I Can't Deal with the Diva Cup

The Diva Cup is by all means an amazing product. It’s reusable so it makes less of a negative impact on the environment than pads or tampon. It’s made of latex-free, plastic-free, BPA-free, dye-free, additive-free all-of-the-bad-things-free silicon instead of a bleached rayon or cotton-blend a la tampons. It holds an entire ounce of liquid as opposed to tampons, which only absorb 6 to 18 grams, depending on which size you have purchased. You can wear a Diva Cup for up to 12 hours without risk, whereas tampons threaten you with death and violence via TSS if you dare to exceed 8 hours of continuous use.

Look at those wonderful, amazing specs! Simply astounding! To buy a Diva Cup is a no-brainer! It’s like comparing an iPhone with a cracked Nokia from 1998. Why, if I had a Diva Cup I would surely evolve into one of those women who ride horses bareback on my heaviest flow days! I would suddenly become amazing at clearing hurdles on tracks in the midst of my period, despite never having even tried to clear a hurdle in my life! I would smile broadly all of the time and never once skip out on plans because I want to watch Netflix Instant in my sweatpants instead of encountering the probability of having to change my tampon in a public restroom.

Yes, dear readers, the Diva Cup was sure to change my life around. Which is why I bought one in a moment of what I thought was clarity, but turned out to actually be a moment of complete and utter delusion of clarity.

The Diva Cup has yet to arrive at my house and I am already planning on sending it back.

Yes, it’s nice that the Cup cuts down on negative environmental impact. And how great is it to save all of that money? Surely my vagina is worth something healthier than bleached rayon. But the real reason I bought the Diva Cup? It’s because I can’t handle most bodily functions. Just like I try to mentally remove myself from all bathroom responsibilities as much as possible, I want a way to have my period without acknowledging that I actually have my period. In my stupor, I mistakenly thought that if the product in question only needed to be changed twice in a 24 hour day, then that’s the product for me!

The next morning I woke up, and the realization of the true nature of the product slowly dawned on me: Those two “changes” a day, would not be changes. They would be… dumpings. Twice a day, I would need to dump a cup — nay, a chalice full of menstrual blood into a toilet. Does the horror end there? No, because then I would need to rinse it out in a sink.

Upon posting my decision to my blog (because no decision counts if you don’t blog about it), I received some really funny comments about the Diva Cup:

“Try not to think of it as menstrual blood, but as a uterine lining.” (She just made dealing with periods even worse for me.)

“This girl I know is allergic to tampons and has to wear Diva Cups and says they like, suction cup onto your pubic bone and then suck your soul out of you or something? I don’t know, she really likes them I guess. Not my cup of tea.” (I like my soul! I don’t want it to leave me through my pelvic area!)

” The girls on the website did NOT look like girls I want to talk about my ladytime with. Pass.”

“I believe you empty it in the shower? Not sure that makes it any better though.” (It doesn’t. It makes it worse.)

“I love my Diva Cup but also I am fascinated/obsessed with my period, so there’s that.”

“IT RULES! Best decision I ever made regarding my vagina, hands down.”

I can’t. I just can’t. And if you can, then I am so proud of you.

I’m sorry, environment. I’m sorry, debit card. I’m sorry, vagina. I’m sticking with tampons.