Chick LiteralHow To Lose A Girl In Ten MinutesAndrea Greb

To say I’m choosy about dating is probably an understatement.  In the spirit of being nicer and also not dying alone, I am currently making an effort to give people a chance.  Unfortunately sometimes you give a guy who seemed nice a chance and he proceeds to ruin the experience so completely that you wonder why you even tried.

“Ja’ke” was a guy I met through one of those sports leagues where you play elementary school sports in the name of meeting people.  I was lukewarm about him, but he was clearly into me, seemed like a nice enough guy, my friends liked him, and when people not showing up to a party meant I had ended up spending a few hours of one on one time with him, I decided that I’d give it a shot.  He proceeded to blow his chance with me in every way possible.

Are you looking to rid yourself of a girl in short order?  Here are some tips:

Insult her friends:  Jake is 23.  I run with a crowd that is pushing but not yet quite at 30.  In perhaps the first 20 minutes of our conversation, Jake managed to incorrectly insinuate that one of my friends was having some sort of pre-30 crisis and another was desperate to get married.  Even had these allegations been true, the way to win over a girl is not to say derogatory or judgmental things about her friends.  Girls are not actually competitive bitches who want to think that guys think they’re better than our friends.  We actually quite like our girlfriends and tend not to want to hang out with guys who say mean things about them.

Tell her you’ve had 10 drinks at like, 9pm.  I am not impressed with your tolerance or your ability to still be functional.  I am concerned you’re an alcoholic.

Call anyone you’ve dated “crazy.”  This is, honestly, the biggest red flag in the world.  In my experience, none of these girls are ever crazy.  And you know if a guy is referring to some other girl in this manner, it’s only a matter of time til he’s referring to you the same way if you make the mistake of dating him.  This poor maligned girl committed the heinous sins of asking him to stay out dancing a little longer while at a club, and repeatedly calling him, once from her friend’s phone.  In my experience, these things are not “crazy.”  They are “normal things that girls in their 20′s do.”  If she kept you at the club by handcuffing you to a stripper pole, then you have a story.  If she asked you politely to stay and you chose to, that’s on you.

Constantly one-up her.  Everything I had done, Jake had done it better.  I attempted to convey an anecdote about a hilarious brunch date I went on, he interrupted to tell me that the best brunch ever in all the world was in Providence, because “even college students line up to go there.”  Having been a college student, I can attest that our taste in food is not always the greatest.  I mentioned I was thinking of buying some shelves for my living room, and he pooh-pooh-ed my desire to spend money on actual grownup furniture and insisted that his shelves were the grandest in all the land.  I have passed the phase in my life in which I want to buy furniture that involves the words “particle board” or “Amazon,” as his did.  Pro tip:  if you want to impress a girl, do so on your own merits, not by trying to explain all the ways in which you know better than her.

Casual misogyny!  Sharing a story about how your method of greeting all your female friends in college was slapping them on the ass does not make me think you’re a cool guy because you have all these girls who are comfortable with you treating them in such a manner.  It makes you sound like an entitled jackass who’s totally down with the “Blurred Lines” culture we live in.

Tell her what she wants and never listen to anything she says.  Don’t tell a girl what she wants to hear.  Just tell her want she wants, because obviously you know better than she does.  If you ask her what she’s looking for in a guy and she tells you, don’t contradict her.  This may come as a shock, but sometimes people say things not to hear the sound of their own voice, but because they mean them.  Here’s a hint:  if a girl tells you she ‘isn’t dating right now because she’s working on herself,’ this is not a coded phrase for “I’m really insecure and I want you to validate me and tell me I’m perfect as I am.”  It is either a literal statement that a girl isn’t dating because it’s a huge timesuck and she wants some time to work on herself, or it is a coded phrase for “I am not dating you right now, or probably ever, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying that.”   Also, if you repeatedly ask a girl to meet you for a meal the next day and she says she has errands to run, this doesn’t mean you should just keep insisting she have brunch with you (plus, it’s not the brunch in Providence so it probably won’t be that great anyway).  It means she really needs to go to the Container Store, or she just doesn’t want to have brunch with you.  Let it go.

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  1. Yeah, there are douches in the world, and also 23-year-old who, from my own experience having been one half decade ago, tend to be at their douchiest. It seems though this guy was allowed to continue to be that way without really being told off…. there’s a way to nicely kinda set the boundaries which teaches him a lesson and sets the like of acceptability… this will only help him in the long run…

  2. The competitive thing is a TOTAL truth. Why do men DO that??!
    And you’re right, whilst we all have “frenemies” our best friends are our BEST friends and if you disrespect them in front of me I will lose interest quicker than you can say “go fuck yourself”

  3. Sounds like Jakie poo was nervous and rambling. A beautiful woman can give someone verbal diarrhea. Y’know-saying anything that comes into the ol’ noggin’.

    That said, life is short and you don’t have time to train someone to not say asshat things just because they are nervous. Hand holding is not a good way to start out a relationship.

    You’re young but hey even if you were old, what is the point in settling? This isn’t olden times where women need a man to survive. Keep being critical and having standards, and someone who appreciates that and is confident enough to handle that will come along.

  4. You have standards! This is nothing to be ashamed of! I could add another: “unnecessarily being overly critical of anyone, especially strangers” I hate it when a guy starts making fun of people in the room, just because he is bored. Sorry not at all interesting to me.

  5. Preach girl. This was great!

  6. Major turn off: men who consider dating/ relating to women a “game”. If you feel the need to “play” instead of relate then you are a douche.

  7. I have one guy friend in particular who ruins every female encounter by doing the things above. Would it be rude to casually post this to his wall? :)

  8. “Oh I can casually smoke meth, no big deal.”

  9. I broke up with my first major boyfriend because he did all of these things especially the misogyny. Ugh.

  10. You’ve just described in perfect detail why none of my dates last more than an hour and a half. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one.

  11. Here’s the thing, the fact that you let this guy talk to you for 20 minutes is a proof that his “game” actually works.

    Just ask yourself how many times you ditch guys that are “nice” in the first 5 minutes of the convo, the fact here is that, girls, like confrontation and are competitive when it comes to flirting. I bet if he toned down just a little bit you wouldn’t be complaining or worse if he says something extremely nice like “I volunteer at the homeless shelter” he’d be such a catch.

    • Don’t think so, buddy. If his “game” worked, he would’ve spent the night. Did he? No. He got 20 minutes of chit-chat. Ooo, what a winner! I give 20 mins of chatting to my elderly neighbor who talks about earwax and hearing aids. Not a big deal.

      Contrary to the popular belief dudes like you hold, nice PEOPLE are what we look for. I’d love to actually know someone, let alone a GUY, who volunteers.

      This is exactly what I hate about the “jerk/nice guy” cop out. It gives you an excuse to be rude. The “nice guys” who complain about being “too nice” to get a girl aren’t nice at all. They think they are owed sex because they are friends with a girl. Look up Dylan Garity’s “Friend Zone” slam on Youtube, he’ll explain it to you further.

    • If your ultimate goal is to get laid, then you’ll need to make it past getting ditching after a 20 minute conversation. I wouldn’t call that game.

    • Igor, here’s a good article addressing some of the points you made.. One of my favorite articles of all time. http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

    • Seems like this list was written about you, Igor.

    • Igor,

      It doesn’t mean his ‘game’ worked. It means she wasn’t rude. Not all girls like confrontation nor are they competitive.

      BTW, I support your love of the comma, but maybe a little research into proper usage might be helpful.