It’s super easy to be jealous. I’m telling you this not as an outside observer, but as an in-the-know, insider, totally-with-it gal. Like, I get it. I really do. I understand the feelings of jealousy and envy, because I feel them almost every single day.
It seems harmless, sometimes, to be jealous of people that are far away. Like that girl you see around campus who has super great hair and a lot of friends? She’s okay to be the object of your envy, because she’s probably perfect and can take it. But being jealous of your friends feels far less benign and much more scary. They’re your friends! You love them! You should be happy when they are happy and sad when they are sad and you should certainly never, ever, declare that you hate them because they dare to live in a state of perpetual marital bliss (guilty).
I would have thought that I’d have put this struggle behind me long ago, but noooo. I grew up fairly poor (food stamps and food banks, welfare and broken-down vehicles kinda poor), and so when I started going to high school it was a real struggle for me not to be constantly wildly envious of my friends and their lives of plenty. I thought that money equaled a higher state of being, and the things I would obsess over were ridiculous (oh my god she has a hair straightener that cost a hundred dollars and I found mine in a dumpster!). I was jealous of my friend’s families, of their cars, of their grades, of their jobs. I was a raging machine of envy and it was sickening.
I thought that by the time I reached college, I’d know what to do. I’d know the answer, the magic serum to take, that would prevent me from sabotaging my friendships with the ugly green-eyed monster that lived inside of me. It grew less difficult, with time, to ignore and dampen down that urging to compare my life with theirs just to see where I’d come up lacking.
But recently, my struggle with jealousy and its bedfellows of envy and comparison has ratcheted up a few more notches. My friends are graduating, going to grad school, getting boyfriends and husbands and real jobs, and it’s taking everything in me not to succumb and turn into a Jekyll-like situation of absolute envy of a horrific magnitude. I mean, one of my best friends moved to Hawaii. Hawaii. She lives there now. Just, you know, in tropical island paradise. How am I supposed to feel good about my life when my friend lives in freaking Hawaii?!
The thing is, my assumptions are totally incorrect. The friends that I’m spending my time obsessing about how jealous I am of their lives are actually just humans. They may have an area of their lives figured out that I sure don’t (like, my best friend who has a husband AND a house) but that doesn’t mean they don’t look at my life and think that I’ve got things they’d want. Not that it’s supposed to be an equal-comparison game, where we all just run around super jealous of each other and somehow still remain friends.
It makes me feel so gross when I’ve spent precious minutes of my thoughts dwelling on what I don’t have and how I’m envious of my friends who’ve got it. I love my friends. I’d rather use my time with them to rejoice when they rejoice and to weep when they weep. I’d rather learn from them, asking questions about what they know about marriage and relationships and how to be a better writer and the grammar concepts they get but I don’t. In my life, I will only have a certain amount of time I get to be in community with these awesome people, and I want to be happy and love them, not dwell over all the reasons I’m envious of them and harbor jealousy in my heart.
How about you, dear readers? Ever struggled with (or better yet, overcome) this? Please do let me know (cause, you know, I need help).
Featured image via shutterstock
Yup swimming in this same boat. I did this winter I have such high expectations for myself, but get caught in the loop of why am I not doing what there doing and what makes them different from me. I am at odds with my best friend because I literally spent a lot of time wanting her life.I’m starting to realize this now because I look back at the mistakes I’ve made regaurding my honesty with myself and with others in my life how I’ve alienated myself from them getting angry that I thought I should have. And I don’t mean getting mad for a couple of weeks and then saying sorry I mean full on blow outs saying sh*t so hurtful that I would think now where did that come from. But the honest to goodness truth for me. Is I havn’t been working on it and it shows. But it doesn’t mean that I should’nt it just not as easy as I expected it to be. And forgiving myself for being jealous the first step in the right direction for me.
I’ve been feeling like this a lot lately. I keep hearing about my friends getting closer to completing their life goals, and I feel like I’m getting left behind. So while I want to be congratulating them, I’m wallowing in self pity instead. I try to use this feeling as a motivator to get off my ass and work towards my goals as well.
I’ve been dealing with the same thing, and luckily I’m in the middle of reading Shauna Niequist’s book _Cold Tangerines_. Her personal essays strike close to home, and they make me feel much better because not only am I not alone in my experiences, but I better understand how to take them as lessons. Ms. Niequist has an amazing way of learning from her low moments! You can read part of her essay about jealousy called “Confession” on Google Books. The first step in her solution to friend jealousy is to confess to a different friend or family member about how you are feeling, no matter how shameful it is. Getting it out there helps you overcome it.
Oh wow! I LOVE Shauna Niequest! I’ve read all her books & I’m about to review her newest release on my personal blog
Thanks for this reminder.
Awesome! Reading her book always makes me feel so peaceful and like life is meaningful and I *can* do it! I’d love to write that kind of stuff one day.
I admit, I feel like this a lot of the time. Envy is actually the reason why I’ve broken off so many friendships, because I’m jealous of what other people have. Especially now that I’m older and many of my friends around me are getting married, getting jobs, having kids, and buying houses, it hits hard because nothing of the sort has happened to me yet. I don’t necessarily have a “best friend” (the last one I had ditched me in 8th grade because I wasn’t cool enough for her), but I do envy close friends and acquaintances because they have new, happy lives now. I really should be happy for them and I try to be, but sometimes it gets obnoxious when some people overpost on Facebook, like every day. I actually deactivated my account for a while because I was so jealous!
