I’ve driven around half the states in this country, but because I live in Los Angeles now, I am constantly frozen in a state of terror and anxiety. Not because of the persistent possibility of a massive earthquake, or the fires that usually rage each Summer/Fall. Not even because of flash floods, shootings or Justin Bieber. I have a crippling fear that I must live with every day, because everybody out there drives like a lunatic. I know that makes me sound like your father, but in my defense: clean your room or no dessert.
Below is a list of various driving malfunctions you can avoid if you would like me to not loathe the very thought of your existence for all eternity. They are also great safety tips for not killing yourself or anyone else with your vehicle.
Put. Down. Your. Effing. Phone.
Just because you spent the morning in Yoga class, you don’t have a third eye in the middle of your forehead with which to casually glance the road while you’re face-deep in your phone. Are you that bored by the ten billion other cars around you that you need constant stimulation from a tiny screen? Maybe you’re just super-special and fancy-important so that email couldn’t wait until a red light. Or when you park your car. Or when ~gasp~ you are no longer in your car. I hear that being fancy-important also comes with a unique ability to drive while paying no attention. My bad. Didn’t realize you had a robot car.
Ps. to the woman who nearly crashed into me twice and didn’t even notice last week because her phone was so far in her face she was inhaling the radiation: I hear there are great job opportunities in Greenland. You should go check those out.
Green = Go
I know, I know. You’ve been driving for ten blocks since the last red light, and are exhausted. And thirty seconds of sitting in one place is impossible to do without getting distracted by the myriad of tweets and texts that must have flooded in since three minutes ago! Being you is really hard. No wonder it’s impossible to notice when the light changes! Or maybe you’re just taking a much needed respite and can’t be bothered with things like thirty other cars behind you. Do what you need to do. I’ll just sit here until the end of eternity, waiting for you to figure out how to get your car to move forward at the speed of traffic.
Mind the Gap
You know when you’re sitting at that red light, ignoring it lest it turn green and you might need to move again, and you leave that giant 3-car-long gap in front of you?* Can you explain that to me? I know your car is a special snowflake that needs its space, but chances are somewhere behind you someone else is stuck in the intersection. Oh, right, someone else. My bad. Screw them, you’re the only one who matters!
*This is for freeway driving. Not red lights. I hate you.
The pretty blinking light is not for decoration
It’s so I don’t smash my car into yours when it changes direction with no warning at great speeds. Or when you suddenly slow from 40mph to 10mph because apparently it’s not possible to make a right hand turn at speeds exceeding turtle death. I know that a car is like a little apartment on wheels, but you still have neighbors. The rest of us don’t live inside your head, so smart people with clipboards have designed a way for you to share your feelings about your directional choices with that clever little blinking light. Please use it. I promise the sun won’t implode if you think about someone other than yourself.
No split second decisions, please
If it involves yanking your wheel, just say no. Usually it isn’t even for anything important, people will just dart between lanes so they can go 0.003mph faster, or suddenly veer off into another street because they decided that’s what they feel like now. Again, I refer you to the point above about neighbors and not being a selfish jerk. That’s only funny if you’re animated.
This isn’t the lunch line in the cafeteria
You can let me into your lane. Or that other guy who’s had his blinker on since the dawn of time. I know we’re in cars and all, but this isn’t actually a race. If you let someone in front of you, it’s not really cutting in line because there is no line, we’re all going to different places (also, most of us stopped making a big deal about no cutsies when we graduated middle school). This is especially true if you’re driving in the New York tri-state area, where you can easily miss your turn-off because no one wants to let you into their lane. Fun fact: it’s not actually “their” lane. No one can own a lane, it’s public space. Sharing is caring.
If you drive a car anywhere within the New York tri-state area
I hope you get herpes. On your eyeballs.
