How To Gain Fifteen Pounds in Seven Months Flat
by Molly McAleer
Hey, Girlfrondz!
When I think back on 2011, I will remember it as the year that I started a website with two of my BFFs, saw a man’s eye fall out of his head in Palm Springs, started writing for 2 Broke Girls and, most notably, gained fifteen pounds in seven months flat.
First of all, don’t be jealous. I can see you (turn around, hi) getting a little bit jealous of me and my “new curves”, but I would never announce something like a fifteen pound weight gain without letting you know how you can do exactly the same. Granted, I had a leg up because the majority of the food I consume is selected from a well-balanced craft service room that is provided at my job, but with the right amount of shamelessness and commitment to not caring about your health or appearance, I’m sure you can find a way to duplicate this routine at home.
Ready? Here we go:
Exercise Routine
- Walk from your bed to the shower to closet to the car, drive and walk to the office in one hour flat. Reverse this motion nine to fifteen hours later. Lay flat for eight hours. Repeat this five days a week.
- On Saturdays, dance using only your arms at a party. Do not move from the corner while doing so.
- Never, ever have sex. Ever. Don’t even talk to anyone you might have sex with because thinking about sex might increase your heart rate, which should be avoided at all costs.
7-Day Meal Plan
To be repeated until goal is reached.
Monday
- Breakfast – Coffee
- AM Snack – A clementine or other seasonal fruit, latte with “mad 2%”, Diet Coke
- Lunch – Lasagna, a chicken breast, caeser salad for three, a dinner roll (maybe two if they are crazy squishy), miniature chocolate bar, Coca-Cola Classic
- PM Snack – A bowl the size of my head filled with Cheez-Its
- Dinner – Two glasses of wine
Tuesday
- Breakfast – Greek yogurt, coffee.
- AM Snack – Guilt (the emotion), Diet Coke
- Lunch – Baby back ribs, sautéed spinach, two servings of mashed potatoes, polenta
- PM Snack – Head size Cheez-Its bowl, handful of Nerds candy, two pretzels, Coca-Cola Classic
- Dinner – Three Diet Cokes, hummus, pita chips
- 10 PM Snack – Bag of M&Ms, apple, half a bottle of wine
Wednesday
- Breakfast – A handful of every type cereal in the kitchen, a bite of a buffalo chicken finger, two Cheez-Its, coffee (every third Wednesday, you should switch this out with a half of a breakfast sandwich on a croissant)
- AM Snack – Pretzels flavored like hot wings or pizza, three or four pickles
- Lunch – Cobb salad, pot roast, corn chips, baked potato, shrimp cocktail, lemonade, Diet Coke
- PM Snack – Head size Cheez-It bowl, a cupcake or similar baked good
- Dinner – A portion of five different dishes from P.F. Changs, Diet Coke
- 10 PM Snack – Whatever you can find in your purse, two beers
Thursday
- Breakfast – Coffee
- AM Snack – Coffee, Diet Coke
- Lunch – 10-15 slices of deli turkey, string cheese
- PM Snack – Head size Cheez-It Bowl, three miniature chocolate bars, a gummy candy that looks like Sponge Bob Square Pants
- Dinner – Two Diet Cokes, bottle of wine
- 10 PM Snack – Two pickles, handful of cashews
Friday
- Breakfast – Coffee
- AM Snack – Latte with “mad 2%”
- Lunch – Six vegetable dumplings, six pieces of sushi, three or four pickles, Coca-Cola Classic
- PM Snack – Head size Cheez-It Bowl
- Dinner – Three glasses of Maker’s Mark
- 12 AM Snack – In-N-Out cheeseburger (animal style), Coca-Cola Classic
Saturday
- Breakfast – N/A
- AM Snack – Coffee, three or four pickles
- Lunch – Diet Coke
- PM Snack – A pizza
- Dinner – A bottle of wine, a painkiller if you’re hypothetically into that sort of thing, sea salt rice chips
Sunday
- Breakfast – Coffee
- AM Snack – Coffee
- Lunch – Ham and cheese sandwich
- PM Snack – Tea
- Dinner – Ham and cheese sandwich
Easy enough, right?
The important thing to remember is that you can only consume two sips of any water bottle that you open before you throw it on the floor of your car and never touch it again because everyone knows that car water is breast cancer water.
You also want to keep in mind that the more calories you get from liquids that aren’t water, the better. Bonus points if they are dehydrating and cause bloating.
When you’re packing on those fifteen pounds, you need to remember that anything that’s going to decrease the level of sodium in your body lower than, say, the Dead Sea, is going to get in the way of your goal. Salted meats are going to be your ticket to “Hey, I can’t go out tonight because none of my pants fit and yes, I’m being serious and no, I don’t feel comfortable in any of my dresses either and yes, I swear I’m not being dramatic, my body’s really changed and I don’t know who I am anymore” Town.
Stick close to both the candy drawer and the liquor cabinet and remember, straight-up laziness is your friend. Any time you want to make a salad at home, remember that restaurants notoriously use the fattiest and most sugary versions of the same vegetables in theirs. Just be mindful not to walk to and from the car too fast when you go to pick it up and use delivery services whenever possible.
