Prom. The ultimate public test of whether a girl can walk in sky-high heels and whether a guy can control his farts long enough to slow dance with said girl. And when I was asked to chaperone prom last week, I couldn’t help but take the long walk down memory lane.

It hasn’t quite been a full decade since my own prom (which I attended dateless with my best girlfriends and without shame), but things have changed a lot. First of all, holy crap! What are these people wearing.  The girls were like a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. However, I guess if you don’t look back at your prom dress with a little “What the hell was I thinking?” then you’re just not living. I have never loved Michelle Obama more than when I saw her high school prom picture. And apparently there needs to be a new mother-daughter talk started called “How To Choose Appropriate Undergarments For A Tight Fitting Dress.” I mean, is Undergarments 101 not an elective class yet? Let’s get that petition going cause hunny, dem panty lines are not gonna get you to the front of the slow dance line and we can all tell you are wearing 3 bras. Spanx are your friend.

Speaking of dancing, am I the only one who thinks shuffling looks like someone doing the Running Man with cement knees? I mean, I like the way it looks and all 10 times they tried to teach me, I failed. So it obviously takes some skill, but it is the illegitimate child of the Running Man. You just can’t deny it.

So now that I am a professional chaperone, here are my tips on being an amazing prom chaperone should you ever be honored with the chance:

• Bring a cardboard cutout to dance with. You definitely don’t want to dance with the kids, because you’ll go to jail and also because their whole body smells like hormonal bad breath.
• Bring an emergency kit for teens in distress. Things like bobby pins, deodorant, mints, eyelash glue, Tums and boob tape and access to urban dictionary will come in handy.
• Learn all of the popular dance moves. You need to dougie, shuffle, dance magic dance, and cat daddy. (Fun game: one of those was made up.) When you start to see that bump’n'grind get a little too bumpy or grindy, go stand next to the couple, look them in the eye and bust a move. They will stop, trust me.
• Dating in public is already weird. For a teen it’s even weirder. It is your job, as chaperone, to make it the most awkward night of their life. If it goes too smoothly, they will get pregnant and not go to college and it will be all your fault. No pressure.
• Request Beyonce’s ‘Love On Top’, head the the center of the dance floor, and show ‘em how it’s done.
• Do not participate in line dancing or the “Cha Cha Slide.” The kids do NOT know their rights and left they will pierce the webbing of your toes with their spiked heels. Trust me.
• Get creative with your compliments. You will get bored telling all the girls they look beautiful and all the guys they look handsome. How about, “Whoa, girl! That dress makes you look so wise!” Or, “Dude, that pocket square makes your brain look giant.” I mean, I feel like everyone wishes their brain was the topic of more conversations. It’ll work. Trust me.

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