If I ever saw Mr. Christopher Meloni out and about in New York City, I’d immediately stop and yell, “FREEZE! PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! AND SPREAD ‘EM! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR THE CRIME OF BEING THE MOST PERFECT HELLO GIGGLES HONORARY HUSBAND AND ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED IN YOUR FAVOR IN A HELLO GIGGLES HONORARY HUSBAND POST!” Just kidding – I wouldn’t embarrass myself or Hello Giggles like that. Instead, I’d be way more “low key” and ask if Chris wouldn’t mind autographing my cheek with his lips.
On the real, if there is one man out there I would allow to sans-irony “cuff” me, it’s Mr. Christopher Meloni. Okay, fine, there are at least several other men I’d allow to sans-irony “cuff” me but none of those men have the talent, power, intellect and versatile acting range of Chris Meloni. There are several different adjectives that come to mind when I think of Chris: hot, scorching, smoking, on “fiyah (like Mariah)”, etc. At the very least, this man is worthy of a Shakespearean Sonnet: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day, [Chris Meloni]”? Because thou art hotter than a summer’s day. Now if only Chris were actually gay.
Apart from being ridiculously, man-liciously attractive, Chris is also an extremely talented actor with some truly eclectic acting experience. For the past two decades, Chris has been gracing the silver screen with his raw talent, playing everything from Mafioso thugs to quirky oddballs to arrogant jocks. In 1997, Chris gained critical recognition (and gay-icon status) for his depiction of Chris Keller, a psychopathic bisexual rapist, who had an affinity for full-frontals and deep romantic kisses with his prison boyfriend, on the brilliant HBO prison drama, OZ. Shortly after his OZ stint, Chris was hired to play the principled, yet tortured alpha-protector, Detective Elliot Stabler on the ubiquitous, ever-running Law & Order: SVU, which is perhaps his most enduring role to date.
Sadly, Christopher Meloni won’t be returning to Law & Order-SVU after next season, which means that I’ll have to find someone else to fantasize about using handcuffs with. However, Christopher Meloni’s “eternal summer shall not fade”, as he’ll be taking on the role of writer/producer/director/star of the upcoming National Lampoon’s, Dirty Movie, which has quite a nice ring to it. To quote Willy Shakespeare again: “So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this and this gives life to thee,” Christopher Meloni, as we have elected thee a Hello Giggles honorary husband for prosperity.
Image via HBO.com