Single Girls Guide

I Am A Bad Person – Plus, Single Girls Live Chat Tonight!

When I was about twenty-two years old, I met a guy that we’ll call Blake. I was working at Warner Bros Records and soon realized I had to stop wearing my favorite Lacoste polo shirt if I wanted to be taken seriously among my new hip friends. I wanted to reinvent myself. I planned on doing that by convincing myself how crazy passionate I was about the music business. Turned out, I was just really passionate about getting to see Gerard Way in the halls and wearing band shirts all the time of bands I didn’t like. Anyway, this is not relevant to my story, although you can add Gerard Way onto the list of people I loved from afar who never noticed me (There’s still time for us, GW.) (You know where to find me.) (Ditch that wife of yours.) (JK.) (NOT JK.)

Anyway, I met this guy Blake through my new music loving friends. I was immediately like, hello, dream boat. He was a musician, duh; that would become a pattern in my twenties. But he had the soul of a sweet Midwestern boy whose parents still loved each other. He was kind and soft spoken and very tall, like, 6’5 or something weird like that. We hung out a few times with our mutual friends, both asking everyone about what the other thought of us, and soon enough he asked me out. I don’t remember what our first date was, but I remember Halloween came pretty soon after it and we considered ourselves in a relationship. He dressed up as that drummer with one arm and I pretended to know who that was when everyone told him how clever it was. I could look it up right now, but I’d rather you have the satisfaction of knowing something I don’t know. Generosity alert.

Blake and I had been dating for about a month now and I really really wanted to like him. He was by far the most thoughtful person I had ever dated. He was so kind that it was almost… annoying? Our sex life was… interesting. He would constantly ask me if what he was doing was okay. By the time I had told him what he was doing was okay, I didn’t really want him to do it anymore.  My family was going on a big family trip and since everyone had an important significant other at the time, they were all invited to join. The trip was to a tropical place on a boat, and it was to celebrate New Year’s Eve. I definitely didn’t want to be spending NYE alone in a corner with a party horn while all my sisters and step-brothers held hands with someone in front of the sunset. I would fall in love with Blake on the romantic vacation if it was the last thing I did. And it was. I died after that trip.

When we got to the boat and started to pick out rooms, we all realized that one unfortunate couple was getting stuck in a room with two separated twin beds. Of course, being the selfless person I am, I shot up my hand as the volunteer. Blake seemed disappointed. I was relieved. Every time there was a quiet moment that could leave room for looking into each other’s eyes, I looked in a different direction. Anytime another couple kissed, I made a joke. I think it’s possible that at midnight on New Year’s Eve, I pretended to not be able to find him, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to avoid that kiss. He found me. We had that kiss. You can’t escape someone when you’re on a boat.

Of course it goes without saying that my family loved him. What was not to love? He was and probably still is a wonderful person. He was sweet with my nieces, blended in with the other guys, was polite to my parents and loved me in spite of everything my family knew about me. And the sight of him made me gag a little. But they considered that a character flaw of mine, not his. There is a picture of us flying home on the plane, with him cuddled up to me while I’m recoiling into the window as far away from him as possible. Get me wasted and I will show you that picture.

Every woman I know – scratch that, every person I know – has wasted years of their life stressing over someone they would eventually find to be awful and overlooked someone who would have devoted everything to them. If I could have any super power it would be to love that desperate ass person who would be my bitch throughout this life. But, alas, I’m only human. Fine as hell, but a human all the same. And I like the struggle. You can’t force these things. You can’t love someone for reasons. You can only love them for feelings. And our feelings always seem to just do whatever they want, go where they want to go, spike when we want to hide them, hide when we want to show them. Give up now, you are at their mercy. And Blake had a small penis, so I wouldn’t have been happy anyway.

Note: My dad still asks about him, hoping he will come back.

Second Note: When he moved on and got a girlfriend, I was legit annoyed. That’s how sick I am.

Feel better about yourself overall now?

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  • Lindsay Goins

    You’re the best. Seriously. This is hilarious.

    (I don’t feel better about myself, but really want to see that picture. I have one of a similar ex trying to spoon feed me noodle soup when I was sick that my sister thought was a great Kodak moment.)

