Hooters on Skates: The Bikini Hockey League

Yup, you read that correctly. Bikini Hockey League. If you’re like me, you’re probably muttering those words out loud to try to comprehend them. I’ll save you some trouble. You can repeat “bikini hockey league” over and over again, and it’s most likely going to seem just as awkward as the first time. However, to league founder Cary Eskridge, the idea of putting scantily clad ladies in skates makes perfect sense.

Eskridge announced that he was forming the league via a press release in early May. I really want to meet the person who crafted this perfect piece of communication. To start, the hot pink logo outlined by that shade of Hooters’ orange is inspired. I can already get the tone you’re trying to set. Bravo. Then opening by describing the 2004 lockout and the void it left for hockey fans truly tugs at the heartstrings. Cary Eskridge, you are the Walter Harvey for the new millennium. What woman wouldn’t want to be part of what is essentially the plot of A League of Their Own, but on skates in 2012?

In all seriousness, I love thinking about how this idea really came to be. I have a feeling it went something like:

‘Hey man, what are two of your favorite things?’

‘Hot chicks and watching hockey.’

‘You’re a genius, let’s put them together. There’s nothing more natural than pairing a brutish sport with bikinis.’

I imagine sitting in on that pitch meeting was a little like living out a Bud Light commercial. In the ’90s. Speaking of the ’90s, this is inline hockey, not ice hockey. Is there anything more ’90s than rollerblades? This man essentially wants to merge the best scenes from Airborne (one of Jack Black’s finest roles to date in my opinion) with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Short of having En Vogue sing the national anthem before games, I can think of few things more representative of the Full House decade. I’m half expecting the uniforms to be neon orange and exclusively sponsored by L.A. Gear or Lisa Frank.

The decision to steer this endeavor away from the ice might be the only sound logic in this entire enterprise. I will give Cary and co credit for that. Nothing ruins a male fantasy quite like a bloody gash from a blade.

If you’re able to get beyond the press release, I’d recommend taking a peek at the casting call section of the website. This isn’t just a league, it’s a reality show, as well. Before you start putting together that audition tape touting your skills with a hockey stick, you might be surprised to know that you need none. Nowhere in the casting notice is there a single mention of hockey. Maybe they are just assuming that anyone who came of age in the ’90s can rollerblade (which is actually a pretty safe assumption). Instead, you are asked to provide a headshot, a full length bikini photo from the front, and a full length bikini photo from behind. These photos will obviously clearly indicate your ability to handle yourself in the rink.

To be fair to Mr. Eskridge, while I have my doubts about the league as a display of sporting skill, it does seem like an ideal reality show premise. Reality show contestants in general tend to be fairly aggressive in nature. The search for hockey player reality show contestants strikes me as an exercise in culling the MOST aggressive people on the planet. Have you seen the Lingerie Football League on MTV? They might be wearing booty shorts, but those ladies know how to throw a hit. I might start a petition right now for a Lingerie/Bikini League crossover episode. It’s probably a good thing that someone is rounding these women up. Someone could breed these ladies with UFC fighters and create a new race of superhuman warriors. Take that terrorists!

Perhaps bikini hockey reality TV doesn’t seem particularly appealing to me, because any aggressive tendencies I might have had have waned as I’ve gotten older. Maybe it has something to do with being a former hockey player. I was the lone girl in my local all boys hockey league during my early adolescence. I was forced to quit, though, when I turned fourteen and would have been required to play in the 14 to 18-year-old bracket. My 5’2″, 14-year-old self was no match for high school dudes who weighed twice as much.

Even without that fear of getting crushed, I probably wouldn’t have lasted long in the league. I found myself wanting to tell everyone to chill out when fights broke out. I’m much better suited to the sidelines where hockey is concerned.

However, if unlike me, you’d like an extracurricular outlet where you can check someone into a wall while wearing a triangle top, then definitely check out the Bikini Hockey League. If nothing else, your parents will probably appreciate someone getting use out of those rollerblades that have been gathering dust in their garage since 1994.

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