Those lines in the road are so pretty
They go on either side of your car, not in the middle. Stop veering into my lane. My car is in my lane. And I am in my car. I would like to keep all of this in a separate physical space from you and your car. I’m not a physicist, but if we combine our shared car space at the speed the average human drives at, neither of us will be doing too well. Also, if you’re driving 200 miles below the speed limit and not letting me pass you because half of your car is in my lane, I will end you.
/you
No joke.
A fun story about the worst person ever
The other night some a**hole drove down a turn at five bajillion miles an hour because it was 2am and apparently they are the only ones who exist at that time of day. They careened into the car in front, flipping it over and sending it across the street. Naturally, like anyone else would, they opted to skip the part where they checked to make sure they hadn’t just killed someone, and drove off before anyone could get their license plate number. Now, I know that driving is a complex and challenging flower, but when you do it wrong, don’t leave people for dead. For serious. What the HELL.
Everyone was fine, by the way. Except the car.
In conclusion
Listen. I know we all like to rip apart other drivers and think that no one can handle a steering wheel except me. Which is true, and you should all just stay home from now on. Or walk. Or scooter. Or bike (but wear a helmet, because seriously, why does no one wear a helmet?). The truth is, if everyone paid just a little bit more attention to the people around them and communicated with them more, we would all be fine. I wouldn’t come home every day feeling like I narrowly escaped death – or at least death by insurance premiums – because some idiot doesn’t like using a turn signal and does what they want. And seriously, I cannot stress this enough – put. your. f*cking. phone. down.
Image via Natalie Dee. Video ⓒ Fox via YouTube (can we talk about what a great show The Critic was, you guys?)
I’m a So Cal driver and the cell phone thing kills me! It is ILLEGAL to talk or text on your phone while driving unless you have a hands free device (ie. Blue Tooth) Now I don’t get paid the big bucks, but I have a cheap little Blue Tooth device to use in the car. I can chat away with both hands on the wheel. I LOVE[Hate] the drivers that think they aren’t breaking the “hands free” law if they don’t hold the phone to their face. That’s almost worse!
I’m with you 100% on this. I’m 21 and a learner driver in Sydney and I swear that being a passenger for 6 years longer than most people has given me an extra sense for seeing how awful some people are at driving. The only thing I can disagree with is leaving the 3 second gap at traffic lights. This has been tested that you can actually get more cars through a rotation at traffic lights if everybody leaves that 3 second gap because you don’t need to wait for the person in front of you to go, everybody can just take off at the same time. I’m not saying I personally do it, but I have seen that it works.
But seriously you are spot on. I hate selfish drivers!
Dear bikers that like to use country roads with no shoulder or bike lane,
Please for the love of god, AT LEAST choose a road that doesn’t have 90 degree hills! God forbid you’re going downhill as I’m rounding the crest and kill you, or try to pass you and drive into on-coming traffic. Also, don’t ignore the cars behind you and do a coutesy scoot over.
I LOVE YOU
People who text and drive make me SO ANGRY. Hi, did you know you have more than the death rate of a drunk driver? Did you know that?
I don’t want to die because you’re stupid. Kthanxbai.
Dear LA drivers- when you are exiting a parking lot or driveway, PLEASE continue to pull your car halfway into the right hand lane before bothering to look for traffic or stop. Us drivers in the right lane just LOVE to have heart attacks and we never get enough opportunities to test our brakes (just to make sure they will work when aliens land on the freeway with no warning)
Dear Portland pedestrians/cyclists – please see above, and replace ‘car’ with ‘self”. =P
I’m a born and rasied New Yorker and the whole “it’s MY lane!” thing gets so tired. People act like you are personally challenging them when you want to switch lanes. The worst is when someone sees you put on your blinker and then SPEEDS UP so you can’t get in in front of them even though there was ample room for another car before they decided to be a jerk. This has led to people not using their signals, so that other cars can’t block them out of a lane. It’s so ridiculous. Both of my parents are aggressive drivers and it took me years after getting my license to realize getting in front of that one person or the possibility of getting to a destination 30 seconds faster is not worth risking your life. I thankfully live in the city now and never have to deal with driving. Public transportation all the way!