I know I shouldn’t give up hope in terms of overcoming my envy – I’m sure it’ll go away eventually. But your article hits very close to home for me. At least I’m thankful I’m not the only one with these feelings.
Sheesh, I wrote this basically because I wanted to feel not so alone in it! Glad for your understanding.
I think Social Networking also makes this ten times worse- I find myself flicking through people’s pages and seeing that they are clearly having a better time than me! I make a point of listing all the things to be thankful for.
I am even jealous of your writing and motivation- that you have managed to have your article published on hellogiggles.com! Just goes to show we don’t know how lucky we are and always want what we do not have. Great article
I read something about comparing yourself to others on social networking sites that really put it into perspective: Don’t compare your back stage to someone else’ highlight reel. I’m not sure where I heard/read it but it makes perfect sense. Normal people don’t post all of their problems on facebook or wherever. They only post pictures of themselves looking their best and post status updates about awesome stuff they are doing. So when you are sitting in your sweat pants, eating a bowl of cereal, checking out what people are doing on these sites it is best to remember that they probably have a pair of ratty old sweats in their closets too.
That is the best. saying. ever.
Why would I be? It’s not their fault that I fail at certain thing they’re good at.
I feel there is a correlation between people who feel this way and those who are struggling with student loan debt. Options become limited. Sigh…I experience this feeling regularly but have to remind myself how proud i am of these people in my life and how supportive they will be when i one day find my way to comparable bliss.
i feel like this sometimes too but it’s funny bc when i finally got the nerve to mention it to a friend or 2, i think everyone has something they’re jealous of. it’s just a matter of squishing those feelings down and remembering the good you have yourself.
I can’t believe other people feel this way. I feel so much better. I agree, we are all human. You know what I realized makes this worse. I analyze it over and over. I have learned that whenever things are not going perfect in my life that feeling gets heightened. So now I try to take a step back and realize that it is me and not them. I look at what I am not happy in my life with and try to separate my feelings and pin point what is going on. That sometimes is harder to do especially when my all my thoughts have over flowed. Ugh , I swear my head is my biggest enemy most of the time. Even when I fall asleep and dream. I can’t believe all the craziness that goes in there lol. I need a break, unless Matt Damon shows up in my dreams like yesterday, my dreams can easily be just like real life.
, can we talk” or ” I am going crazy again I feel so stupid , but..”. It is so silly but once you let it out and release it, it feels so good. You talk , laugh at how silly it can be sometimes, validate, and have cheers for good friends”.
One of the most helpful things I have found that has helped with this actually is actually just this, “GREAT FRIENDS” and “COMMUNICATION”. I have been so lucky to have such a great group of best friends. We can just be ourselves with one another and accept each other for who we are, even when we are going crazy in our heads. It is so refreshing. A friendship is like any relationship. We just talk to one another about these feelings. It is awkward to admit you have these feelings to your friend, but it works. The best thing about having a good friend is they listen and don’t make you feel stupid about it. They validate you, they love you , and the talk about it with you. It is the best thing I found that has help me let go of jealous feelings with my friends. We start the sentence now with , ” I am having a fight with you in my head
We need to really evaluate who are friends are also. If you can’t talk about these things and be ok with one another than are they really “friends”? Be yourself always and your real friends will always understand and love you.
This is the best comment, both for your wisdom and the Matt Damon reference. Thanks for sharing!
I think the key is that everyone has enviable aspects to them. But you are unique. Your friends love you because you bring something to them that they may not have. Being raised without everything is a gift in itself, because when you do have – you appreciate it all the more and may even be likely to share with those less fortunate.
Love this article!
hi!
so i am reading your article with RELIEF that i am not the only green eyed friend in the world.
my bff and i have been friends since i was 10 (now i’m 25) and envy is something i experienced (and still do) on a regular basis.
i grew up in a poor family, my mother struggled to ensure i would not go without (eating porridge so my sister and i could eat a ‘proper’ dinner) and i am very thankful and very close to her because of that. i worked a job of some kind since the age of 13 so i could buy new records or clothes or toiletries, for myself.
me and my bff, are different in many ways but we like a lot of the same things.
so many times i would see something i liked but couldn’t afford to have and lo and behold her parents would have bought it for her.
some of the time she wouldn’t even know i had already seen and wanted that thing which made it all the more infuriating because i knew she genuinely wanted it too, except she had the funds and i didn’t.
she has always lived in beautiful homes, had new things all the time, her family is artistic, cultured, hilarious and supportive, not to mention she is beautiful, skinny and has a healthy, level-head on her, has not experienced much in the way of loss or problems (not that i wish that on her) has travelled the world, lived in australia, her grandpa is famous…..i could go on for pages.
we have lived together during uni, and sometimes i found this really difficult.
a lot of the time i have been able to brush off envying her luck and privilege and be happy for her, because i love her from the bottom of my heart despite my envy, and i want her to be happy and have all these great things. and actually, she is really good at being thankful for what she has, being modest about it all, trying to share what she has and looks out for her others.
sometimes, it has been really hard, mostly at times when our friendship is weakened or i am particularly struggling while she has a great time.
mostly, i feel incredible guilt for feeling this way towards my friend, as i know it is wrong!! i want to be proud of my life and achievements without comparing myself to her and in my acceptance, grow a strong, honest and nurturing life-long old ladies knitting on the porch kind of friendship.
i hope i won’t always feel this way! it can be so easy for women to envy each other, it happens all the time just by walking down the street! but i think the lesson here is to support and encourage in the face of insecurity and not let these jealous dwellings get in our way of making valuable relationships with other women.
Thanks for sharing your story, Emma