How Am I the Dad?
by Shane Nickerson
My daughter Lucy turned eight this week. It’s surprising, because there’s no way I have an 8-year-old. I’m still 20. I still spend extra time on my hair if I go out somewhere. I still care whether my jeans look okay with those shoes. I worry (even though I’ve been happily married since the ’90s) about how I’m going to talk to girls without being a dolt. I still try to cover bedhead with a Red Sox hat. I sing stupid songs to myself about being stupid when no one is around. I make a mirror face every time I look in a mirror. I sneak bowls of Cocoa Puffs. I love gummy worms. I own mostly sneakers. I still miss my jean jacket from 9th grade (back when each pocket had a purpose). I still go to concerts hoping I might meet the band. I can’t dance. I’m nervous around other people’s parents. In my head, I’m always driving my 1975 Nova (no matter which car I’m actually driving). I’m bad at small talk. I make bad fashion choices. I’ll never feel cool. I love Frisbee. I splash puddles. I kick leaves. Farts still make me laugh. I’m 40.
Wow. It stings when I say it out loud. “I’m 40.” I suppose that beautiful 8-year-old daughter IS mine, along with the handsome boy who turns four in a week, and the feisty baby girl who just turned one in September. At some point during the flash of time between high school and now, I seem to have turned into a 40-year-old man with a wife, a career, a dog and three children. Most of the time, I feel like I’m playing someone else’s part in a life I’m still getting used to wearing.
We had a bowling party for Lucy at a Deli/Bowling Alley, and I watched her dance and laugh and bowl with her pack of little friends. I tried to determine what her social status is within the group. Is she the leader? Is she the funny, charming one? Is she the shy one? The smart one? The moody one? It was hard to tell in the party bowling lighting. She seemed to be having fun, which I suppose is the most important thing. I walked over to the arcade section of the Deli/Bowling Alley/Arcade(?).
As I played one of those impossible “win this prize!” games for a dangling outdated iPod I don’t want or need, I started to wonder: When will I start to embarrass her? When will she stop wanting to watch innocent cartoons like Max and Ruby or Bubble Guppies? Is she watching iCarly for the kissing? Does she really hate some kid named JD at school as much as she says she does, or does that actually mean she really likes some kid named JD? Guys, I’m having a hard time with all of it. Plus, I lost at least nine bucks on the impossible iPod game.
Pizza, juice boxes, cake. Balloons, party favors, goodbyes. Parents all getting back to the task of raising their children after a brief reprieve at the bowling alley. A knowing look between us all that the grind continues. Bedtimes and a ticking clock keep us all moving. Every moment is fleeting. We’ll see each other at the next one, probably some jumpy castle and a magician or a pool or a face painting pumpkin carving Christmas egg hunt thing. They all blend together. Checkpoints in our careers as parents.
I can’t be the father of an 8-year-old girl. I’m 16, playing Pac-Man at the bowling alley in Londonderry, NH. I’m 15 in the middle of a “couples skate” at Spinning Wheels roller rink. I’m 14 playing Jumpman on my next door neighbor’s Commodore 128. I still buy Hot Wheels at the supermarket. I still don’t understand girls. I’m not a good dancer. I buy too many jackets. I don’t have any of the answers a dad should have.
Maybe none of us do.
We walked out to the car, another milestone behind us.
“Did you have fun, 8-year-old Lucy?”
“I had fun, oldest Daddy in the world.”
I wanted to tell her I’m not that old; that I still like ice cream cones and funny movies; that I understand how hard it is to be a kid; that I’m not really sure what I’m doing a lot of the time…
…but I didn’t. I laughed and hugged her. Then we packed up the car with our things and my wife and I buckled everyone in, closed all the doors in the minivan (’75 nova) and drove out of the parking lot towards the next moment in time.
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10.27.2011 |
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Well said! I’m not a 36 yr old mother of 3, I’m 19 blasting the Reality Bites soundtrack and singing every lyric of “Stay” by Lisa Loeb as loudly as I can.
Loved this and feel exactly the same way. I still feel like I’m 17 but am a mom of two (very cute) redheads that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I would never wear mom jeans, give up dive bars, or stop listening to loud music.
