How To Gain Fifteen Pounds in Seven Months Flat

Hey, Girlfrondz!

When I think back on 2011, I will remember it as the year that I started a website with two of my BFFs, saw a man’s eye fall out of his head in Palm Springs, started writing for 2 Broke Girls and, most notably, gained fifteen pounds in seven months flat.

First of all, don’t be jealous. I can see you (turn around, hi) getting a little bit jealous of me and my “new curves”, but I would never announce something like a fifteen pound weight gain without letting you know how you can do exactly the same. Granted, I had a leg up because the majority of the food I consume is selected from a well-balanced craft service room that is provided at my job, but with the right amount of shamelessness and commitment to not caring about your health or appearance, I’m sure you can find a way to duplicate this routine at home.

Ready? Here we go:

Exercise Routine

  1. Walk from your bed to the shower to closet to the car, drive and walk to the office in one hour flat. Reverse this motion nine to fifteen hours later. Lay flat for eight hours. Repeat this five days a week.
  2. On Saturdays, dance using only your arms at a party. Do not move from the corner while doing so.
  3. Never, ever have sex. Ever. Don’t even talk to anyone you might have sex with because thinking about sex might increase your heart rate, which should be avoided at all costs.

7-Day Meal Plan

To be repeated until goal is reached.

Monday

  • Breakfast – Coffee
  • AM Snack – A clementine or other seasonal fruit, latte with “mad 2%”, Diet Coke
  • Lunch – Lasagna, a chicken breast, caeser salad for three, a dinner roll (maybe two if they are crazy squishy), miniature chocolate bar, Coca-Cola Classic
  • PM Snack – A bowl the size of my head filled with Cheez-Its
  • Dinner – Two glasses of wine

Tuesday

  • Breakfast – Greek yogurt, coffee.
  • AM Snack – Guilt (the emotion), Diet Coke
  • Lunch – Baby back ribs, sautéed spinach, two servings of mashed potatoes, polenta
  • PM Snack – Head size Cheez-Its bowl, handful of Nerds candy, two pretzels,  Coca-Cola Classic
  • Dinner – Three Diet Cokes, hummus, pita chips
  • 10 PM Snack – Bag of M&Ms, apple, half a bottle of wine

Wednesday

  • Breakfast – A handful of every type cereal in the kitchen, a bite of a buffalo chicken finger, two Cheez-Its,  coffee (every third Wednesday, you should switch this out with a half of a breakfast sandwich on a croissant)
  • AM Snack – Pretzels flavored like hot wings or pizza, three or four pickles
  • Lunch – Cobb salad, pot roast, corn chips, baked potato, shrimp cocktail, lemonade, Diet Coke
  • PM Snack – Head size Cheez-It bowl, a cupcake or similar baked good
  • Dinner – A portion of five different dishes from P.F. Changs, Diet Coke
  • 10 PM Snack – Whatever you can find in your purse, two beers

Thursday

  • Breakfast – Coffee
  • AM Snack – Coffee, Diet Coke
  • Lunch – 10-15 slices of deli turkey, string cheese
  • PM Snack – Head size Cheez-It Bowl, three miniature chocolate bars, a gummy candy that looks like Sponge Bob Square Pants
  • Dinner –  Two Diet Cokes, bottle of wine
  • 10 PM Snack – Two pickles, handful of cashews

Friday

  • Breakfast – Coffee
  • AM Snack – Latte with “mad 2%”
  • Lunch – Six vegetable dumplings, six pieces of sushi, three or four pickles, Coca-Cola Classic
  • PM Snack – Head size Cheez-It Bowl
  • Dinner – Three glasses of Maker’s Mark
  • 12 AM Snack – In-N-Out cheeseburger (animal style), Coca-Cola Classic

Saturday

  • Breakfast – N/A
  • AM Snack – Coffee, three or four pickles
  • Lunch – Diet Coke
  • PM Snack – A pizza
  • Dinner – A bottle of wine, a painkiller if you’re hypothetically into that sort of thing, sea salt rice chips

Sunday

  • Breakfast – Coffee
  • AM Snack – Coffee
  • Lunch – Ham and cheese sandwich
  • PM Snack – Tea
  • Dinner – Ham and cheese sandwich

Easy enough, right?

The important thing to remember is that you can only consume two sips of any water bottle that you open before you throw it on the floor of your car and never touch it again because everyone knows that car water is breast cancer water.

You also want to keep in mind that the more calories you get from liquids that aren’t water, the better. Bonus points if they are dehydrating and cause bloating.

When you’re packing on those fifteen pounds, you need to remember that anything that’s going to decrease the level of sodium in your body lower than, say, the Dead Sea, is going to get in the way of your goal. Salted meats are going to be your ticket to “Hey, I can’t go out tonight because none of my pants fit and yes, I’m being serious and no, I don’t feel comfortable in any of my dresses either and yes, I swear I’m not being dramatic, my body’s really changed and I don’t know who I am anymore” Town.

