Hey Boyz, Learn To Communicate Or Die Lonely

Dear Fellas,

Today, my life is all about helping you to communicate in new relationships. While I agree that women can be difficult to communicate with, I must say that they way some of you dudes act makes you prime candidates for the Do Not Date List. I am here to school you. If you follow my handy advice, we can get you off of the list in just a few sessions and you may begin your probationary period. Now close your eyes and envision these scenarios.

OMG, boys are so dumb! How are you reading with your eyes closed?! UGH! It’s a figure of speech. Now read up, you obviously need me.

Scenario 1. You meet a girl, you’re totally into her. You text her the next day, call her later that evening and make plans for the following day. On your date, you have a GREAT time and she is all about it. After the date, you text her, she doesn’t answer right away, so you text her something like, “Really?” or “Hello?” Or maybe your behavioral problem is deeper rooted and you send “?” If so, quit reading and call the suicide hotline; there is nothing I can do for someone who thinks it is okay to send a ? or series of ????? over a text message. It is just not okay. Taking part in such activities will guarantee a future of failed relationships and you will end up an old lonely soul.

If a girl doesn’t answer your text right away, she is either busy or she doesn’t like you; whatever the reason, sit down and relax yourself. It is not the end of the world. If a girl is into you, she will respond, I promise. If she doesn’t respond and you are convinced that Verizon had a major malfunction and she didn’t get your text, call her within the next couple of days. If she doesn’t answer, leave a voice message. At this point, if she does not return your call then clearly she just does not like you. Move on. Don’t be rude, don’t bash her, don’t do anything I can make fun of you for because I will. And never ever send a “Hello?” when she doesn’t answer because if she WAS into you, she wont be anymore.

Scenario 2. Same situation as scenario 1, except you didn’t screw it all up yet. You are a few dates deep with a chick, then you decide to be a loser and take a week off from talking to her. Look, when you first start dating someone, you don’t have to talk EVERY DAY but it is unacceptable to go a full week with no contact, especially if you already set the precedent for frequent communication. A girl who is related to the guy in scenario 1 will call/text/BBM/Facebook/tweet/telegram you… but a girl with any self respect will chill, most likely with another guy.

If you like a girl, why take this risk? Are you scared? Man up. If you can honestly say that you don’t want to be with her, then fine, go away – but stay away. Don’t think you can come back whenever you want. If you pull this disappearing act and the girl welcomes you back, then you found someone with more insecurities and lower self esteem than you. Congrats Houdini, you belong together. If you are into someone, even if you are not 100% sure you want to pursue it, don’t lose contact for more than a couple of days. A good catch will start making moves within a week and she doesn’t have time to think, “Does he like me? Does he not like me?” Don’t give me this, “it isn’t fair to her if I don’t know what I want.” That is what dating is all about, figuring out what you want.

Look guys, I know you are probably wondering where the line between too much and not enough contact is drawn. Put it this way: if she isn’t bothered by the constant communication, then have fun with it. Keep in mind though, if you start out as a heavy communicator, you are going to have to keep it up because girls notice when communication habits change. Guys may not. Girls do. If you’re busy and wont be in contact as much, just be up front about it so she isn’t wondering if you died, which in turn will make you wonder if she’s insane. Spare us all the trouble, okay? On the flip side, if you can’t scroll through your recent calls/texts to contact her and you have to use your address book, then you need to step up your game.

Remember, a “?” is never ok and “??????” will send you straight to hell. Now, call your woman and make me proud guys!

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