Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST

Homer Simpson’s Top 10 Best Parenting Tips

On this Father’s Day, we give you the gift of Homer Simpson – one of the best dads around and giver of sage parenting wisdom.

10. “We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies?! For fun?! Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you?!” We’ll see later on in this list that Homer likes to refer to the lessons in the movies. And when he wants to teach his son about justice and honesty and why he shouldn’t shoplift, there’s only one name in the world that could make that clear: Steve Guttenberg.

9. “No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.” A good point – strikes are such a hassle. And why put in the effort for something you hate? The grown-up thing to do is chug along so you can make money that you can spend when you get into outrageous capers or your dog needs an operation or if Lisa needs braces!

8. BART: Mom, my slingshot doesn’t fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!

MARGE: Bart! Where did you pick up words like that?

HOMER: (on phone) Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

MARGE: Homer! Watch your mouth!

HOMER: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. Look, kids don’t grow up in a happy little bubble fairy world. They’re gonna learn these words at some point, damn it. Suckity suck suck suck!

7. “Kids, let me tell you about another so-called [makes quotation marks with fingers] ‘wicked’ guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn’t always do what other people thought was right. And that man’s name was… I forget. But the point is… I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I’m talking about. He used to drive that blue car?” Hey, sometimes parenting isn’t about the details, it’s about the big picture. About the guy with that thing who did that stuff. Dental plan!

6. “Lisa! In this house we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!” See? There’s a place for both science AND religion in the home! Suck on that, Flanders!

5. “Where’s Bart? His dinner’s getting cold and eaten.” The lesson here is strike while the iron is hot. Get while the getting is good. Don’t hesitate. And so forth. You’re just not a good parent if you don’t teach your child this by eating their dinner.

4. “Don’t you listen to that guy in church?! Captain what’s-his-name?!” Sometimes you have to let other people teach your lessons for you. Be it Steve Guttenberg or Captain what’s-his-name, it takes a village.

3. “Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa’s a clergyman, Maggie is seven people and Bart was wounded in Vietnam!” It’s important to teach your kids how to cheat on taxes, otherwise, how will they learn??

2. LISA: Dad! You can’t just leave us by ourselves, we need a baby-sitter!

HOMER: Lisa, haven’t you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it’ll be a hilarious situation. Again, let the movies show you the way. Kids these says are so damn cynical.

1. “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.” So true. If you don’t try, you can’t fail. Happy Father’s Day!

Featured image via dailypygmy.com; all others screencapped from YouTube by Almie Rose.

Need more Giggles?
Like us on Facebook!

Want more Giggles?
Sign up for our newsletter!