LOL I have a parent I don’t drive with for this reason- unless I’m the one driving. I value my life.
I do hate most drivers in LA and the way they park. I have constant road rage, but I do have to defend a gap when stopped. I learned that the good distance is to be able to see the bottom of their tires and here is why: If the person behind you is reading an email or watching youtube or putting on lipstick and they hit you, you have less of a chance smashing into the car in front of you. Also, if you are caught in some crazy trap where someone wants to rob you (paranoid parents rubbing off on me) you have the space to maneuver and get away.
I come home everyday with a horror story about some dummy on the road! And I live in the COUNTRY! They really will let anyone have their liscense!
How about the asshole in an Escalade who gets about 2 inches from your rear bumper on a 45 degree angle hill WHEN YOU’RE DRIVING A MANUAL??? Does this person want a smashed bumper?
I have to deal with dumb drivers 9-5 monday through friday….gotta love being a delivery person. You know whats sad is that I can identify everything….post and comments. I’ve seen it all…it makes you want to pull your hair out and develop some serious road rage.
In a word: TAILGATERS. I don’t drive like an old woman, but I’m also not going to go 20 miles an hour just so some douchebag in a Mercedes/Lexus/BMW (Always. ALWAYS!) can get to their destination 10 seconds earlier. Also, I kid you NOT, I saw a woman weaving in and out of two lanes at 8:30 am. I thought it was a bit EARLY for drunk driving. When we got to the light, I peeked into her car…she was doing her flipping TAXES WHILE DRIVING. Not EVEN the 1040EZ, the LONG FORM!!!!! W. T. F.
My peeve is when they put brakes on, practically stop and then put tneir blinker on! Also, the off ramps on the freeway are graded to go on them at freeway speed. You aren’t supposed to stop before you exit!
Yessss! Also, you’re supposed to merge when you are entering the on-ramp, while LOOKING at the other other cars, attempting to merge with the other drivers. Not ignoring them and expecting them to get out of the way. Like some people. :/
And people wonder why I don’t have a license… just watching people drive when I’m out walking scares the bejeezus out of me. I live in a city with perfectly good public transportation and I have friends who will drive me places if I ask.
the lack of signals is the root of all evil. It’s so easy. Like flipping a light switch when you walk into a room. Why can’t people handle it?
Guilty of not signaling here, but only when making a right turn. I have noticed many times how drivers making a left onto a street I am making a right turn into think they have the right of way. Therefore to avoid them turning into my right of way I forgo the signal. Pisses a few people off but I’d rather piss people off than have them hit me.
how about when the jerk in front of you, waiting at a red light, decides to put on his left-turn signal AFTER the light turns green, and the 20 cars lined up behind you pass you one by one, back to front, until the light turns yellow, the jerk finally turns left, and everybody is through the intersection except for you, waiting through another red light. grrrrr
I share your rage! The worst part? The horn on my car stopped working which results in me yelling, “YOU’RE MAKING BAD CHOICES!”** through my usually closed car window.
**Yes, I am an elementary school teacher.
Hah. I’m not a teacher, but I do yell, “You’re making poor life decisions!” because it’s a bit nicer than cussing.
Please move to Nashville.
I work with Special Ed kids….so the “you’re making bad choices!” line cracked me up! I use that too!
If you want to turn right, get in the right hand lane. Not the center lane and then all the sudden turn and almost hit the car next to you.
oh and let’s not forget about the stupid people who are clearly doing something wrong and when you honk at them, they flip you off and act like you’re the ass. Here’s one I want to add–the on-ramp to the freeway is NOT the place for a three point turn! I was waiting to get on the freeway once and some guy was BACKING UP off the on-ramp. I honked and he yelled at me like I was doing something wrong! Really? Yeah…no.