I don’t know about you guys, but I am constantly walking into walls, the sides of doors, columns, in fact, really anything that could potentially cross my path. Maybe it’s because I’ve miscalculated the breadth of my shoulders or that my left shoulder is wider than my right or that my peripheral vision is off. Whatever the cause may be, I do this way too frequently not to figure out an elegant/non-awkward way to maneuver my way around this embarrassing and often painful roadblock. There are many ways to walk into objects. Therefore, I have created multiple rhyming methods, depending on the force and nature of your collision, to help you remember the walking into wall strategies that will enable you to look like you meant to do it.
Straight Up and Fast, Feign Your Wrath:
If you run straight into a door or wall at full impact, chances are you’ll be pretty annoyed and perhaps even physically injured. Use your anger/pain to get into character. Your anger is key to making it seem you ran into this object on purpose. Therefore, you should not act like you are angry at said object; instead, pretend you are enraged about some fake business meeting. I suggest keeping a cell phone handy, so you can whip it out and say, for instance, “I can’t believe she missed the most important business meeting of her career. She is going to regret it. In fact, I am going to fire her when I get back to the office. I am so angry, aargh!” For emphasis, you might kick the wall or door or whatever object you ran into. This will not only make people think running into said object was on purpose, it will also make you look like a focused and passionate professional.
Straight Up and Slow – Just Go:
If you walk straight into a door or wall really slowly, chances are no one even noticed. On the off chance someone did, the best plan is to look up, get out of the object’s way and keep on walking. Don’t stop, don’t look behind you and keep moving. Don’t even look mildly embarrassed, because when compared with the other types of walking into objects, this is no big deal. In fact, remember that as you walk away and pat yourself on the back for the mildness of your collision and for your quick recovery. The confidence you feel will be written all over your face.
To the Side, Let it Slide or Explore and Reside:
If you walk into an object with the side of your body, which is the most common ‘bumping into something’ occurrence for me, you should pretend to be tired and slide yourself down to a nice seated – or better yet, lying down – position and pretend you are taking a rest. Make sure to look peaceful and relaxed; this way, people won’t think you have suddenly taken ill or are having a seizure. Instead, they’ll think, “Oh, how sweet, a beautiful sleeping angel. I’m sure this type of gently slumbering person would never be clumsy or careless.”
Another option for a slow side hit is to pretend you are examining/exploring whatever the object you bumped into. If you have a notebook, I suggest taking it out and writing notes about the object you hit. To make you look more invested, I suggest venting your anger, pain or embarrassment in these notes. This exercise will hopefully enable you to transfer your emotions from your face and onto paper. If you are unable to engage in angry writing without also making an angry face, then this method may not be for you. But hey, since no one has to read this, you can always write about something completely unrelated to your emotions or the collision itself, like haiku inspired by nature or an acrostic poem using your name. Whatever you choose to write, make sure your face remains calm, neutral and intelligent looking. After all, you just bumped into something, and you are going to need to work your way back up in the eyes of the strangers who witnessed it. That’s why I suggest testing this side hit method at home before taking it out into the real world.
Reason, Nope, but Rhyme is Dope:
Although you or I many never understand the reason behind walking into objects, we can enjoy the rhymes that turn something so awkward into something graceful and full of meaning.
Featured image via cultureflock.com.