How To Name Your Baby Like A Celebrity

Okay, People Magazine, the gig’s up. Make everyone’s life easier and please officially change your name to Babies and Marriages of Famous People Magazine. See, that’s nice, isn’t it? Rolls smoothly off the tongue…

As if my Facebook minifeed isn’t enough to make me want to jump off a cliff, it seems the whole world (aka my college friends and  every magazine cover ever) has decided that the only thing we want to hear about these days are engagements, marriages and babies. BABIES BABIES BABIES.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I looooooove babies. I’m not an evil robot, after all. Babies are great. They’re fat and fluffy (although generally useless), but one can get over their lack of skills when one realizes babies are essentially tiny Santa Clauses, round and jolly and spreading good cheer. It’s true, I may not care to read on my minifeed that your baby pooped solid doodies for the first time today, but in general, yes, I am happy you have a small bundle of joy in your life. In fact, there are times when I myself wish I had my own happy little unicorn to snuggle with, at which point I immediately turn on 16 & Pregnant (or any TLC show where all women seem to have eight babies minimum) and get over my maternal instinct quicker than you can say Honey Boo Boo Child.

But of all the baby phenomena sweeping the nation, there is none so fascinating to me as the naming of celebrity babies. Which in my estimation has become America’s very own version of the sacred British tradition of naming their royals. Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, meet BLUE IVY CARTER… take that, England. Bond, James Bond is a thing of the past; we have Jolie-Pitt, Maddox Jolie-Pitt.  (Side note: do we all think 23 is too old to be adopted into the Jolie-Pitt family? Because as a Cuban/Korea/Filipino myself, I’d be happy to sacrifice for my country and hop on  the Jolie-Pitt diversity train…just sayin’.)

Anyway,  baby names. Where do they come from? How do names like Blue Ivy Carter, Audio Science (Shannon Sossamon’s son) and Poppy Honey Rosie (Jamie Oliver’s daughter) come about? That’s what I thought, too… the aliens. It’s the only explanation! First the pyramids and now the baby names. I can’t pretend to understand their tactics, but then again, I’m not the superior life force plotting to take over Earth.

But regardless of whether it’s the aliens or some other magical force (my little ponies)  that are naming the babies of the future, you shouldn’t have to miss out on the trend simply because you are not regularly featured on the covers of People, Elle, Vogue, or the Times (New York, obvs). Therefore I have come up with a foolproof equation to ensure your future child gets the most unique (*cough* weirdest *cough*) name possible.

First take the name of your favorite sci-fi/fantasy character. Examples: Voldemort, Gandalf, Obi-won, Ron, Princess Leia, Narnia (whatever).

Then add it to your first dog/cat’s name: Rocky, Coco, Max, Cody, Fluffy, Mr. Sassy, Champ.

Pick a biblical/olden days name for your child’s second middle name (they need two middle names to be fancy): Hezikiah, Abraham, Nebuchadnezzar, Jezebel, Mordichai, Ruth, Esther (apparently girls had more normal names in biblical times)

Finally, add a hyphenated last name and there you have it…. Voldemort Rocky Jezebel Gosling-Perez. Now if he isn’t a future movie star destined for greatness, then you can bite me in the buttocks and call me Blue Ivy Carter.

P.S.B. (P.S. Beyoncé) I love the name Blue Ivy Carter and everything about you and your entire life. Please take no offense to this post as you are the goddess of the modern pantheon of Divas.

ASHLEY OUT (Gosh my name is so lame).

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