In high school, I had this game. Every day in the winter while walking to school, I would scan the sheets of snow on the pathway ahead and try to guess where the pockets of black ice were hiding. Once I had made my prediction, I would strategically side-step portions of the walkway in order to prevent the dramatic “twist-and-flail” dance that inevitably plagues me at least once a year. What’s that, you say? You want to learn how to slip and fall on the ice? It is your greatest life ambition next to scientifically determining the number of times you can mention your peeing problem before other people start to avoid you? Well, good news. I can help you with one of those goals. (Hint: it is not the latter.)
Ask for a Ride to School
In case you didn’t know, one of the leading causes of death in this country comes from children waking their mother up before 8AM. When the reason for disturbing their slumber involves asking for something, whether it be money, breakfast or a ride to school, the chances of sudden death increase tenfold. As a result, I have never asked for a ride to school. There is a tacit agreement in my household that unless Zeus himself is shooting lightning bolts at your feet each time you attempt to leave the house, you must not request a ride to school. Your life depends on this. So, if you aim to initiate an embarrassing tumble on the ice, this is the first rule you must break. In my case, I asked my stepfather for a ride to school on a morning where I was feeling particularly lazy. Had I asked my mother, I may not be standing here today.
Buy the Most Delicious Drink You Can Find
If you’re planning on making a dramatic, ice-induced fall at some point this winter, make sure you’re holding a drink, preferably a hot one, to enhance the effect. Such beverages can be found at your local coffee shop and often have names like “Spiced Caramel Cider” or “Columbian Angel Tears” all brewed with unheard of commodities like “The Essence of Christmas.” The more delicious it sounds, the higher rate of success you will find with your ice-slipping crusade, as the sugary goodness heightens the possibility for disappointment when it…sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself.
Celebrate Too Early
After stopping at Dunkin Donuts, my stepfather pulled up to the front door where teachers were already starting to funnel into the building. Peering through the car window at the snow-covered cement, I initiated a mini-celebration inside my head, complete with celebratory “You Made It!” signs pinned to the corners of my brain and party hats that said “You’re Cooler Than An Ice Cube.” With my limited edition Milky Way Hot Chocolate in hand (refer to the previous bullet point to learn the significance of this detail), I opened the car door, saluted my driver and confidently placed both feet on the ground, ready to take on the day. If possible, wait for a crowd of popular kids to walk by so that you can announce to them your successful journey from your house to the school, one that didn’t involve slipping on any ice. You’re going to want an audience for your next trick, after all.
Don’t Look Down
You’re standing on the finish line. The doors ahead of you sit propped open as if they are arms waiting to embrace you for completing your brave trek. As you take your first step onto the concrete, you can feel the force of gravity grab the handle of your backpack and pull it to the ground for a kiss. Your feet suddenly develop the ability to fly and, using their invisible wings, they pull themselves up off the blacktop and into the air for a few brief moments. Your drink, inspired by the flight of your feet, takes to the sky, sprinkling drops chocolate-y goodness along the way. The remainder of your beverage escapes down a nearby storm drain, producing a gurgling noise that signals the successful completion of your goal.
If you have reached this point then let me say, congratulations. You have now achieved 1 out of 2 of your life ambitions. While I may not be able to help you with your pee-control issues, I hope that the information provided above will at least improve your winter experiences. If winter is not your season, I would suggest you play another game, perhaps Monopoly, because by the end of that game, winter should be over and you can start working on your next endeavor.
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