Follow these simple and delicious steps and come July, you’ll find yourself at the membership counter of your local gym, fighting back tears, after accidentally browsing in the maternity section at Target because “those leggings look like they might be an option.”
Good luck and handfuls of shrimp,
Molls
Image via wmattstewart
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01.10.2012 |
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great food for thought. (Marcelle, not Ruby)
…as an ad for Everyday Food Light and an ad for Domino’s stuffed cheesy bread appear on the sidebar
1. Happy Birthday!!!!!! 2. BEST diet ever I’m already doing the water part so the cheez-it bowl that’s the size of my head has been done plenty of times sometimes I rinse the bowl (yay burning calories it takes awhile its big!) and refill it with ice cream to reward myself for cleaning it.
You saw a man’s eye fall out of his head?? Tell me more!
I gained 15 pounds in 3 months when I moved from Brazil to the USA. Yay for super fatty and processed food full of chemicals every single day – but not.
Sounds a bit like my 2011. Only I didn’t see a man’s eyeball fall out of his head in Palm Springs, I just cried my eyes out when I stepped in a freaking cactus in Palm Springs.
molls, you are my favorite. hilarious shit here as always. i work on a TV show in the writer’s room too and every hiatus all of us lose weight, then come back from hiatus, eat free restaurant bought lunches everyday and subsequently gain it all back. it’s a never ending cycle and it’s a bitch. but after reading this, i’m going to straightup embrace it. bring on the free food, NBC. bring. it. ON. this bitch is huuungry
I see your 15 lbs and raise it to 35 lbs in three months! All you have to do to achieve this is to have a nervous breakdown, get put on tons of weight-gaining meds and never move from your bed. Surprisingly, losing the weight is taking much, much longer.
where is the ‘print’ button?!
“Because everyone knows that car water is breast cancer water.”
Also. College.
Happy Birthday, Molls! Also, I did a similar diet for a while, but mine got me up 40 lbs in 6 months! I’ve got curves coming out of my curves, girl! Curves coming out of my curves!
*sob!*
Molls, TELL US ABOUT THE EYEBALL POPPIN’ SITUATIONZZZ!!!!!!
Seriously though. Can we all hear more about this man eyeball situation?
BREAST CANCER WATER. This is so true–have you been looking at the floor/seat of my passenger side?
This had me rolling. It’s how i’ve gained weight working at a call center sitting on my ass for 8 hours a day. I do have some AMAZING stories about people though….
OMG, LOVE IT! I’m going to send this to all of my malnourished girlfriends who consider tic-tacs and a non-fat sugar-free latte their cheat meal. AND I agree with Lauren, WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE EYEBALL POPPIN’ SITCH?!?! Don’t hold out on us!
You mean I’ve been on this diet the whole time and never knew?! Ace in the hole re the no sex part of the exercise plan unfortunately. Funny stuff, first time visitor and reader from far far away…(Ireland) and I’ll be back
hilarious!! especially the exercise routine. kinda sounds like a summer i had when i was still living in nyc, save for writing for an ace t.v. show & being friends w/ zooey. i witnessed in one day a jewellery store robbery complete w/ someone getting shot, a car run up onto the sidewalk & smash into a bench with people on it
& a bike messenger who got clipped and flipped into the street by a taxi door.
I have a huge unopened smartwater in the back seat of my car. Just in case I break down in the middle of no where someday and need to drink it. After that day happens ill prob have to go get a mammogram or something. You can never win when your car breaks down unfortunately.
Brilliant article! I had a similar diet when wanting to donate blood. I’m very short, so fell below the weight criteria. I decided to try to put on the extra weight for my donation, in case they called me up on it. I took full advantage of that and ate to my heart’s content. These days I don’t have an excuse for my eating habits.. except that I just didn’t stop eating after that. I have to say that I love your head-sized Cheez-it bowl meal. I might incorporate that into my life.
PS. Happy birthday
omg….im peeing my pants laughing at this/shaking my head in agreement at the same time! Glad to know someone else has gone through a rough nutritional routine patch recently lmao
Your work lunches sound dooooppee!
Reading this made me giggle huge amounts! Loves <3
All I can think of is the Simpsons episode where Homer, with the help of Dr. Nick, works hard to gain weight!
Dr. Nick: Now, there are many options for dangerously underweight individuals, like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.”
Homer: Of course.
Dr. Nick: You need to focus on the lesser food groups, such as the Whipped group, the congealed group and the Chocotastic!”
Homer: What can I do to speed up the whole thing, Doctor?”
Dr. Nick Riviera: Be creative. Instead of eating sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!
Dr. Nick Riviera: Heh, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too?
Dr. Nick Riviera: And remember, if you’re not sure about something, just rub it against a piece of paper. [Rubs a drumstick on a sheet of paper, which subsequently turns clear in the center] If the paper turns clear, it’s your window to weight gain! [Looks through paper and waves] Bye bye, everybody!
This is the best diet ever. You are my new inspiration for my recent weight gain and I endeavor to be just like you.
I once gained 30 pounds in 6 months of study abroad in France. I called it “wine and cheese” weight….really it was more like “a loaf of french bread every morning after pounding gallons of cheap beer each nigh”t weight. Potato, potato – it remains one of my greatest accomplishments.
Hahaha! crying laughing so hard! …amazing.