So this week on The Heatley Cliff, we are waxing poetic about Harry Potter.  In that spirit I have decided to write a poem trying to explain how I feel about the boy who lived.

Harry Potter, If I Was Your Girlfriend...

I would never make you say

The name of he who shall not be named

Just so that I can prove to all my friends what a badass you are

The scar is proof enough, so maybe try not to cover it with your bangs

 

I would be totally cool with how much time you spend with Hermione

That said, you can’t hang with her and then lie to me

Because let’s face it, it’s always the really uptight control freaks

that are freaks in other places-you know what I mean

 

You wouldn’t hear me give you any flack

Because the Dursleys haven’t gotten any real payback

I would just go and turn them into turds

because I’m woman of action Harry

 

On a saturday night we would never have to go through

The whole-”I don’t know what do you want to do”

Thing because we’re magic

We could party with the Zephyrs, or go back in time, or turn into cats

 

Besides, I have total proof that we are meant to be!

We both have the Stag Patronis, I could hardly believe,

That’s a coincidence, I mean that’s not something you could fake

It’s not like there are any shady wizards you could bribe or anything

 

I would be so down with hanging in Hagrid’s hut

I don’t care what anyone says he is SUCH

A cool guy, and so what if he likes spending all his free time with kids?

He just prefers animals. And children. Like Michael Jackson. Sort of.

 

I would be right there cheering for you at every Quidditch match

I would paint your name on my face and choreograph a whole dance

I mean honestly, it’s like dating the Captain of the Football team

Times a million

 

I would never bring up your parents or the Chamber of Secrets or Sirius

Or giant spiders or chess games or the Whomping Willow or Dumbledore

Or the Death Eaters or Cedric or Dobby or the Dementors or

Professor Umbridge or wow, yeah, that’s- that’s a lot.  Have you ever talked to anyone?

Like a professional?

 

For you, I would learn Parseltongue

It could be our own secret language, that would be so fun

And you’d be fine with me teaching it to like, a few friends, so they wouldn’t feel left out?

Like 10 to 15 friends. Maybe 20.  Max.

 

I get that you have a crush on Ginny Weasly

But let’s face it, divorce happens in the world of wizardry

And Ron is your best friend so if you guys don’t last

Ron is going to have to choose.  That would suck for him.

 

Harry, if I was your girlfriend, I would be the best girlfriend in the world

I promise you that I really am the right girl

I would take care of you and keep you out of trouble (which clearly you need)

I wouldn’t make you get contacts or buy me presents all the time

But you obviously could if you really wanted to

I’ll be waiting for you Harry, in all of my dreams

I think I love you or whatever,

You know what I mean

XOXOXOXO,

Me.

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