  • Nathalie Annelie Söderberg

    umm, it’s only my goal in life to get a job in the music business and one day bump in to Gerard. He is my favourite person to have walked this planet!(except for my family. but still). aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. can i get your old job? i can make coffe and pick up dog poo. if necessary… and you are now one of my favourite writers…columnists? whatever it’s called. this was amusing yet very relatable:)

  • Elisabeth Miller

    I dated a guy who was so kind and so in love with me (I couldn’t understand that) and I found him just… distasteful. I felt like a horrid person.

  • Karoline Onsrud

    Now I want to get you wasted and see that picture!

  • Amber Arias

    We all have a Blake. I’ve been with mine for 3 years now. I feel like that says something with a negative connotation about my character.

  • Deidra Rosas

    Lol, this made me laugh. I too had a boyfriend who was not only terribly in love with me and wouldve followed me to the edge of the earth, but also wealthy. Having come from a very working class family this was a godsend to my parents. He was a gorgeous and generous man, but he was so flamboyant and loud I couldn’t handle him. ( as I prefer awkward and shy men) he still to this day tells me that I’m the love of his life and does everything he can to weasel his way back in but I’m so beyond annoyed with him that I couldn’t bear the thought of my life with him. My mother thinks I’m ridiculous. ( he had a large penis by the way)

  • Lauren Hollaway

    I thought I had a winner until 3 years in I discovered he was a full on Blake… it took two years to end that… it was the worst.

  • Annette Sanchez

    I had a Blake and I was so horrible to him. In retrospect I should have been nicer, it wasn’t his fault that I’m irresistible!

  • Zoe Taylor-Lynch

    I love all the HG writers (like, a lot), but you, Erin, are my absolute favourite! This article is wonderful- may you never stop writing the gold that you do! :)

  • Jennifer Fiction

    love this!

  • Cassie Burkhart

    I get overly excited when you write on hellogiggles

  • Julie Dole

    I have a real problem with this piece, Actually, a few problems – but foremost is this one: labeling Blake “… that desperate ass person who would be my bitch throughout this life.”

    I don’t think that’s comedy, or if it is, it’s sloppy and weak. This isn’t witty, self-effacing comedy. That phrase wrongly framed Blake’s real groundedness as weakness.

    Fine, you didn’t love him, and he was a nice guy. It happens. But there was nothing in this piece that made him seem desperate, let alone even willing to “be your bitch” before you flung that one out there. Mostly what this piece really feels like is humblebrag. Weak writing, and weak comedy.

    • Christina Thomas

      Julie, you are missing the point here…the comedy is about being super honest. And she is writing about how she feels bad for feeling this way about Blake. It was not about putting Blake down. As for the desperation, when people are needy, it pushes that other person away naturally…it’s just true. Anyway, this is not to upset you, I just understand what Erin is saying, and she is just being honest with herself and feeling guilty. Anyway… I don’t know if this is making sense, ugh, I know what I mean! :)

  • Madison Zraick

    Everyone feels this way at some point, but I have to agree with Julie. Please don’t call a nice person who happened to like you, “… that desperate ass person who would be my bitch throughout this life.” It’s really demeaning. Just as we have all have had that person we can’t possibly connect with, no matter how good they are on paper, we all have had someone we couldn’t help but love/like, even if they didn’t feel the same way. Feelings are subjective and awful things sometimes, but they are also what make us human and, therefor, beautiful.

    • Britt Bulens

      a little too deep…

  • Emilie Erwin

    hahaha, erin we love you (and we’ve all been there!)

  • Lynn Goodman

    i think this is the kinda story u only tell yo bffs, u r allowed to “be bad” with them i mean after all they r yo best friends, u need to vent out to them and hey they deserve to know all the gory details anyway. But to blog about it is a bit too low and desperate even from my favourite blogger. This is someone else’s sensitive “area” we talking about here, Erin, u know we love u, u seem beautiful inside as much as u r on the outside, u r funny as hell and it’s nice to relate to someone like u but exposing poor Blake’s penile size aint so cool or funny of u. U spoiled a potentially great story. Blake is probably one of the few guys who ever truly loved u in yo lifetime, i dont hold anything against u for not feeling the same way about him but in future please, save the dissing for the real douches. Never be funny at someone else’s expense and then think u r better than the Kardashians. Sorry.

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