Stick close to both the candy drawer and the liquor cabinet and remember, straight-up laziness is your friend. Any time you want to make a salad at home, remember that restaurants notoriously use the fattiest and most sugary versions of the same vegetables in theirs. Just be mindful not to walk to and from the car too fast when you go to pick it up and use delivery services whenever possible.

Follow these simple and delicious steps and come July, you’ll find yourself at the membership counter of your local gym, fighting back tears, after accidentally browsing in the maternity section at Target because “those leggings look like they might be an option.”

Good luck and handfuls of shrimp,

Molls

Image via wmattstewart

  • Anonymous

    great food for thought. (Marcelle, not Ruby)

  • http://www.facebook.com/kcostantini Katherine Costantini

    …as an ad for Everyday Food Light and an ad for Domino’s stuffed cheesy bread appear on the sidebar

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1504153968 Rachel Bak

    1. Happy Birthday!!!!!! 2. BEST diet ever I’m already doing the water part so the cheez-it bowl that’s the size of my head has been done plenty of times sometimes I rinse the bowl (yay burning calories it takes awhile its big!) and refill it with ice cream to reward myself for cleaning it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=566806617 Karoline Onsrud

    You saw a man’s eye fall out of his head?? Tell me more!

  • http://www.facebook.com/brunagabriella Bruna Pinheiro

    I gained 15 pounds in 3 months when I moved from Brazil to the USA. Yay for super fatty and processed food full of chemicals every single day – but not.

  • http://www.facebook.com/wayfaring.archivist Eileen Hogan

    Sounds a bit like my 2011. Only I didn’t see a man’s eyeball fall out of his head in Palm Springs, I just cried my eyes out when I stepped in a freaking cactus in Palm Springs.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=677461839 Brittany Höllenbräu

    molls, you are my favorite. hilarious shit here as always. i work on a TV show in the writer’s room too and every hiatus all of us lose weight, then come back from hiatus, eat free restaurant bought lunches everyday and subsequently gain it all back. it’s a never ending cycle and it’s a bitch. but after reading this, i’m going to straightup embrace it. bring on the free food, NBC. bring. it. ON. this bitch is huuungry

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisrmiller Elisabeth Miller

    I see your 15 lbs and raise it to 35 lbs in three months! All you have to do to achieve this is to have a nervous breakdown, get put on tons of weight-gaining meds and never move from your bed. Surprisingly, losing the weight is taking much, much longer.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=792122222 Caitlin Gaffney

    where is the ‘print’ button?!

  • http://www.facebook.com/AprilcMcLean April McLean

    “Because everyone knows that car water is breast cancer water.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/AprilcMcLean April McLean

    Also. College.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rand0mflora Flora Camarillo

    Happy Birthday, Molls! Also, I did a similar diet for a while, but mine got me up 40 lbs in 6 months! I’ve got curves coming out of my curves, girl! Curves coming out of my curves!

    *sob!*

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=9104622 Lauren Aufiero

    Molls, TELL US ABOUT THE EYEBALL POPPIN’ SITUATIONZZZ!!!!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/rosemeza Rose Meza

    Seriously though. Can we all hear more about this man eyeball situation?

  • http://www.facebook.com/alison.downs Alison Downs

    BREAST CANCER WATER. This is so true–have you been looking at the floor/seat of my passenger side?

  • http://www.facebook.com/auntmooch Ashley Miller

    This had me rolling. It’s how i’ve gained weight working at a call center sitting on my ass for 8 hours a day. I do have some AMAZING stories about people though….

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=695342537 Cassandra Nevels

    OMG, LOVE IT! I’m going to send this to all of my malnourished girlfriends who consider tic-tacs and a non-fat sugar-free latte their cheat meal. AND I agree with Lauren, WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE EYEBALL POPPIN’ SITCH?!?! Don’t hold out on us!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000066598407 Kathryn Ní Dhonnabháin

    You mean I’ve been on this diet the whole time and never knew?! Ace in the hole re the no sex part of the exercise plan unfortunately. Funny stuff, first time visitor and reader from far far away…(Ireland) and I’ll be back

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1651685715 Violet Frieda Gray

    hilarious!! especially the exercise routine. kinda sounds like a summer i had when i was still living in nyc, save for writing for an ace t.v. show & being friends w/ zooey. i witnessed in one day a jewellery store robbery complete w/ someone getting shot, a car run up onto the sidewalk & smash into a bench with people on it
    & a bike messenger who got clipped and flipped into the street by a taxi door.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Volcompunk58 Kara Walker

    I have a huge unopened smartwater in the back seat of my car. Just in case I break down in the middle of no where someday and need to drink it. After that day happens ill prob have to go get a mammogram or something. You can never win when your car breaks down unfortunately.

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