I know I’m supposed to be writing about Pittsburgh Fashion Week, which was super awesome, but my photos and business cards are back with my bestie, so that’ll just have to wait until next week. Don’t give me that look, this isn’t the New York Times, okay?
A lot of my articles have been focused on me being an adult and the last week of my life has been too adult for my liking. Media passes, interviews, new jobs and a complete lack of silliness. I feel like I need to kick my maturity down with a viewing of Hot Tub Time Machine or something equally horrifying. It got me thinking about my childhood and all I missed out on.
If I was to give my childhood-self a grade, I’d give myself a solid B. B minus. Okay, a C plus. I was respectful, rule-abiding, silly, but severely lacking in a serious education. I fully blame my parents for this. They weren’t big on cartoons or “fad” items. Here’s where my education failed. And mom, dad, I know you’re reading this. You should feel guilty.
- Boy Meets World - Never saw a single episode. I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t allowed or we just weren’t into the TGIF lineup (was it on TGIF?), but I have never seen a minute of this show. You don’t need to yell at me, my friends do it all the time.
- Carebears - Parents were 100% anti-Carebears. Instead, I spent my childhood camping with real bears in the Adirondack Mountains. I almost died once and that is not an exaggeration. Apparently, cuddly, colorful bears were more harmful to me than the real thing. My 6-year-old body was almost annihilated by a hungry momma bear. But that’s another story.
- My Little Pony - Pretty much any toy that also had a cartoon was nixed on the spot. I don’t think I ever received any birthday gifts in that realm. Mom, did you write to all the other parents and make sure they didn’t buy me that stuff? Cause that’d be whack, Jack. Just kidding, my mom’s name isn’t Jack.
- Anything On Ice - Disney on Ice was not even an option. Not that I was particularly interested, but if I had been? Puh-leeze.
- The Circus - I was never taken to the circus. This is proof my parents hated me and wanted me to suffer. When all the other kids were going to the circus, I came to the realization that I was a mistake.
- Mary Kate & Ashley Movies - Actually, I’m okay with missing out on this. Thanks, mom! <3
- Disney World - Can we just take a second to mourn the fact that I am 24 and have never been to Disney World? Or Land? Or Town? Is there a Town? I think there should be. It’d be much smaller and everything would be way less expensive, and they would probably spell it Towne and would be based on Belle’s Village, and it’ll be amazing. Let’s make that happen. In my backyard.
- 6,000 Beanie Babies - I had maybe ten. Maybe fifteen. Are any of them worth a billion dollars now? We’ll never know, because I’m pretty sure at some point my parents threw them into a fire while I was busy not visiting Disney World.
- Pets - To be fair, I had a completely sweet fish tank in my room that was amazing. One time my fish even had babies. It was incredible. And I also had a hermit crab named Buster. My dad named him (I still don’t get the joke but he always laughed). But I never had a cat or dog or any pet that actually counts. My sister and I are allergic to cats, as if that’s some kind of excuse. And my dad’s allergic to dogs, but I’m pretty sure that was an elaborate hoax. I mean, he’s allergic to pine trees, but you didn’t see my mom saying no to the Fraser Fur every Christmas.
This is why I’m an insecure mess as an adult. Ignoring that my parents fed me, put a roof over my head, provided clothes, gave me music lessons and paid for my college, they were pretty crappy parents, right? I mean come on, Boy Meets World? And I don’t even have any interest in watching it now because I’m so over everyone yelling at me for that one, as if it was my choice. Mom, dad, you have forever made me an outcast in my generation. I will never know of Topanga or Cheer Bear or the $5,000 beanie baby or anything really important in life.I did have pogs, though. As if anyone could stop me from enjoying pogs.