Champagne Problems

Have You Ever Been Dumped Via Text?

Whelp, here it is…The Champagne Problem of the week! The day we’ve all been waiting for! The day my sassy Pennsylvania accent gets dumped via text message. I know, I know. I’m loud. But I swear that’s not why it ended. I swear. I think he was kidnapped by aliens that live in the Hollywood Hills and forced to drink P. Diddy’s vodka until he vom vom’d on his pom pom. (I don’t know what that means).

Anyway… To be fair, the fact that I’ve made it until my mid-twenties before a human being squashed my love affair dreams by the hands of an electronic devil device is something to be proud of, no? But alas, the burn still sizzles nonetheless.

(Time out: This has nothing to do with the column…enjoy! )

Okay, we’re back. Look, I am no genius, but don’t you think it’s time we start to face people in a way that they deserve to be faced? You know, like, tell the truth to them. In front of them? Or at least using your voice box? I know it’s bothersome and annoying to do such a thing like “take the time” but, regardless I think you should try. I am no sexy Vicky Secret model or nothing but I think Lil Momma (I’m Lil Momma) deserves the right to have a five minute phone call with a guy she’s been riding shotgun with in a sexy way. (Not that way. Literally riding in the front seat of a car. Shotgun!).

Call me ol’ fashioned, but I am starting a trend where if things don’t work out with a sassy significant other possibility, I am going to do the bold/unthinkable and let him/her know via my voice box…mostly, so they don’t go on the internet and do something crazy. Boo ya!

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Image via shutterstock; Alice Dison

  • Dana Boone

    You tell him! I had this exact same rant (off the internet) last time I was dumped via text. Phone calls are common courtesy, in-person break ups are now the equivalent of a (someone else’s) knight in shining armor.

  • Erin Iacavone

    Not only did I get dumped via text message, I got “It’s not you, it’s me” via text message. Bitch, please!

  • Rachel Morgan Smith

    I got dumped via text by my first (and so far only) boyfriend while I was out of town. He even put in the effort to type out how he never really liked me and was only dating me to get complements from me to boost his self esteem so he could go for the girl he really liked.
    Talk about classy.

  • Jessica Mary Lara

    Yep. My ex boyfriend dumped me via text right after I told him I just I got into a car wreck. Coward.

  • Kati Hirigoyen

    I got dumped via e-mail by my first boyfriend about 5 years ago. Not sure which is worst, but at least texting is generally limited to 150 characters so you don’t have to read an essay on “It’s not you, it’s me.” :-) I will say, in retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t have to take the time to meet up with someone who felt so poorly about me. So there’s that.

  • Stephanie Howell

    I got a text sating he sent a ”your dumped” email the day after my email. The jist of the email? You’re TOO sexy and I can’t handle it. Seriously?

  • Stephanie Howell

    , the day after my birthday

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