How To Tell If Your Boyfriend Is A Scrub

I miss Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopez on a bi-weekly basis. About twice a week, the song “No Scrubs” plays during one of my walks with my dog and, bi-weekly, I resign to never give all my lovin’ to a scrub. Because, you know what? A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me. Hanging out the passenger side of… Okay, I’ll stop. This week, while that song was stuck in my head, I starting thinking about Scrubs. No, not the TV show! No, not the unflattering pants/shirt set designed for those with messy jobs! The one Lisa Left-Eye wrote a song about. And then I realized, I don’t really know what a Scrub is. So I decided to make it up. I put together a list of things that would be a red-flag alerting me that I am, in fact, givin’ all my lovin’ to a scrub.

Before we start, I just want to begin with the disclaimer that you should not take love advice from me. I am bad at love. The most important people in my life are dogs. The second most important people in my life are pizza toppings. On the plus side, however, I’m an average dancer and a really good listener. So, if you want your life to turn out like mine (confusing and anxiety-ridden) watch out for these red-flags. If your significant other does these things, it’s time to have a serious conversation during the next commercial break because they might be a scrub:

  • If they love Pit Bull. Nobody should be openly enjoying PitBull songs. Pitbull is to be listened to in secret and denied extensively. Deny, deny, deny. It’s like, we get it, Pitbull. You’ve been to a lot of cities. Stop listing them. We all know every word to all of his radio songs, but we don’t need to be advertising it.
  • If they don’t speak to your pet in a baby voice. Lamar Odom isn’t the only one who likes it when his other-half speaks to him in a childish tone. Pets love it, too! If your S.O. won’t throw out an ‘oodie doodie’ for your baby kitty, then they are far too buttoned up for life. Pet’s speak baby-talk.
  • If they watch Jersey Shore to get advice on life. Jersey Shore has one, solitary purpose: to make you feel better about yourself. It is to be watched and laughed at. It is not to be mimicked or copied in any way.
  • If they don’t like Target. Target is the greatest store ever and anyone that hates it terrifies me. I wanna buy all the things in all the Targets. If I ever win the lottery, this store will be a shell of its former self. Sometimes when I’m sad, I just go to Target and stroll the isles. Significant Others must love Target.
  • If they have a face tattoo. Face tattoos are only cool when you are a little girl and they are of the temporary variety. Rolling though the State Fair painted up like a tiger is a fly look. Rolling through the DMV painted up like a tiger is not a fly look. It’s important to know the difference.
  • If they don’t put back their grocery cart. Put the damn cart back.

Where there any other red-flags that I missed? Let me know in the comments.

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