I don’t want any trouble. I don’t want any trouble with: the Crips, the Bloods, the PTA, the Tea Party, the NFL, the Hebrew day school I went to when I was little, the mafia, the actors who’ve played mafia on TV, the NRA, the people who have a key to Gramercy Park, the WBNA, Opus Dei, The Heathers, muggles, Soho House members, Pebble Beach Golf Club members, the Illuminati, rottweilers, Christian Bale, kids with lemonade stands, the Winkelvoss twins or Scientology.
But, as someone who often feels pressure about religion (moms count, right?), I find myself pondering the advantages of belonging to any kind of group where you feel pushed when it comes to how you do your life. And I’m referring to all groups here, whether it be a religious group or an acting class. Actually, nothing else. Just religious groups and acting classes. I jest. All groups.
I’m just not clear on how the element of what seems to be straight up fear is effective. From personal experience, I know that the more I’m pushed to make sure I go to a Passover sedar or find some place to go to services for Yom Kippur, the more pissed off I get about having to do just that, whereas if I didn’t have the constant poking and almost-already-disappointed in my lack of fulfilling someone else’s idea of how the holiday should be spent, I’d likely very much on my own think, “Oh, Yom Kippur is coming up in two weeks, I want to look into where I can go to services and see what some of my friends have planned.”
No offense to my mom (who is definitely reading this and taking offense). It’s just that different things mean different things to different people. And I’m pretty sure that if we all allow ourselves and those around us to find our own way to approach moments in our lives, whether they be globally-recognized moments or personal ones, we’d actually experience these moments on a deeper, more pleasant level. Cut to my mom crying and emailing our rabbi this column. I jest, again. Although, it’s entirely possible that she’s ripped the mezuzah off of our doorway and is rocking back and forth clutching it. An adorable, albeit slightly destructive, answer to rosary beads.
I’ll stop beating around the (burning) bush (500 Torah/Bible points!). Katie and Tom. Look, marriages end all of the time. Both celebrity marriages and plain people marriages. But when a group, whether it be a religious group or any another kind of group, seems to have possibly played a role in that marriage ending … people are fascinated. And I’m people. Don’t even get me started on the hush hush stories about the marriages that Oprah’s Book Club has been responsible for putting the kabosh on. Let’s stay on point. Okay, let’s. Good talk. Anyway, I don’t think anyone should be afraid of a group or of someone because of their connection to a group. And this includes CAA.
So, am I friends with Katie or Tom? No. Do I know a lot about Scientology? No. Am I just observing from a safe distance? Yes. An exact location I refuse to supply? Yes. I jest, yet again. Or, do I? I don’t have any answers. I’m just saying, the information that we the people (500 Declaration of Independence points!) end up getting when it comes to this kind of stuff has a tendency to be either unfavorable or eerily mysterious. Unless, it’s information coming directly from an actual Scientologist. But when Scientologists discuss Scientology, they have a tendency to not quite peel the onion back very far. Which doesn’t help change the general public’s view on Scientology. And to some extent, who can blame them. I’m sure some Scientologists would say, why should we feel like we have to share the details of Scientology with what boils down to a bunch of doubters. Again, not something I know anything about and I can only go with what I see and hear. Believe me, I don’t want Scientologists to hate me. I don’t want anyone to hate me. I’m single and 104 in Hollywood years. I need people to like me and want to date me. The only SUVs I want following me should have Mary Louise Parker or Michelle Williams in them.
So, like I said, I don’t want any trouble. Not with my mom, our rabbi, Katie, Tom, Oprah, Oprah’s Book Club, Passover, Yom Kippur, acting classes, mezuzahs, rosary beads, the Burning Bush (not the porn, the original) the Torah, the Bible, the Declaration of Independence, my crushes Mary Louise Parker, Michelle Williams, Scientology and most of all CAA. If everyone could just like me, that would be great.