I lied on that part for some reason because my real birthday doesn’t work. Thanks for a trip down memory lane!
Really? An article ripping apart a girls outfit from over a decade ago, a time that wasn’t really a good look for any of us….Taking a dig at her because she said she was waiting till marriage…something we heard a whole lot more about from BritBrit, it was the late 90s pop thing to say…Somehow managing to take a dig at her for being a successful business woman with her own shoe line…BUT MOST OF ALL bookending it with two digs about Jessica being fat and bloated while nine months pregnant is keeping with the positivity, Hellogiggles?
Also, she was a virgin when she got married. Can we know for sure? No. But the way Nick Lachey ran down the aisle to get married is one clue. Yes, she’s having a baby out of wedlock. But she’s now a 31 year old woman in a committed relationship who is engaged to be married. You’re really going to insinuate she’s a hypocrite because of the way her record company chose to market her when she was 19? Again, because of that we can now rip on her for being fat while nine months pregnant? Oof.
Oh my bad I got her mixed up with Paris Hilton. It wasn’t intentional. Jessica’s booty shorts commercial was for Pizza Hut.
Yes she is pregnant now but that was also her in booty shorts and soap suds in the Carl’s Jr. commercial.
Jeez its called a joke! I love the commentary on the video.
I loved this website for its positive reinforcement of women and femininity. And this article deflated its whole premise in the first sentence.
Un-liking right now because of this ridiculousness and inhumanity in tearing down a pregnant woman.
I agree with you to an extent, though I also know this article was written in a humorous way. Found all the poking at the abstinence, bosom, and pregnancy.. Toning it down just a little wouldn’t have killed anyone.
sweet jesus! Relax woman…
Very beautiful th0! =)
W0W…. I feel u Jessica… L0Lz… That’s h0w I was when I was pregnant with RJ… Ugh!