Dissecting the Modern American Male

How to Ask Him What He Wants

A regular reader of this series asked me an interesting question recently:  How do I ask a guy what he wants from me without actually asking him what he wants?

This is an interesting question.  On one hand, she wants to know if her budding relationship has potential to become something more serious.  But on the other hand, she fears asking him the question because it may cause him to panic and quash their future.

My guess is that many of you loyal readers have been (or will be) in a similar situation.  You are just starting to get to know a guy, you’ve been out a few times, you get along well and you are wondering what his intentions are.  But you are also hesitant to ask him because the nature of the question may cause him to retract.

Here is my advice:  You don’t ask at all.  The question is irrelevant.

This is why:  If the relationship is moving in a positive direction, you should be able to sense it without having to question.  They key word is progress.  Your conversations become more meaningful, he will share with you deeper insights about his life, maybe he invites you to meet his sister when she comes to visit.  These examples, and plenty more, are indications of increasing closeness.  They are indications of progress.  So effectively, the guy has answered your question without you having to ask it.  It may not be as fast or as slow as you would like, but his actions are indicative of a general trend.

But what if you aren’t experiencing progress?  Should you then ask him what he wants?

Nope.  The question is still irrelevant.  If after a good period of time you haven’t become closer, then odds are strong he doesn’t want to become any closer.  If, let’s say after four months, your conversations are still trite, he has never given you any indication about his views or opinions or emotions, you haven’t seen each other during daylight hours and generally you feel like he doesn’t know you any better than on your first date, then maybe it is time to reconsider.  He may be a wonderful guy and you have a great time, but his actions indicate that he doesn’t want progress and he is happy with the casual status quo.  Again, he has effectively answered the question for you with his actions, and it is up to you to decide what to do with this information and how to respond.

You can always go ahead and ask him anyhow, you have every right to know where you stand and to articulate your expectations.  I’m just saying that actions speak louder than words.


(Shout out to K.Y. in California for bringing up this topic.  If there is anything you would like to read about in this series, email the HG team)

Image via Drenda.com


  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507586509 Amanda Segur

    Amazing! “I’m just saying that actions speak louder than words.” I think a lot of people forget this, great reminder!

  • http://www.facebook.com/tiny.bulilit Ly Cajigal

    I am the type of person who makes a big deal of what a guy says or does. After reading this it really helped me in knowing if the guy really has intentions in becoming closer to me. Thank you for this!

  • http://www.facebook.com/Dexykat Kat Chong

    I think that this is a great article and very true, but you still want to make sure you do talk about things your feeling and don’t avoid talking about them at all. You shouldn’t have to ask what a guy wants, but some guys are also slightly oblivious and need to be asked some things. Talk about what your feeling in a casual light hearted way, don’t make it serious be fun, and just be yourself, you’ll know very quickly if hes feeling the same as you are!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=606288697 Martha Raney Taylor

    He’s just not that into you. hello.

  • http://www.facebook.com/laurakrause Laura Krause

    I had spent 3 months building towards what I thought was the most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had, and I always felt loved by him so I never felt the need to bring it up. Eventually my curiosity peaked and I asked, just to make sure we were on the same page. He actually said he had been seeing other people and hoped I had as well…. And after a month of being manipulated to think I too wanted an open relationship I came to the devastating realization that he was in fact a sociopath. Ladies, don’t always assume because he makes you feel great, discusses EVERYTHING openly, spends nearly all his time with you, that you are both in fact headed in the same direction!! I know not everyone is a narcissist or psychopath, but enough exist that you should all be aware to some extent and not be afraid to ask where things are going after a few months!

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