I Be Buggin'Danielle Schneider

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  In case you didn’t know, that’s the sound of me screaming in terror. No, I wasn’t being chased by a masked serial killer or hunted for sport by a group of scientifically altered super monkeys. It’s so much worse – I saw a roach! It’s the third I’ve seen this week actually, the first two coming out while I was sitting on the toilet. It’s as if they know when I’m the most vulnerable and most likely to be perusing a Chico’s catalog that they strike and scare the crap out of me. Literally.

I am deathly afraid of bugs, especially ones that I feel could take me in a fight. They’re gross, they’re creepy and I feel they bear me ill will. Now I know some of you may be thinking, “What’s the big deal? Bugs are important to our planet’s eco-system. We can all co-habitate peacefully together if we respect each other’s place in this world.” Well, I say back to you: You are a dirty hippie and no one wants to come to your house.

For those of you like myself who find even Jiminy Cricket to be threatening (a bug is even more terrifying when dressed in a top hat and dinner jacket), here is what you can do when you encounter a big-ass, scary ol’ bug:

Step One:

Upon seeing the horrid creature, scream as if to wake the dead. If possible, continue to scream through the next six steps.

Step Two:

Run from room where said horrid creature was spotted. Remember to shut and lock the door behind you.  Careful, it is not scientifically proven* that roaches don’t have opposable thumbs with which to open doors.

*By “not scientifically proven”, I mean I haven’t Googled it yet but I’m pretty sure I’m right.

Step Three:

Abandon your house/apartment and everything in it forever. Why prolong this terror any longer? If this is not possible for reasons I can’t imagine, proceed to step four.

Step Four:

Slowly open door to the room where the bug lays in wait (I hope you’re still screaming). Throw something at it, like a loofah or a Tampax Pearl slender regular. Watch as it scurries to a corner of the room. Good, now you have him exactly where you want him. Ha! The predator is suddenly the predator-ee. That’s a word, right?

Step Five:

Go get the bug spray. If you are like me and forgot to buy it at the market as you got distracted by the free samples of Guac, other sprays will suffice. My special formula includes a random mash-up of Finesse hair spray, tile cleaner, shaving gel and half a can of sunless tanning mist. The roach will still die, only he’ll move on to the next world with silky hair and a coppery but natural looking tan.

Step Six:

Find someone (a guy) to pick up the deceased (but now oddly pretty) roach. Don’t try to do this yourself. If experience has taught me anything, you will only waste an entire roll of paper towels trying to pick it up and end up dropping it as you gag and scream. Call a boyfriend, husband, father, brother or creepy neighbor to do it for you. I’m as much a feminist as the next girl but I’d sooner give up my rights to vote than pick up a big ol’ roach carcass.

All in all, it’ll take about three hours and cost you upwards of $60 bucks in beauty supplies, but it will be worth it because in the end (said like that little old lady from the movie Poltergeist), “Your house is cleaned.”

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  1. *By “not scientifically proven”, I mean I haven’t Googled it yet but I’m pretty sure I’m right.
    ^^ this is my favorite!!! And I totally agree on all points made. It’s one of the main reasons I decided to get married.

  2. Died laughing at the dirty hippie line and nearly woke my sleeping baby! Keep ‘em coming.

  3. Bahahahaha!!!! I definitely needed this article..just last night I saw the biggest spider in my room and the rest was all a blur D:

  4. Why not remove the spider eggs so it cannot breed – or will this become an issue in the cultural wars? Jimbo

  5. I could reiterate all the praises of the above commenters on the article, but I’ll just say this–that photo is PRICELESS.

  6. I have done everything you mentioned–to all bugs. I have been willing to let the spider have the house and all the furniture in it. I had the misfortune of spotting a lizard when I was down in my basement and my screams would be award winning for any horror movie. To this day, I know that lizard was chasing me despite the odd looks my husband and kids gave me. I’m so glad that I am not alone in this area. The people that can handle those icky things are WEIRD.

  7. This is how I feel whenever a bug gets within 100 feet of me. If there’s a bug in my apartment, sometimes I’ll throw a tupperware over it and then carefully avoid disturbing the tupperware until someone comes over who is fearless enough to dispose of the bug. It’s just less of a production than actually trying to kill it, which I know I’ll be too terrified to do!

  8. WE ARE TWINS!

  9. Hilarious! Best line: “You are a dirty hippie and no one wants to come to your house.”

  10. This happened to me yesterday with a spider that was like as big as my head, except it was in my garage, and I park on the driveway so no bug spray, cuz it was in the garage and I would have had to walk past the huge ass spider to get to it, which was so not happening. I stayed outside in the disgusting heat until my father came home like 2 hours later to kill it for me. Moral of the story: keep bug spray in my trunk from now on.

  11. In the last week I have experienced several bugs I didn’t even know existed. (Did you know a silver fish isn’t always required to look like a normal silverfish but more like a million-legged spider!?) This sounds alot like my routine only I opt for my ugliest pair of shoes and beat the crap out of it. Before hand I am required to scream and then tell the bug that I mean it no harm. Am I a liar? No, only trying to make its last moments in my house peaceful.

  12. Definitely agree. I’d give up voting and stay in the kitchen forever before touching a cockroach. Definitely.

  13. Just use the vacuum to suck them up! No need to touch them at all.

    • Yesterday I used my mini vacuum to vacuum spider web. It was a revelation for me. I never thought about using it that way before. Why waste paper, or water to wash my hand after I picked the web to throw away.

  14. I felt like I was reading about myself! The biggest problem at my house is spiders. Even just thinking of them makes me cringe! It takes me probably about that long, three hours, to even get up the courage to kill it. I stand there with a swatter pointed at it and saying encouraging things to myself like ‘You can do this!’, all the while I feel like the spider is sitting there laughing to himself thinking ‘You’ll never do it.’ And if I finally do kill it (usually I scream for someone else), I have the irrational fear that all of his spider friends will be back to get revenge. Picking it up is another story. I even bought a special pink swatter with a purple scooper attached thinking how much easier it will be to kill and dispose of bugs now! It’s pretty obvious they knew who would buy this. However, even with a scooper, I find that the bug is still too close to my hand and I can’t do it. I yell for someone else. And these spiders always seem to appear when I’m in my pj’s getting ready to get into bed. Like they think I won’t see them before I turn out the lights so they can make their move while I’m comfy and asleep. Little do they know I have this spider radar thing goin’ on so I always notice them! And don’t get me started on the horror stories people tell me of sleeping and spiders. Makes me gag every time. I’m so glad to hear I’m not alone in my fear. Bugs can help our eco-system elsewhere. Just not in my house. And especially not in the sanctity of my bedroom!