Are You There Blog? It's Me Caragh

How to Survive a Family Dinner


Are you of legal age to drink in your country and is there wine at the party? Drink wine. Are you of legal age to drink in your country and there is no wine at the party? Sneak some wine into an 8 ounce cranberry Ocean Spray bottle and sip intermittently throughout the night. Sneak the entire bottle (or box! Desperate times, man)  of wine into the bathroom cabinet. Refill personal supply as needed. If someone asks why you keep getting up to use the bathroom, shake your “cranberry juice” in their face and go into detail about your urinary tract infection.


On a diet? Too bad! You might as well strap a feed bag full of refined carbohydrates to your face like a chubby horse would like to have, because for the rest of the night you’re going to try and find solace at the bottom of your plate of Fettuccine Alfredo. Just because you know it’s not there doesn’t mean you should stop trying.


All of that daydreaming you did in 9th grade algebra trained you for this moment. In between sips of fermented cranberry juice and slurps of adult macaroni and cheese, you may find yourself sighing as you pretend you are eating dinner with Michael Fassbender instead of family members who passively-aggressively declare your personal style as “conservative” when you can tell they mean “boring”, which may or may not have been an exchange I had to deal with 14 hours ago.

Suicide Attempts

Suicide isn’t something to joke about, unless you’re sitting at a table with 5 over-bearing aunts. Bring a tube of fake blood with you to the dinner table. When it all gets too much, pretend to slash your wrists. Hold your hands up to the sky and scream, “Look what you made me do!” When the ambulance comes, ask to be driven to the hospital alone. As soon as the doors shut, offer the EMTs $100 and some boxed wine that was funneled into a 8 ounce Ocean Spray bottle to just bring you home so you can lie in your bed and watch Netflix.

Pretend You Are a Racist

Start slow by making very quiet comments that generalize entire races. Escalate until you are just screaming racial slurs with no verbs or prepositions that would make them actual sentences. Fettuccine Alfredo is now flying out of your mouth and landing on your grandfather’s head, which is sitting baldly on a shocked face. Alternatively, if your family is racist, pretend not to be racist. Say things like, “I sure do love interracial sex-times” and “Wasn’t it great that our nation has at least begun the healing process of racism by electing a President who is half black?” Either way, you’re getting kicked out. Congratulations!