Hot Topic (Not the Store)Hot Topic (Not the Store): Stories Inspired by Reader SuggestionsJackie Johnson

Hey friends! So this is how it works: Hello Giggles readers will give me a word (a noun, a topic, an idea, etc.) and I will share a silly story from my silly life inspired by that word.

FIRST WORD SUGGESTION: BEETLE

I was new to LA when I met a guy at “da club”. He was super tall and okay cute – my type. He was an assistant at a big talent agency and I was making my living as a “background artist” for TV and movies at the time, so I knew we could potentially be a Hollywood power couple.

When he picked me up for our first date, I was instantly alarmed when he pulled up in a VW Beetle. I think we can all agree that’s a GIRL CAR. But it’s hard to find a good man in this town and he actually called it out first (“My grandmother gifted it to me – I know it’s weird!”) so I went ahead with the date. Then we dated more and more and we had a nice time. It was never, like, serious, but I liked him for sure.

One night at dinner we were talking and reflecting on our day’s events. I think I was a party-goer for DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES all day so I told him all about pretending to be drunk for Teri Hatcher’s scene and he told me about a pitch meeting he got to sit in on with Sasha Baron Cohen (this was post-Borat but pre-Bruno). He was so psyched cause he got to do some pitches and they went well.

For some reason, we also got on the topic of dating in LA and I disclosed to him how crappy I found guys to generally be. I told him I hate when guys just stop calling. It’s a pretty small world and its really disrespectful and all you gotta do is call and be like “Hey, I’m not feeling it. No hard feelings. See ya round.” He agreed.

Anyway, we never went out again. In fact, he stopped calling me. At this point, we were talking/texting every day, so this was alarming. Finally, like almost a month later, I got a super weird, cocky call from him. It went something like this.

Hey, so I got hired to assist Sasha. Sorry I haven’t called – I’ve been really busy. And I remembered what you said about guys not calling so I wanted to call and tell you it’s over.”

Despite him handling it how I had suggested: Are you kidding me, much? I was SO insulted. Like, get over yourself. You dumped me cause you’re getting Borat’s coffee now? Ew.

Anyway, I wasn’t just gonna take that. I instead mustered up all my anger towards every guy that’s ever dumped me and decided to be childish and have a Carrie Underwood ‘Before He Cheats’ moment – I’m very embarrassed to share this but, girl, that’s what it’s all about.

My roomie at the time and I were moving, so we had no groceries and most of our stuff was boxed up. We also decided we didn’t wanna spend any money on this operation cause boy wasn’t worth a dime. So we managed to cook up the following items: a can of refried beans, a can of Coco Lopez pina colada mix and a giant jar of Cajun spice that my aunt made me take from her cabinet. She was always trying to get me to cook but I was too lazy to figure it out.

We creeped up way late at night to his apartment and of course his LAME GIRL CAR Beetle was parked on the street out front. I would drive by slowly and my friend would fling beans, Coco Lopez mix and cajun spices out at his car. We did this until everything was splattered on it, just like he splattered his lameness all over my LIFE.

Now, this was hysterical at the time. We laughed all the way home imagining him getting ready to work for Sasha and discovering the random hot mess all over his car. And what would he do: Would he take it to the car wash? Would he wipe it all off himself? Would he not have time to deal with it so he’d have to drive to work like that? What would Sasha say?

A day later, I realized that I’m an idiot and a jerk and I felt really ashamed of what I did. First, NEVER mess with people’s cars. That is NOT caution on any level. We all gotta work and a car is like, the one thing we need to survive. If someone messed with my car I would freak – it’s my livelihood.

Second, he TOTALLY knew it was me. Who else would be loony enough to do something that weird? So of course he told everyone he knows, including all of our mutual friends who then also thought I was loony from then on. Talk about burning bridges and all over some beans and Coco Lopez. Who knows? Maybe if I woulda stayed cool with him, someday he’d get me in a Sasha Baron Cohen movie (I’m pretty sure he and Sasha never really became BFF’s or writing partners or anything but I’ll give the bro the benefit of the doubt since I feel so lame about what I did to his lame Beetle.)

Anyway, I never told him it was me, but he knows cause I heard it through the LA grapevine. And hey, if you’re reading this Dude, I’m for real sorry. I’m a mother to a baby dog now and I have really grown up and that was crappy of me to do. I hope you went on to fab things in life and I hope you got all that stuff off your Beetle. Actually, I hope you SOLD that Beetle cause that was straight-up embarrassing and I think you agree. But if you ever need a car washing, hit me up. I owe you one, man.

Leave your topic suggestions below and inspire my next HOT TOPIC (Not the Store)!

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  1. I once “peeped” an exes’ roomate’s car for what an asshole he’s been to me. Sun + marshmellow peeps= yikes

  2. yep, i’m one of those girls too. a group of us “padded” an ex’s car, complete with red jelly on the pads. (the latter was not my idea). the entire night all i could think of was his poor mother (who loved me and i loved her) coming outside to see that, and all of his little siblings too. but, hate to admit it, if not for them i would’ve done it again…

  3. Thank God I’m not the only one who has thrown food items at an ex’s car. The aftermath was similar too. Also, my guy drove a PT Cruiser–not quite as tragic as a VW Beetle, but still. LOVE this feature, btw!

    My word: stranger!

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