I thought perhaps the best way to go about my first piece for HelloGiggles would be to bypass the polite introductions and go straight for the hard-hitting, intellectual, nearly philosophical pieces you can expect from me on the regular. Which is why I decided to tell you that I’m trying to figure out how to bone Woody Allen’s estranged son, Ronan Farrow. Here are some things we have in common, in case he has his Google alerts set up:
- Ronan Farrow was a child prodigy who attended college in Massachusetts at age 11.
- I am of slightly above average intelligence and have yet to receive a Bachelor’s degree in Massachusetts despite being 23.
- Ronan Farrow was accepted into law school at Yale University at the age of 16, but deferred his college plans so he could focus on his work with UNICEF.
- I have just started to watch Boston-based fictitious lawyer Ally McBeal a lot, but often defer my viewings so I can focus on watching The Cosby Show.
- Ronan Farrow no longer speaks to Woody Allen because he views Woody’s relationship with Soon-Yi as his father dating his sister. Ronan Farrow feels morally obligated to refer to Soon-Yi as his sister, because if he were to believe otherwise it would be an insult to adopted children every where.
- 6 years ago I had a dream that my best friend Becca tried to trick Woody Allen into thinking a popsicle stick was a straw full of peanut butter, and I have yet to forgive her, even in real life, even right now.
- Ronan Farrow does some work with Obama or something.
- My brain involuntarily shuts off when I read anything about politics, so much so that I completely glazed over whatever Ronan Farrow does for or with or to Obama.
It’s only a matter of time before I get pregnant, trap him in a relationship and then have an affair with his father behind his back until Ronan Farrow has a nervous break down because, well, wouldn’t you if your father cheated on your sister with your wife? That’s pretty messed up of me! Oh well! He shouldn’t have been handsome and related to Woody Allen. “This is all on you, bro” I’ll say. “This is all on you.”
Caragh Poh is a 23 year old living in Massachusetts. She enjoys falling asleep to soothing documentaries about serial killers or unusual sexual fetishes. She doesn’t have a rock collection, focusing instead on collecting a running list of Things That Shouldn’t Give Her Anxiety, But Do. Though Caragh is in the midst of receiving her degree in English, she is currently in the process of switching her major over to Kardashian with a concentration in Khloe. You can find her blog at whydoihaveablog.net if that’s the sort of thing you’re into finding.