How To Tell If Your Boyfriend Is A Scrub Ali Ashbaker

I miss Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopez on a bi-weekly basis. About twice a week, the song “No Scrubs” plays during one of my walks with my dog and, bi-weekly, I resign to never give all my lovin’ to a scrub. Because, you know what? A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me. Hanging out the passenger side of… Okay, I’ll stop. This week, while that song was stuck in my head, I starting thinking about Scrubs. No, not the TV show! No, not the unflattering pants/shirt set designed for those with messy jobs! The one Lisa Left-Eye wrote a song about. And then I realized, I don’t really know what a Scrub is. So I decided to make it up. I put together a list of things that would be a red-flag alerting me that I am, in fact, givin’ all my lovin’ to a scrub.

Before we start, I just want to begin with the disclaimer that you should not take love advice from me. I am bad at love. The most important people in my life are dogs. The second most important people in my life are pizza toppings. On the plus side, however, I’m an average dancer and a really good listener. So, if you want your life to turn out like mine (confusing and anxiety-ridden) watch out for these red-flags. If your significant other does these things, it’s time to have a serious conversation during the next commercial break because they might be a scrub:

  • If they love Pit Bull. Nobody should be openly enjoying PitBull songs. Pitbull is to be listened to in secret and denied extensively. Deny, deny, deny. It’s like, we get it, Pitbull. You’ve been to a lot of cities. Stop listing them. We all know every word to all of his radio songs, but we don’t need to be advertising it.
  • If they don’t speak to your pet in a baby voice. Lamar Odom isn’t the only one who likes it when his other-half speaks to him in a childish tone. Pets love it, too! If your S.O. won’t throw out an ‘oodie doodie’ for your baby kitty, then they are far too buttoned up for life. Pet’s speak baby-talk.
  • If they watch Jersey Shore to get advice on life. Jersey Shore has one, solitary purpose: to make you feel better about yourself. It is to be watched and laughed at. It is not to be mimicked or copied in any way.
  • If they don’t like Target. Target is the greatest store ever and anyone that hates it terrifies me. I wanna buy all the things in all the Targets. If I ever win the lottery, this store will be a shell of its former self. Sometimes when I’m sad, I just go to Target and stroll the isles. Significant Others must love Target.
  • If they have a face tattoo. Face tattoos are only cool when you are a little girl and they are of the temporary variety. Rolling though the State Fair painted up like a tiger is a fly look. Rolling through the DMV painted up like a tiger is not a fly look. It’s important to know the difference.
  • If they don’t put back their grocery cart. Put the damn cart back.

Where there any other red-flags that I missed? Let me know in the comments.

Photo from shutterstock.com

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  1. Some red flags could be:
    Not being a “dessert person”. Never trust people who would describe themselves as not being a dessert person. If they can’t sit down and devour Ben & Jerry’s with me on a Friday night watching Scrubs they might be a scrub.
    Also, if they use more hair gel than you…eeeekk.

  2. If they don’t speak to your pet in a baby voice! LOL! I love it when they do it, but I kind of hate it when I hear them doing it. Hilarious.

  3. Relax, guys… it’s a funny article based on HER realizations. It was adorable. Thanks for the red-flag warnings :)

  4. Gosh I wish one of you would have written this article instead, would have been sooo much funnier…more accurate portrayal of said scrub would have been hilarious lol

  5. I think in today’s society, you have just described a “DB”.

  6. Wait…the song defines a scrub, and no, it’s not just about money. “A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly, he’s also known as a buster, always thinking about what he wants and just sits on his broke ass.” His game is weak, he looks like trash, a deadbeat, no car, living with mom, shows no love, and has no cash. I LOVE this song and read the article based on your opening line. I appreciate that you made your own list, but you should have already known what a scrub was if you listen to the song as much as I do.

  7. Sigh. The word “scrub” as used in Lisa Left-eye’s time and place meant a man with no money and most likely no ambition. The point of the song is that if you don’t have money to spend on me, then I have no interest in you. It had nothing to do with said man’s taste in music, facial tattoos, or lack of dignity re: speaking to lower life forms. It was about money, plain and simple. So although you completely missed the point of the song and the vernacular which it used, not to mention skipped out on the chance to examine a subculture in which status symbol posessions are more important to a mate-seeking woman that actual financial stability, it’s almost a good thing, becuase the song sucked and had a horrible message.

    • The song scrub is about broke guys who wanna live off of your money. Its not so much about, “Buy me things or else I don’t like you.” It’s more like the movie Baby Boy, where the main character was getting girls pregnant and he was unemployed living with his mom, while taking his girlfriend’s car and money to go sleep with other chicks. A total loser.

    • “And then I realized, I don’t really know what a Scrub is. So I decided to make it up.” She didn’t miss the point, just made up her own definition of scrub. But you’re right, if that’s the message of that song it’s horrible.

  8. Not using a turn signal and littering. Oh, and bad tippers.

  9. “If they don’t put back their grocery cart. Put the damn cart back.”
    I laughed so hard at this. So freakin’ true.

  10. If they don’t own a single book. Magazines and newspapers don’t count, people!

    • I was gonna post this! Was it John Waters who said if you go home with someone and there’s no books, don’t f*** ‘em? Magazines are okay, as long as it goes beyond Sports Illustrated and Maxim.

      A guy should know how to cook SOMETHING outside of a microwave, even if it’s just spaghetti and he should always have SOMETHING more than condiments in his fridge, even if it’s just a jar of spaghetti sauce.

  11. Those are very good red-flags, except i don’t know what kind of store Target is (i’m from Finland) but i’ll take your word for it and i promise if i ever come to US (is it only in US?) i’ll go to check it out. Some more red-flags;
    if they don’t like dogs,
    if they say “i don’t know, whatever comes from the radio” when you ask them what is their favorite music,
    if they don’t like The Simpsons and
    so-called “bling-bling” is a big warning sign, at least for me.
    Oh, and if they don’t like cheese. That would be weird. But i don’t know anyone who doesn’t like cheese…

    • :O My ex didn’t like cheese or dogs!! I agree!! hehe

    • Target is kind of a catch-all store that sells a little bit of everything: clothes, groceries, housewares, electronics. Kind of like Wal-Mart but with nicer stuff.

      I avoid Target but only because the one closest to my house suuuucks. They never restock the shelves and are always out of everything. If I lived closer to a more well-managed Target, my bank account would probably be empty.

      • They built a Target literally behind my townhouse development. There’s a path through the trees to walk there. When I leave the house 9/10 times I drive by it. I’m ALWAYS in there. It’s dangerous!! I got the Red Card debit card so at least I save myself a little money with the 5% off every purchase. Also, I love the buy x amount if this and get a $5 gift card. I have like $100 worth of Target gift cards from stocking up on tampons and air freshener!! I am addicted to that place!!

  12. I am always a little concerned about those who intensely watch any “I Could’ve Got Away With It…” shows. Passing interest or research?

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