In honor of Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy with what I can only imagine is a small horse, my ’90s Video Breakdown is back and more bloated than ever!
Before Jess made a baby and a weave collection and 100 billion dollars worth of platform wedges, she was just a wholesome Christian girl from Texas, forced to compete with a couple of former Mouseketeers/disciples of the devil:
While Britney and Christina sinned their way up the charts, Jessica stayed faithful to God and mom jeans in the video for her 1999 dance jam, ‘I Think I’m In Love With You’.
Warning: this video is SFW. I mean, it’s REALLY Safe For Work. It is essentially the SAFEST FOR WORK thing on the entire internet, next to this:
Without further ado, let’s go straight to the badlands of Santa Monica, where Jess is just strolling back from the mall with her racially diverse posse of BFFs…
…and Ashlee Simpson’s old nose!!
After hitting up a sale on crop tops, the girls return to their car, wisely parked all by itself in a deserted back alley.
There, they notice a group of strong, rugged, masculine movers doing some heavy lifting …
…and a killer running man.
Yep, just a spontaneous back-alley dance break by a couple of straight dudes in cut-off overalls.
I wish my moving company broke out into a choreographed dance. Instead, they drank my Diet Coke and cracked the drywall in my foyer.
Regardless, Jessica is intrigued by these rhythmic movers and makes her way over to seduce them with her sultry smile and a crucifix.
Yes, this was Jessica at her most virginal. A minister’s daughter with the voice of an angel and the sexual prowess of a Jonas Brother. An active proponent of abstinence, Jessica publicly proclaimed that she was saving herself until marriage.
Which should not be difficult in this outfit:
On the bottom: A casual chain belt and flared Mavi’s to protect her sacred flower.
On top: An awkward attempt to hide her giant bosom or a subtle homage to another ’90s icon:
I hear one of these is on display at the Smithsonian.
After teasing the blue-collar workers with her purity ring and Shakespearian blouse, Jess and the girls hop into their chastity wagon and happily drive off into the… okay, this is just not safe.
But seriously. I’m pretty sure even virgins have to obey the seat belt laws in California.
Not only could you incur a $20 fine, but standing up in a convertible driving 60 miles/hour over a suspension bridge is just not… Oh, Sweet Jesus.
Jessica, you might want to turn around. I said TURN AROUND!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP DANCING LIKE MY MOTHER AT A WEDDING AND LOOK BEHIIIND YOUUUU!!!
THE MOVERS FROM THE DESERTED BACK ALLEY HAVE STRIPPED DOWN TO NOTHING BUT TANK TOPS AND ARE CHASING YOU AND YOUR SCANTILY CLAD FRIENDS IN AN UNMARKED WHITE VAN!!
Its okay, I’ve seen this on SVU. Just take a deep breath and sit down. Then, grab your giant 1999 cell phone and call the police. If you don’t have a cell phone, press the emergency button on your pager. If you don’t have a pager, you’re a f**king loser.
Either way, you need to contact the authorities immediately.
Or… just turn around and wave at them. Perfect. While you’re at it, why don’t you just go ahead and find a dark, secluded place under the bridge where you and your van full of rapists can all get together for a group dance routine!
Okay, I wasn’t serious.
But I do have a feeling that after seeing you shake what your momager gave you, these guys might be significantly less interested.
Yep. Those are the moves of someone who’s never had sex.
After several counts of the Rodger Rabbit and some seriously abstinent carnival fun, Jessica, Ashlee Simpson’s old nose and some chick’s bum crack hop back in the chastity wagon…
…and ride off into the sunset.
Towards a bright future of million-dollar proactive campaigns, edible perfumes and making babies out of wedlock.
And therein lies the irony. While she shimmied and swayed in that puffy shirt and crucifix, if only sweet Jessica could have known that years later she would get her message of chastity across loud and clear.
Kids… THIS is what happens to you if you have sex:
That should do it.