I could have written this. I’m 57 and I still like to crank up the B-52′s in the car! Right around when your daughter turns 12, you’ll start getting the rolling eyes, the exasperated sighs and the occasional dirty look. But it will only last about 10 years, and then you’ll become smart again. And then you’ll begin a new adult relationship with your amazing grown-up daughter… And you’ll wonder how she ever turned out so well!
My daughter is 15, almost 16..does not roll eyes, talks about friends, what she’s up to, who she likes, does not like, why…I guess if I have a point here at all, it is you can avoid that 10 years just by creating an atmosphere where she feels comfortable sharing because since she was little you always cared, listened, shared, and were most importantly of all, THERE for her when she needed her Dad. Too many friends trade that last point for money, career, personal goals, and forget first and foremost, their most important “job” in the world is being her Dad.
I’m 25. I mean 55 and I also didn’t have that awkward 10 years because of the relationship we had with our twin girls who are now almost 29. Yes, they are older than me. All their friends were as comfortable with us as they were with the girls themselves. There were no secrets or bad behaviour because we trusted and were trusted. We still have an awesome relationship and now we get to have that relationship with our grandchildren too.
I refuse to wear grandmother clothes or listen to grandmother music. My favourite artist is Eminem among others that people my real age shouldn’t listen to and I don’t care what others in my age bracket say about it either. You’re not alone Shane and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. Be yourself with your wonderful family and enjoy them to the max.
I’m pushing 43, with the most amazing 21 year old daughter, but I feel like I fluked my way through raising her, really. I keep expecting the Adult Police to come along and bust me one day for only pretending to be an adult. As always, Shane has put perfectly into words what so many parents feel.
This was so well said. Hauntingly so almost, as I feel like I just woke up 10 years from now and my own husband wrote this, you describe yourself so similarly. I am pretty sure you are not alone in being shocked at your age and life, I think we all think we’ll grow up and feel grown up, but it doesn’t actually happen. When I look at my wedding pictures, or our sons ultrasound picture, all I can think is – but aren’t I still 16? I often feel like one day the charade will be up, and people will realize I am not really a grown up; but then I find myself in bed before 10 and I realize I sort of am.
My sentiments exactly! I look at my 2 girls (almost 12 and almost 2!) and wonder when I became the grown-up and responsible to 2 other people!
This is so very well written, I’m not the 31 year old mother of a kindergartner. I’m still 17 and trying to choose which CD to play in the car on the way to school. I’m still wondering how I’m going to pass this test next week…. I sometimes find myself wishing I’ll wake up and be back there, and then my sweet daughter comes in to play the role of alarm clock and I can’t imagine trading her for anything.
So cute. Between my boyfriend and I (we have TWO 3 year olds and a 7 year old, YIKES!) And in “reality” we’re 27 and 26 but we still feel like we’re 13 and 14. I love your blogging!
Awww that was just an awsome article! I am still 18! I have two boys in highschool, and they just think that iam the nerdiest thing ever! But they love it! I refuse to give into the word “age”. Yes I crank me some Cyndi Lauper and even Donny & Marie at times. I tell my boys sometimes, if you don’t get to the car after hanging out with friends for 15 minutes after school, I will do a drive by cranking my Donny & Marie and doing the CArlton in the car while honking my horn waiting for them! I just love the fact that Shane is the executive producer of Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory and Ridiculousness on MTV, which since we just got cable after about ten years, happen to be me and my sons favorite shows. Well, written Shane! And my sons would Love to meet Rob! They think he is the coolest ever! Awsome show!!!!!
So cute! More Dads like you in this planet please.
I don’t have kids, just a best friend with the cutest four-year-old blonde boy, and I worry about these things. My boyfriend and I worry about worrying about these things with our child one day. It’s nice to know we won’t be alone.
I love this and know EXACTLY how you feel. I can’t wait to tell my husband, “sit down and read this because it’s important for you to know that you are not the only one out there feeling like you do.” I am 32 with a 1 year old son. My first. My husband is about to be 28 next month, and the adjustments that have had to be made and are still being made are some of the hardest ones life has thrown our way.
I think about when I was 20 running around going to all the Raves in L.A. I think back to a few years ago when I was driving from place to place around the country going to concert after concert, the big allure being knowing the band and hanging out afterward. I am once again a Freshman at a University, as I decided to go back to school not long ago, and I still worry about my outfit, my makeup, and my shoes.
