How I Would Win The Hunger Games

I think I could win the Hunger Games.

Now, before you protest by saying, “Meghan, you barely finished that two mile jog yesterday!” or “Meghan, you have no discernable combat skills!” or “Meghan, you respond to stress by rolling into a ball and hiding under a desk!”,  hear me out. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I have one weapon in my arsenal that no one in the world of The Hunger Games can resist: Razzle Dazzle.

If there’s one thing that defines the culture of Panem—besides being a dystopian society that enjoys watching children kill children—it’s that they adore Razzle Dazzle.

Think about Effie and Cinna and that outfit that catches on fire. That is all Razzle Dazzle.  Think about Caesar Flickerman’s blue hair and Peeta’s frosting flowers and Katniss’s entire story. It’s Razzle Dazzle.  It’s not just a question of style, but an issue of frothy entertainment. Panem is obsessed with Razzle Dazzle, and after years of improv classes and one college course in Morris Dancing, Razzle Dazzle is about the only weapon I have at my disposal.

So imagine little old me in the Cornucopia. I understand that most of you are probably expecting that I’m going to die. An axe will be hurled at my head while I’m distracted by a butterfly. The thing about that exact situation is that as soon as I see that butterfly, I will drop to the ground. Its cuteness will inspire me to enact an interpretive dance as a caterpillar. The folks watching the Hunger Games at home in their respective districts will get modern art from me, and the Tribute from District 5 who was trying to stab me from behind will get the axe in the head. It’s win-win for me and Razzle Dazzle for all.

Now, once I survive the Cornucopia, I’m going to go rogue in the woods. I will narrate every step of my journey with witty asides. For example, when I come across some berries in the woods, I’ll say, “I’m so hungry I could eat these poison berries,” but then I won’t. I’ll wink at the camera and soon all of Panem will turn my wink into a gif. People love gifs because people love Razzle Dazzle. I’ll get sponsors to send me actual berries and then when I eat them, I’ll wink again. More gifs! More Razzle Dazzle!

Now, not to give spoilers, but SPOILERS AHEAD!

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Now, let’s say I was a tribute in the same Hunger Games as Katniss. I would have my work cut out for me. One of the primary reasons The Hunger Games ends the way it does isn’t just because Katniss is a badass. It’s also because Katniss and Peeta combined have Razzle Dazzle. I would need to combat that. No amount of gif-worthy faces or one liners about how the two of them should just “get a cave already” could overcome their sparks.

My only way out would be to challenge them to a robot dance-dance off.

Oh, you’ve never heard of one of those? That’s because before me, they didn’t exist.

Basically, I do the robot dance better than anyone else in the world (excluding Daft Punk, because they are not of this world). I developed this skill over years and years of trying to do anything I could except work. If faced with an opponent in a robot dance-dance off, I would undoubtedly win. If I won a robot dance-dance off against Katniss and Peeta, then I would win the Hunger Games. All thanks to my Razzle Dazzle!

Okay, I would totally lose and die within ten minutes of being in the Hunger Games. At best though, I could guarantee an exciting death, full of drama and excitement, style and panache.

That said, it’s probably for the best that Katniss Everdeen goes to the Hunger Games, and not me. She has nerves of steel, an eye for archery and the most Razzle Dazzle any girl on fire has ever had.

Featured image via USweekly.com, credit Lionsgate

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