I consider myself a Crying Connoisseur. I’ve cried on numerous couches, on the floors of two bathrooms, under the Santa Monica Pier and at a bank. Okay, at least twice at a bank. Okay, I have cried 4 times in a bank.
“Wow,” you must be saying to yourself. “This lady really needs to get a handle on her emotions.”
This is where you’re wrong. The problem is that I have too much of a handle on my emotions. I’m so in tune with my soul that my body releases any form of emotion — happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, too many burritos — in the form of liquid with a high saline content rolling down my face.
Here’s a few tips and tricks on how to cry like an expert, straight from the brain of the chick who once cried during her first viewing of 2001: A Space Odyssey when she realized she would never get to go to outer space.
Are you at a party or other social event? Did you have two glasses of wine and then someone brought up their dog, who was the same breed as your dead dog, and now you’re pretending to gaze thoughtfully into your Merlot as if you’re pondering whether or not it has an earthy undertone? But really you’re just trying to cover up the fact that you’re in the midst of remembering how you had to spoon feed your pup Gerber turkey baby food during the last days of her life and she still wagged her tail every time you said her name?
Okay, so maybe the last few parts don’t apply to you, but try and tell me you’ve never had to cry at a social event only to blink back those tears because you were afraid of messing up your eye make up. Actually, don’t tell me. Unless you’re agreeing with me.
- Get up, dudes! Get up and go to the bathroom! The bathroom is made for toilet stuff, shower stuff and crying.
- Gaze deep into your own eyes in the mirror. Take note of the thick layer of liquid threatening to spill over the edge of your lower lid.
- Fix your lip gloss, because you might as well be pretty if you’re going to be crying.
- Tear four (4) squares of toilet paper from the roll and fold them over each other until it is one slightly thicker square. If you’re in the house of a rich person who insists on wiping their butthole with the toilet paper equivalent of Angel wings and Papillion ear fur, feel free to only take two (2) squares of toilet paper. (Note: You MUST fold your toilet paper, do not crumple! We’re crying, people, and we need to make it elegant as possible. We’re not animals.)
- Tip your face forward and look down. Allow the emotions to run through your veins like sad salmon swimming up their sad stream to sadly spawn and then inevitably, and sadly, DIE.
- Let the tears fall straight down onto the bed of tissue paper you have held under your face. It might take a tear or two before you find the exact angle, but I promise it is possible to silently sob in your friend’s bathroom for 10 minutes straight because you feel guilty about being part of the world overpopulation problem without ruining your eyeliner. Not that I know from experience or anything. Except I do. And it’s happened twice.
- Make sure you’re in the bathroom for no longer than 10 minutes total. This is essential. If you’re in the bathroom for longer than 10 minutes, someone is going to think you have diarrhea. They might not profess this thought to anyone else in the room, but they’re definitely silently wondering about your digestive track. No one wants that. It might make you cry.