So this week on The Heatley Cliff, we are waxing poetic about Harry Potter. In that spirit I have decided to write a poem trying to explain how I feel about the boy who lived.
Harry Potter, If I Was Your Girlfriend...
I would never make you say
The name of he who shall not be named
Just so that I can prove to all my friends what a badass you are
The scar is proof enough, so maybe try not to cover it with your bangs
I would be totally cool with how much time you spend with Hermione
That said, you can’t hang with her and then lie to me
Because let’s face it, it’s always the really uptight control freaks
that are freaks in other places-you know what I mean
You wouldn’t hear me give you any flack
Because the Dursleys haven’t gotten any real payback
I would just go and turn them into turds
because I’m woman of action Harry
On a saturday night we would never have to go through
The whole-”I don’t know what do you want to do”
Thing because we’re magic
We could party with the Zephyrs, or go back in time, or turn into cats
Besides, I have total proof that we are meant to be!
We both have the Stag Patronis, I could hardly believe,
That’s a coincidence, I mean that’s not something you could fake
It’s not like there are any shady wizards you could bribe or anything
I would be so down with hanging in Hagrid’s hut
I don’t care what anyone says he is SUCH
A cool guy, and so what if he likes spending all his free time with kids?
He just prefers animals. And children. Like Michael Jackson. Sort of.
I would be right there cheering for you at every Quidditch match
I would paint your name on my face and choreograph a whole dance
I mean honestly, it’s like dating the Captain of the Football team
Times a million
I would never bring up your parents or the Chamber of Secrets or Sirius
Or giant spiders or chess games or the Whomping Willow or Dumbledore
Or the Death Eaters or Cedric or Dobby or the Dementors or
Professor Umbridge or wow, yeah, that’s- that’s a lot. Have you ever talked to anyone?
Like a professional?
For you, I would learn Parseltongue
It could be our own secret language, that would be so fun
And you’d be fine with me teaching it to like, a few friends, so they wouldn’t feel left out?
Like 10 to 15 friends. Maybe 20. Max.
I get that you have a crush on Ginny Weasly
But let’s face it, divorce happens in the world of wizardry
And Ron is your best friend so if you guys don’t last
Ron is going to have to choose. That would suck for him.
Harry, if I was your girlfriend, I would be the best girlfriend in the world
I promise you that I really am the right girl
I would take care of you and keep you out of trouble (which clearly you need)
I wouldn’t make you get contacts or buy me presents all the time
But you obviously could if you really wanted to
I’ll be waiting for you Harry, in all of my dreams
I think I love you or whatever,
You know what I mean
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