You are shimmying around your room, joyfully getting ready for the lovely day ahead. You are at a party, cocktail in hand, adrenaline rushing with social interaction and the buzz your vodka tonic has produced. You are in the back of a cab, laughing hysterically with girlfriends.  You are on your way home from an amazing game of hoops with your boys. Which, by the way, did you see that 3 pointer? You could be anywhere at any time. In fact, you are minding your own business just living contentedly in the moment.

Then it happens. The first notes of a song begin and immediately your stomach drops and an invisible iron fist reaches in, seeking out your intestines for a full vice grip. Your mind instantaneously goes there. You are transported back in time. Your thoughts can barely keep up with the sensation your body has so quickly, so intensely produced. It never fails. This is your physical reaction upon hearing this song. every. single. time. And, even worse, it’s not just THIS song, it’s this musician’s entire library of creation to date. Why? Because this is the music that is your ex. It’s the music that sums up your entire relationship in the first few seconds of your body’s personal game of Name That Tune. Except this isn’t a game and you don’t want the satisfaction of knowing the answer. Nor do you want the inevitable ‘prize’ of buried feelings and memories coming to the surface. It doesn’t matter though. Your body KNOWS.  It’s a melodic rendition of a previous life lived and the music brings you right back, RIGHT back to that person and that time. You sense every ounce of raw, unbridled feeling you ever experienced during the entirety of the relationship. It’s like the Gravitron of emotional teleportation. High speed, rushing, pinned to the wall with no place to go, only left to accept the effects of the ride until it eventually has slowed in slight increments to bearable and, finally, over.

We all have that song, that artist, those memories. They engulf us in a fiery ball of confusion and gut calisthenics. Even when you claim, ‘I’m so over that person. I haven’t thought of them in years.’ Then, that tune, those notes! And you are surprised! So surprised by the way your body has made you feel. Yes, MADE you. It’s a betrayal. Your own physical person has broken an unspoken trust. You never would have allowed this. This isn’t you in your rightful mind. This isn’t how you truly feel. You don’t have feelings for your ex any more! Or do you?

The question really isn’t up to you. Your free will has been greedily snatched away by the sound waves that have infiltrated the Fort Knox of your guarded heart. Will isn’t yours to own. At least not for the next 4 minutes. Instead this time is spent drifting down memory lane, gazing into the remembered eyes of your ex beloved as the two of you drove away on your first out of town trip together.  Or chuckling at him or her for picking out that ridiculous movie they repeatedly wanted to watch. Or that feeling of curling up in bed trying to fall asleep knowing full well that the call you always waited for wasn’t going to come. Or resenting the fact that they flirted with the best looking person in the room. Or recalling how fiercely you missed them the first weeks after it all ended.  And so it goes until the very last note.

Then, it’s over. You feel wiped out. You just experienced a flash back so intense in nature it was like living it all over again. No matter how hard you fought against your body’s inclination, you were bound to lose. You were powerless to it. The overall sensation finally begins to dissipate. In just a few moments, you will be right back to normal, as good as new. Oddly enough, when the feeling leaves you, you almost miss it a little. It was so encompassing and shocking it could even be counted as a thrill. All of the same can be said for the very relationship you just re-experienced in your mind and heart’s eye. You were powerless to it’s love when it first began. The sensation of that love eventually started to dissipate and, just like the song, it finally came to an inevitable end. And, again, even though you are grateful it happened and almost miss it a little, you know with even more conviction that it’s better that it did end.  And, maybe, just maybe one day much further down the line, you’ll even be open to the idea of including that song in your playlist of favorites.

Image via Namethattune-UK