How To Be Your Own Perfect LoverAlice Grist
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When you love yourself, you are the perfect lover, you are easy to love, you are happy, you are a joy to know, and you feel joy whether you are in a relationship or not! Being your own perfect lover allows you to free up a whole lot of head space (usually taken up by anxiety) to be a great friend, a wonderful mom, a caring sister and yeah, a perfect lover – ohhh la la!

When you are enough for yourself, then anyone else is a bonus. When you love yourself, you can enjoy the company of a lover without a billion doubts plaguing your mind, causing anxiety and leading to soap opera style relationship drama. Whilst you may love your soap operas, perfect love is not to be found in them. Their example is bleak. Real life perfect love is quieter than that, it is subtler; it is viable only when you can close the door and feel happy in your own skin.

Forget the media’s vision of writhing bodies, red roses and proposals atop the Eiffel Tower. It’s not real, it can’t be sustained. Perfect love is warts and all. It is cheap Chinese takeout, rows about directions, bickering over dinner and cuddles to make up. Perfect love is knowing yourself and choosing a partner based on that knowledge. Perfect love is not sex or appearance or coolness or beaches in Barbados. Perfect love is not frolicking in oceans. Perfect love will not be found because you own a certain item or wear a particular perfume.

Perfect love is real love, and real love knows itself first, real love involves work, real love cannot be substituted for sex, romance or fancy dinners. Real love thrives on imperfections, it laughs at smelly farts, it goes on even after your first fall out, your third argument and your fiftieth bickering about the domestics.

Love can be a challenging task, a fun one, but also a mission of endurance, patience and forgiveness. Only after all those things have been implemented can love become something close to perfect. If you wish to get involved with another human being, I suggest you get yourself ready for the journey! Spend some time alone, because perfect love starts with you. Enjoy your own company, laugh at your own jokes, practice self love in whatever format you find appropriate. Spend time treating yourself to whatever you want to be treated to, make yourself happy. You are a special little soul machine and it is important that you keep yourself blissed out before you can turn that bliss onto any other person. Love yourself. Lap up your own attention, get to know yourself, fall in love with your special self. Go on, do it now, wrap yourself up in your own arms and have a great big one-person hug. Kiss your hands and smile. This way, and only this way, perfect love may just lie…

Image courtesy of ShutterStock

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  1. Alice, it was wonderful of you to write this post. On another note, how do you feel about women dating “assholes” over “nice guys”? Would you judge them and tell them they should find someone who’s right for them or would you back off and let them be?

    • Hi Rachel, interesting Q! I think we all have our path and we gotta live it. Sometimes dating an asshole is part of that. I would hope that in doing this the gal in question eventually learns enough about herself to find a way out of the cycle and make herself happy… But of course that’s not always the case. And everyone has to make their own mistakes, in their own time. So I guess I would always let people be.
      On a related note… my bestest friend just got married to her perfect guy. I don’t use the term ‘perfect guy’ lightly. She dated assholes on and off for years following a divorce. Somewhere along the way she dumped the assholes, found herself first and then just when she was happy on her own, she found the guy of her dreams and married him two days ago. It’s cheesy, and it’s cliche, but it’s true. So we can be our own perfect lover… but it may take a few ‘frogs’ to drive us to it first!

      • I get what you’re saying right now! I was friends with some assholes, but I then realized I shouldn’t be dating one. I don’t appreciate guys who constantly draw the line when they joke around about certain things I choose not to laugh at. And I don’t even like how some guys I encounter wanted me to change my weird self for their own interest. Apparently, they can’t handle weirdos who are weird in a good way just because they think ALL weirdos are horrible to society.

        Nowadays, I look for a guy who hands down treats me like I should be treated- with kindness, acceptance, honesty, and love of course. However, I plan on not dating right now because I’m in my last semester of junior college while I’ll be transferring to a university in Los Angeles (and no, it’s not UCLA. It’s California State Unversity Northridge) in the Fall semester. Thus, I hold school as a top priority and I plan not to date until I’m done with school. It may be a Filipino thing to date before you marry, but I’m not alone in doing this.

        Oh, and I was watching an episode of the show Adventure Time where the character Marshall Lee (played by Donald Glover himself) was being an unintentionak jerk to Fionna. I then asked myself why would someone like Fionna fall for an “asshole” like Marshall Lee and later on, I decided to ask you the question in my earlier post after I read your article. Anyway, I’d like to thank you for your response. Perhaps girls like Fionna are finding themselves after all by dating assholes or not.

        • You sound like you have your head screwed on right! Good for you. And the right guy or future guys for you will never judge you as ‘weird’, not even in a good way. Because when you meet a guy decent enough to be worth you he won’t find you in the least unusual, he will find you fascinating, intriguing, amazing, interesting, intelligent, unique! Remember that. Good luck to you with your schoolings and your future life!

  2. This is a very nice post. Sometimes we forget the meaning of love, we always look for perfection when none of us are. I think I’ve really learned to love myself but as a Virgo that I am, I always wished my guy would be more this and that (perfect) but at the back of my head I know he’s already perfect for me. Thanks for this! <3

  3. I love this post! So very true. 2013 is the year to love myself… Whatever happens after will be a bonus! Learning to love myself.