How To Be Your Own Perfect LoverAlice Grist

Love is perfect. Human beings are not. You are human, so immediately we have problems! No matter how soulful you may become in this lifetime, you are utterly prone to humanity’s weaknesses.

As far as our media-obsessed society is concerned, relationships fall into one of two categories: the sublime (desert island, sand, beautiful people) and the crazy (drunk, staggering, fights, drug addiction). We are very confused. We have no real say in what constitutes a perfect relationship for us, because we are focused on what makes a perfect relationship for that writhing couple on the billboard we pass twice a day. As a result, many of us chop and change partners, desperately seeking the right person for us, whilst not really recognizing that we are not yet the right person ourselves.

The sexual revolution was a great thing, but in so many respects it has knocked our love-o-meters right off track. We are often found thinking with our genitalia, and so our chances of finding a ‘perfect’ love are diminished considerably. The view of love we are sold is very much a sexual one. Just as our diet drinks are sexy, and our cars are sexy, everything has to be sexy. It is ridiculous. If things are not sexy, we reject them. The same goes for handbags, shoes, lipstick and yes… love. Gosh I’m going to sound old fashioned, but whatever happened to friendship, partnership and companionship? Yes, sex is important, too. Of course it is. But it is not the only thing we should be looking at. Tolerance, forgiveness, awareness of another person’s innate humanity and their flaws is an equally good place to start, though what we are willing to tolerate and forgive rests rather importantly on how much we love ourselves.

A perfect lover is a rather mythical beast. It is the stuff of fairy tales alone. I believe that love should be a little bit difficult. Realistically speaking, life is difficult, so why would we expect a lover to save us from that? Cushion the blows, yes, maybe… But love should not always be roses, romance and complete unquestioning adoration. That way, a stalking obsession lies! I do not believe that anything in life is supposed to be perfect, seamless and fault-free. That is simply not the way of this human world. Relationships and love are supposed to get our blood pumping in more ways than just the one!

As little sparks of soul, we are here to learn from each other and give to each other, not always through our perfections, but also through our faults. Relationships of all sorts are building blocks upon which to cement our understanding of the world. Our soulful know-how of the world is empowered by our interactions with others. So please, let’s put down the stereotypes of how a perfect relationship looks, and instead focus on how to feel a perfect love.

A perfect love is one without conditions. It is a love that is powerful, strong and true. No. Matter. What. That might seem beyond you. But it is not. You can love someone in spite of cruelties they inflict on you, even if that means leaving them. You can love someone and forgive them and walk away at the same time, if need be. You might also love someone and take on board his or her faults, and between you, slowly, over time, sort them out. Love is a perfect thing, people are imperfect. That is important to recognize. The best place to practice this perfect love thang is by practicing on ourselves.

So whether you are single or in a relationship, you can begin to experience perfect love by first acknowledging that you are imperfect, as are all other people. Then you just gotta love yourself despite this shocking revelation. Once you learn to love yourself for everything that you are (good and bad), then you are going to feel much more at home in your own life. When you know what you want out of life, you are less likely to follow the wrong path and trip up over a dozen inappropriate love interests. Love, when applied to yourself, unconditionally, can transform your life and provide a great little starting platform for finding another half or improving on an existing relationship.

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  1. Alice, it was wonderful of you to write this post. On another note, how do you feel about women dating “assholes” over “nice guys”? Would you judge them and tell them they should find someone who’s right for them or would you back off and let them be?

    • Hi Rachel, interesting Q! I think we all have our path and we gotta live it. Sometimes dating an asshole is part of that. I would hope that in doing this the gal in question eventually learns enough about herself to find a way out of the cycle and make herself happy… But of course that’s not always the case. And everyone has to make their own mistakes, in their own time. So I guess I would always let people be.
      On a related note… my bestest friend just got married to her perfect guy. I don’t use the term ‘perfect guy’ lightly. She dated assholes on and off for years following a divorce. Somewhere along the way she dumped the assholes, found herself first and then just when she was happy on her own, she found the guy of her dreams and married him two days ago. It’s cheesy, and it’s cliche, but it’s true. So we can be our own perfect lover… but it may take a few ‘frogs’ to drive us to it first!

      • I get what you’re saying right now! I was friends with some assholes, but I then realized I shouldn’t be dating one. I don’t appreciate guys who constantly draw the line when they joke around about certain things I choose not to laugh at. And I don’t even like how some guys I encounter wanted me to change my weird self for their own interest. Apparently, they can’t handle weirdos who are weird in a good way just because they think ALL weirdos are horrible to society.

        Nowadays, I look for a guy who hands down treats me like I should be treated- with kindness, acceptance, honesty, and love of course. However, I plan on not dating right now because I’m in my last semester of junior college while I’ll be transferring to a university in Los Angeles (and no, it’s not UCLA. It’s California State Unversity Northridge) in the Fall semester. Thus, I hold school as a top priority and I plan not to date until I’m done with school. It may be a Filipino thing to date before you marry, but I’m not alone in doing this.

        Oh, and I was watching an episode of the show Adventure Time where the character Marshall Lee (played by Donald Glover himself) was being an unintentionak jerk to Fionna. I then asked myself why would someone like Fionna fall for an “asshole” like Marshall Lee and later on, I decided to ask you the question in my earlier post after I read your article. Anyway, I’d like to thank you for your response. Perhaps girls like Fionna are finding themselves after all by dating assholes or not.

        • You sound like you have your head screwed on right! Good for you. And the right guy or future guys for you will never judge you as ‘weird’, not even in a good way. Because when you meet a guy decent enough to be worth you he won’t find you in the least unusual, he will find you fascinating, intriguing, amazing, interesting, intelligent, unique! Remember that. Good luck to you with your schoolings and your future life!

  2. This is a very nice post. Sometimes we forget the meaning of love, we always look for perfection when none of us are. I think I’ve really learned to love myself but as a Virgo that I am, I always wished my guy would be more this and that (perfect) but at the back of my head I know he’s already perfect for me. Thanks for this! <3

  3. I love this post! So very true. 2013 is the year to love myself… Whatever happens after will be a bonus! Learning to love myself.