Every time I venture out into the sunlight, my body decides to adopt one of two hues: lobster red or translucent. Toasted marshmallow or Italian brown are foreign concepts to my skin, along with any other color that resembles “tan.” It’s not that I don’t try to get tan (I don’t generally prefer to look like Casper, unless it’s for some birthday party gig and you’re willing to pay me), it’s just that every time I try, I manage to find a way to screw it up.

Although, perhaps “screw it up” is the wrong phrase. I mean, if you think about it, who wants to have a normal tan, anyway? Everyone in California has one of those! Don’t you want to be different? Don’t you want to stand out from the crowd? Well, do I have news for you. In accordance with your nonconformist agenda, I have constructed a list of ways to spice up your tan-life and turn you from rookie to Snooki in a matter of hours.

Use Spray Sunblock, Don’t Rub It In

PC Users: remember the “spray can” option in the “Paint” application? Remember how cool it looked? Wouldn’t you want that on your skin? Luckily, I figured out how to make your dream a reality. Simply spray sunblock onto various parts of your body and leave it there for hours without rubbing it in! It’s that easy! (Reread in the voice of Billy Mays.)

Sit Halfway in the Shade

This method works best on steamy summer days when you’re sitting under a tree, engrossed in some guilty pleasure book like 50 Shades of Gray or Elmo Hits the Big City, and the sun starts gradually encroaching upon only part of your legs, which you don’t realize until you go inside, remove your sunglasses and look in the mirror. For best results, place a bag on one leg before you start reading to create a patchwork-tan effect.

Start with Capris-Tan, Gradually Decrease Pant Length

Like this but starting with red on the ankle.

The beginning of the summer is not that hot. Therefore, it makes sense to start out wearing longer clothes like capris. However, when you do this, what you don’t realize is that by gradually shortening the length of your pants, you are also improving your tan. To achieve the most effective improper tanning experience, make sure you establish a solid ankle-tan before upgrading to knee-shorts and tanning again. Continue this lengthening process until you are wearing a thong in public and your skin resembles a gradient or until you get kicked out of whatever beach you’re on.

Wear Sunglasses

If you decide to tan at the beach, you are left with one of two options: tan on your back without covering your eyes with sunglasses (for those who want to don the unattractive squinty face all day and experience major eyeball meltage under your eyelids) or wear sunglasses. Those who choose the latter can expect to witness a human-to-raccoon transformation in just a couple of hours.

Get Tan, Use Facial Scrub to Scratch It Off

Let’s say, despite all my helpful anti-normalcy tips, you manage to achieve a perfect tan. There’s a plan B. Before running off to the beach, make sure to dry out your face as much as possible. Then when you get back, you can take a facial scrub and just scratch off bits and pieces of the newly tanned dead skin on your face so you look more like a marble countertop than a human being. (Note: this step is based on real-life events that may have involved other factors that I am unaware of. All I know is that one second, I was washing my face with an apricot facial scrub and the next, I was inspecting a giant white blotch on my forehead in the shape of some tropical island that would end up staying visible for about 3 months.)

Whatever Ross Did On Friends

On a scale from outgoing nudist to J.D. Salinger, how comfortable are you going out in public? If you lean towards the latter and you still want to achieve a creative Cinnamon Toast Crunch-esque tan, just head to the nearest spray tan facility and pull a Ross Gellar. Half-and-half never looked so good.

So whether you are preparing for prom, a wedding or a bathing suit contest, these improper-tanning methods are for you. Don’t be afraid to step out of your skin tone comfort zone and add another color to your tanning palette. You can’t stay translucent forever.

Image via MascaraandMartinis.wordpress.com