How to Annoy Boys Into Loving YouAshley Perez

When Harry Met Sally

It’s FALLLLL, and you know what that means… oh yeah, baby, it’s ROM-COM time. Bring it on, I want it all: Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Pride & Prejudice, The Wedding Planner, Two Weeks Notice, Notting Hill, 500 Days of Summer, When Harry Met Sally… and the list goes on and on and on, culminating at Christmas time with The Holiday and, of course, Love, Actually.

I don’t know what it is about the fall that drives my lady hormones absolutely bonkers. Perhaps it’s all the soft fabrics and beautiful leaf colors (or maybe it’s not), but either way, fall is when my hope for humanity (and scarves) is renewed. I do crazy things like spend whole half hours (okay, many many hours) watching random wedding videos online, crying like a baby and sappily writing in my journal with a hot cup of coffee in hand, literally doodling about my future. As Will Ferrell would say in Elf, “I’M IN LOVE, I’M IN LOVE AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!” Not that I’m in love with anyone in particular, rather I’m just in love with love itself. Oh fall, you devilish season.

Anyhoosy, the real revelation that is bringing on this already quirky blog post is a direct consequence of watching so many rom-coms in a row. I had my very own A Beautiful Mind moment where the room started spinning and numbers and equations started appearing out of nowhere. I was living through my own movie montage and here was the epiphany: the reason I am not dating anyone is because to my knowledge, I don’t annoy anyone enough for them to hate me now and love me later.

This is the key ingredient to roughly 90% of the rom-coms I watch. Before they fall in love, THEY ABSOLUTELY HATE EACH OTHER. Ugh, I knew this would happen to me – all those years of being nice, when I should have been annoying boys so they would love/hate me, only later to realize I am the woman of their dreams. Much like J.Lo and Matthew McHottiehey in the most classic (and underrated) rom-com of all time, The Wedding Planner.

So here is my list of how to annoy boys/get them to fall head over heels in love with you.

  1. Patronize them: Treat them like they’re silly little children and don’t know anything. Say things to them like: “My third graders know that…” This will inevitably annoy the crap out of them and bring you one step closer to a lifetime of bliss and babies.
  2. Criticize/insult them: Pull a Lizzie and tell your very own Mr. Darcy that “you are the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry”. I mean, BAM, it’s over. NOW HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU. You just used prevailed upon in a sentence; he doesn’t stand a chance.
  3. Call/text/email them a lot: Hello, have you seen You’ve Got Mail/ How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days? These women are relentless and what do they have to show for it? Relentless love.
  4. Be really self-righteous: Act really offended by everything he says/does, as if each moment warrants a “HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT IN FRONT OF ME, LADY/SIR?!” type of reaction. This is guaranteed chemistry, people.

Oh boy, I hope this helped you as much as it’s helped me. If only we had known all along that the only way to snag a man was to annoy the crap out of him first… and here I was being nice to these guys. Well, move over, because it’s no more Ms. Nice Ashley.

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  1. This is brilliant, just brilliant! Especially love this: “Patronize them: Treat them like they’re silly little children and don’t know anything. Say things to them like: “My third graders know that…” This will inevitably annoy the crap out of them and bring you one step closer to a lifetime of bliss and babies.”

  2. this was funny! thanks for the laugh! i, too, looooooooove rom-coms!!

  3. Thankyou.

    I hope the same works on women. My approach is a bit different though. I like to tell the truth about myself.
    Gooing as far as being a mom or a dad to someone you hope to be dating is just creepy.

  4. This was so funny!!!

    It also goes to show that “real life” stuff doesn’t make very entertaining movies. You need to add in all the drama and other comedic ridiculousness.

  5. I’m a guy, and the BEST Rom-Coms ever are in this order- 1. Mannequin 2. Fever Pitch 3. Crazy Stupid Love (which impressed me immensely)

  6. I’ve seen it all. I have seen so many of the methods women use to trap and attach that ball around your leg. The only problem with the annoy him method, is between, just pissing you off to no-end, to annoying, insulting, yelling IS between all that they drop character for that split second and look at you all dreamy-eyed ha.

  7. Oh my gosh….I would recommend the OPPOSITE!! 1. Be RIGOROUSLY honest. 2. Never insult them (see YOUR part in things)…and if you must criticize, be kind and offer alternatives. 3. Don’t text/email…CALL them. 4. Be humble, accepting, and tolerant. If you ladies are looking for a real, long-lasting relationship, don’t start with a bunch of lame games. You want a guy to love you for who you are, not for how you “acted” in the beginning. And make sure he’s the guy for you and you aren’t just desperate for intimacy. Oh, hormones.

    • Rachel, I absolutely agree with you. But I hope you know I wrote this piece as a joke based on what I see in rom-coms that would never ever work in real life.

      Ashley Perez | 10/28/2012 02:10 pm
  8. is your website title a reference to an A.E. Housman poem? if so, bam! that’s awesome.

  9. Haha the reverse psychology is very true! But I’ve found that too much of it actually scares the boys off. Off you.

  10. omg this is so great! im sharing it with everyone. i feel exactly the same way about fall, and that elf quote is perfect.

  11. I was going to say you’re a Hannah!

  12. You know, Ashley, I’m not quite sure if you’re being sarcastic or not, because some of the tips mentioned are quite outrageous but I think they might actually work, I don’t know. I mean, reverse phsycology works. And men are now known for their complex thinking process, it should be easy to ‘manipulate’ them and trick them into falling for you. Especially if you tell them not to. But it’s not like I’ve never really managed to do that, so in the end, what do I know :D

  13. This post makes me giggle! Very nice!
    Also, I love your bio, “Ashley, like many other 20-somethings, is trying to figure out how to be a classy, sassy woman of character in a 21st century society.” Well said!!

    • Thanks for reading and giggling Tiffany! Glad you like the bio.

      Ashley Perez | 10/26/2012 07:10 pm