Hi, I'm Jill & I'm a Product Wh*re

When I walk into Sephora or The Larchmont Beauty Center, a Dorothy-like voice goes off in my head chanting: “Serums and eye creams and hair products, oh my!” Talk about girling out; this is where I do it. It doesn’t matter what I came in for – I will leave with so much more. And samples. Samples, people! It’s like Lady Trick or Treating! Ugh, I love it so much! Do you know that Kiehl’s carries products for horses? Do you know that I’ve taken samples of these products? How could I not take samples of the Kiehl’s Equine Line? Products especially made to meet the specific-cleansing needs of a horse!? It exists. I need it.

Speaking of Kiehl’s, I’m about to tell you something that will make your (hopefully) well-conditioned head pop off of your (hopefully) well-moisturized neck. Here goes. I know someone who has a special Kiehl’s VIP card. As far as I know, there are likely less than 25 of these cards that are still floating around out there. It’s a VIP discount card. Guess how much the discount is for? 100% off. Did you f**king hear me?! Every time this person goes into Kiehl’s and shows that card, they get a 100% discount. I believe that there’s a spending limit of $300 each time you go in and you can go in daily, if you so desire.

I’ll wait while you pick your head up and place it back on your body. I have intentionally chosen to not only not say this person’s name, but to not even reveal whether this person is a girl or a guy. This is some national government protection-level information. You know, N.G.P.L.I. Because if I’m you guys and I’m just now reading about the existence of this Willy Wonka-like Kiehl’s magical card? I would immediately seek out this person (I’m pretty sure that this is precisely what Facebook and twitter and Linkedin are for) and force them to take me directly to Kiehl’s so that they can bust out that wizard card and spend-but-not-really-spend $300 on my ass.  But forget it. Because they shall remain anonymous. And forever a god to me. Can you tell that they hook me up? They do.  Insert * sigh * here. Let’s move on. Before I get too excited and type their cell phone number.

When it comes to new products, do you guys start off super psyched to try them but simultaneously assuming that you’re allergic to them and go from there? I do. I also do this with new foods. And foods that I haven’t eaten in a while. I think a lot. A lot. With new products, I’m so excited to try them but I don’t have the patience to do the patch test. I do have the fear of having an allergic reaction, so … I just never try them at night when I may have to deal with weird reactions in the middle of the night solo. I simply try them during the day, when the world is up and about and I can take comfort in knowing that I can call my sister or my parents or any of my friends and be like, “Do I need to go to the ER if my cheek itches?” And the answer is always the same. They hang up on me. Which makes me feel better.

I’ve actually just come from a trip to the Larchmont Beauty Center here in LA where I purchased two different eye creams (I should use them to spell out s-u-c-k-e-r under my eyes), a bronzer (what up, Stila) and a damn diptyque candle. I have a tendency to precede the word diptyque with the word damn because I can’t help but buy their damn $60 Baies candle. It’s like how Fiji Water is the treat water of waters. Diptyque is the treat candle of candles. Pricey but luscious. Does a candle even count as a (skin/hair-type) product, per se? Likely not. But the Larchmont Beauty Center has an extensive candle selection, so as far as they’re concerned – this $60 candle is a beauty product with a SPF 60.

Feel free to tip me to ANY products you guys love. Face, skin, hair, nails. I will likely run right out and buy them. Or, knowing me, I might try to whore a sample. How cool is it when Sephora makes you a tiny sample of something? I got this one. It’s THE coolest thing EVER (after that Large Hadron Collider thingy). And believe me, I know cool things. Said the girl who gathers samples of a product that cares for a horse’s mane.

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