Sitcom Situations

How to Turn Cookies Into Muffins

The only things keeping me from becoming a ‘50s housewife are my inabilities to cook, clean and wear floral dresses but mostly cook. I’ve tried to overcome my crippling condition. Really, I have. Top Ramen. Ravioli. Hard-boiled eggs. Anything you can make by just boiling water, I have basically mastered. But when it comes to mixing ingredients and using the oven, a baby in an apron could do a better job than I can.

Therefore, I was not surprised when, one fateful afternoon, I managed to turn chocolate chip cookies into chocolate chip muffins. However, I would not call this turn-of-events a complete failure, as some might. In fact, I would even call it an achievement. Everybody knows muffins are better than cookies because from muffins, you get cupcakes and from cupcakes, you get cake and from cake, you get cake batter and everybody loves cake batter so muffins are definitely better. And because I am an extremely generous person (and also because I got waitlisted from Hogwarts and am hoping this magical feat will give me that extra edge), I will now walk you through how to replicate such a transformation in a few easy steps.

Step 1: Travel Back In Time

The hardest part about turning cookies into muffins is that it requires extensive preparation. In order to do so, it is essential that you locate a time machine. (If Doctor Who is unavailable or Time Turners are too complicated, I could maybe let you borrow my invisible time travelling buggy but only if you send me a complimentary kitten video that I haven’t already seen.) Once you reach your elementary years, find the specific day that you learned measurements, kidnap your little self and lock him/her in a closet so that the only person who doesn’t learn the difference between teaspoon and tablespoon is you.

Step 2: Add Too Much of Everything

Sugar, spice, and everything nice was the shortened version of the Powerpuff Girls Recipe. Here’s the real version: Sugar, spice, puppies, kittens, rainbows, bacon, sleeping babies, Taylor Swift’s hair, Pillow Pets and edible glitter. Think about it. Without all that extra stuff, the Powerpuff Girls would not be superheroes. On the same note, when I added 3 tablespoons of baking soda instead of 3 teaspoons and the cookie mix was still not looking right, I could only assume it was because I had not added enough ingredients, which made my decision to add 3 more entirely reasonable. I was trying to make superhero cookies, guys. I had to go to infinity and beyond and so should you. (You don’t understand my logic? Well I don’t understand your face.)

Step 3: Assume Everything Is Fine

6 tablespoons and 2 cups of water later, the cookie mix still looked like an extra-watery spit puddle sprinkled with dirt. If yours looks like this, you are muffin-bound. When my mix looked like this, I assumed everything was fine and that my cookies were just extra special. Just because they’re supposed to be cookies doesn’t mean they have to look like typical cookies, right? And just because they start rising in the oven doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them, right? Maybe they’re just bloated. Cookies are people too.

Step 4: Cry (Tears of Joy?)

Tyler: Mom! Cookies are done!
Mom: Awesome! Are they choco…Tyler, what are these?
Tyler: Cookies…
Mom: From what planet?

If you receive similar reactions from your kitchen creations, let me say, congratulations! You’ve successfully turned cookies into muffins! (You are like, the Dr. Frankenstein of the culinary business.) People may not accept your creation right away. They may scream or demand “real cookies” but don’t be alarmed. These people just don’t know how to express their love. And if you eat one of these muffins and start crying, don’t worry. Those are tears of joy, I promise.

So folks, there you have it. Now you too have the power to transform baked goods and impress your family and friends with your magical abilities. (And if you’d like to give back to your oh-so-generous teacher, I think Professor McGonagall is still accepting letters of recommendation on my behalf. Help a sistah out.)

Image via CircusFreakGirl.blogspot

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