Aww…that bowling alley in Londonderry, I remember it well. I don’t have kids yet, but there are all sorts of milestones and benchmarks that hit us to remind us of how much time has passed.
Or as I like to think of it, how much life we’ve lived.
Congrats on yours and your family’s!
Thanks Shane, as a father who just turned 27 for the 12 year in a row (my dad has been 28 for 30+ years), this really makes a lot of sense.
I just had my 3rd child. A baby girl. I have a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old boy at home as well. And I just turned 28 on Monday. This was a great post!
Amen brother. Just turned 39, have an about to be 7year old girl, dyer old girl and 2 year old girl. Been having exactly the same thoughts lately and wondering when that time comes when I am content and ready to just watch.
49, three girls, 9, 5, and almost 1 … and I don’t really care about a lot of that stuff you mentioned; but then, I never did. I’m still in touch with 15- and 25- year-old me, though, and the stuff I did care about, but it’s possible that sometime in your 40s it will start to … recede a bit. I think that’s what’s happening to me. Or it could be that I just live in the now! So many people say “your kids will grow up so quickly”, but I say “I’m with them every step of the way – and I’m paying attention. I’m not letting it slip by me.”
About six mnths ago, while in the middle of a Marathon “Buffy” TV session, I had this “Oh My God” moment, ‘I will never be in high School again, I’m 35 years old and I have a son whose a couple years from being a teenager, a marriage of over a decade, and .. stuff! Holy $#it!! But I’m still the teenager who watches Buffy, plays video games, and goofs off with my friends (who are also, all thirty-somethigns who feel like teenagers most of the time). Holy Hell, the world is about to be in Our hands…? I am somewhere between “Yes, finally!” and “Oh god, not yet!”
Wow, that brought a tear to my eye. I have a 2 year old daughter and when she calls me “daddy”, I keep looking around for my father. I suppose at some point, perhaps when she’s graduating college, it will finally sink in that I’m not 21 anymore. There is one thing that smacks me into reality — when I pick her up, and I catch a glimpse of the liver (age) spot on the back of my hand, and in my head I go “Wow, I really am 45 with a 2 year old kid and a wife and a dog and a mortgage…when in the heck did I become a grown-up?”
Your posts are seriously in my top favorites.
I may not be a father yet, but I have watched my niece go from my little drooling, bouncing “goober” to an almost 7 year old angel, and my nephew shoot up from nothing to almost 5. It’s amazing how time flies!
nice. I feel the same way, except I’m older (49), my boys and their friends are embarrassed by me (often), farts TOTALLY still make me laugh, I still have my Levi’s black jean jacket with pockets that work, and it won’t ‘effin fall apart, like anything else you buy that’s denim these days. That’s why I still mostly buy Levi’s (the classic 100+ year old proven, well-engineered models). I am told, though, that Levi’s aren’t cool. go figure..
Shane, I love your writing! Thanks for sharing your perspective. We don’t have kids yet, but when we do I can imagine we will completely relate. Look forward to reading more of your articles.
I’ll be 40 in two weeks and I have trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that I’m the mom sometimes too. My son is eight, my wardrobe is almost entirely jeans and t-shirts, and I still miss my old Geo Metro, Lil Honkey. I don’t know how to ask a guy out without blushing, and bars and alcohol are for grownups, not me. I play in a weekly table-top gaming group, and I still get pimples. That’s not what 40-year-olds are like.
Your writing is so touching and earnest. Thank You for being such a great representative of what it’s like to be a parent in the modern world.
Thank you all for the nice feedback. It makes me happy to know I’m not alone!
Shane, I’m 45 and I still geek out over video games, love Capt. America and am somehow a Dad. Loved your blog.
I’m 45 as well, but I’m also the 15 yr who hates trolls and wants to break beer bottles in those type of people’s faces to teach them the proper way to behave in society. I’m also the one listening to The Robotch soundtrack and reading Ninja High School while RPG’ing Teenagers from outer space with my other (Older) brat pack. Im the guy that guzzles down Mello Yello while playing Quake and CoD and Unreal. We just don’t want to accept the facts at times that we’re well…..old.