I have a citrus-infused hand sanitizer that is so potent it makes my eyes burn when I pour it out of its bottle. Imagine ingesting that stuff regularly. Your stomach would probably explode within itself and make it impossible to digest your favorite spicy chicken tenders ever again. Surprisingly, some teenagers have made hand sanitizer their newest cocktail of choice, and because it’s made up of 62% ethyl alcohol, which is 120 proof and harder than most liquors, they can get drunk off of just a few swallows, according to Cyrus Rangan, director of the toxicology bureau for the county public health department and medical toxicology consultant for Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. The Los Angeles Times reports that six teenagers of the San Fernando Valley have landed in the emergency room for hand sanitizer poisoning and the videos online that show you how to distill hand sanitizer using salt have caused public health officials to call this a “dangerous trend”.
Teenagers, let’s stop this silliness. It’s gross and dumb. I know you might be bored or you want to rebel or maybe you want to know what it’s like to do adult things, but number one, drinking hand sanitizer is NOT EVEN TASTY. Number two, drinking hand sanitizer is the LEAST adult thing you could do and number three, DRINKING HAND SANITIZER CAN DESTROY YOUR INSIDES AND KILL BRAIN CELLS. How about using hand sanitizer for your hands and other rebellious fun activities, like hand sanitizer graffiti?! Go outside and squirt that stuff on some hot concrete and watch it evaporate. Of course, be careful, because that stuff IS flammable. Case in point…
You teenagers must be super determined to get buzzed, because over the last few decades, aside from drinking the obvious alcohol-containing cough syrup, mouthwash and vanilla extract to get drunk, there have been even weirder methods…
1) Vodka-soaked tampons: Molly McAleer told me that Law and Order SVU taught her about this strange trend, but TV didn’t make this FOR REALSIES issue up. Teenagers, both boys and girls, actually stick tampons in private places to prevent their parents from smelling alcohol on their breath. According to Dr. Dan Quan from Maricopa Medical Center, it’s a “quicker high, they think it’s going to last longer, it’s more intense”. However, that doesn’t mean that teens will pass breathalyzer tests if they get stopped by a cop on the road. Those breathalyzers test YOUR BLOOD ALCOHOL CONTENT – NOT YOUR BREATH. Vodka-soaked tampons can IRRITATE your vaginal lining or cause anal fissures, so is it really worth it? Why am I asking? I feel like throwing up right now. Teens even pour vodka into their eyeballs to get high and that can cause BLINDNESS!!! Don’t you want to be able to see things, like YOURSELF, in a MIRROR??
Instead of soaking tampons in vodka, create a tampon shooter blowgun, an iTampon or a tampon toupee! Just follow the directions at tamponcrafts.com! And instead of pouring vodka into your eyeballs, how about watching it pour out of a bottle, into a plant? But that would probably kill the plant so maybe don’t do that…
2) Another CRAZY thing that teens did to get high in the 1970s up until now is LICKING TOADS. When stroked under their chins, psychoactive toads like the Colorado river toad Bufo Alvarius release the chemical 5-MeO-DMT and bufotenin from their skin which, if licked, can cause a person to hallucinate. THIS IS VENOM, PEOPLE. It’s not like it’s some sorta “natural” way to get high. IT’S POISON. PEOPLE CAN DIE FROM THIS STUFF! Toads release it so that you DON’T touch them! Am I yelling enough yet??? Ahhhh!
What happened to toad racing? Just catch some toads, make them race, then release them back into the wild!
3) For some teens, smoking nutmeg has been an alternative to smoking weed. It can cause: holes in the lungs, palpitations, abdominal spasms, dizziness, nausea, body pain, dehydration, dry mouth and hallucinations. In high doses, it can do permanent damage to the liver due to the carcinogen safrole and can lead to potential death.
Why not make some peach cobbler with nutmeg instead? Apple coffee cake? Bread pudding? Butterbeer for Harry Potter????? You can feed a friend, crush or yourself with all of these nutmeg recipes! Please don’t mess up your body! Love it! You can walk with it, dance with it, and learn important facts with it!
4) Bath salts, particularly Ivory Wave, are being sold in smoke shops and snorted by teens to create an amphetamine high much like cocaine or meth. The result is a hallucination or paranoia, which can cause the user to want to cut himself or commit suicide.
Take a BATH with BATH SALTS! Come on! Baths are so relaxing. If I had a tub, I’d be in it twice a day with some candles! I’d even eat dinner in my bath if I could!
5) The most REVOLTING way teens have resorted to getting high is by breathing in gas from fermented human waste scooped from sewer ponds, known as Jenkem or Butt-hash. Not only is this unsanitary, it’s incredibly disgusting and essentially like eating poop. The toxic fumes cause hallucinations and permanent bacterial infections.
Who wants to eat poop?! Just try the coffee at my office and you’ll get an idea of what that’s like. Just stick your face in a pot of it and you’ll probably start hallucinating. I can’t even THINK of a fun alternative for human waste consumption, other than using it to make a compost heap. People have made art with excrement, but I don’t think that’s such a great idea.
6) Lastly, all you teens that surf the web, there are some digital drugs out there – videos or absurd soundtracks that can mess with your head and cause physiological damage. The teen will lay down with some headphones on and listen to different pitches that are supposed to cause hallucinatory effects. It’s called I-Dosing, and although it’s not a physical drug, the sites that offer I-Dosing typically link to other websites that sell drug paraphernalia. The news makes it sound so ridiculous, but teens are addicted and it’s a problem…
What happened to listening to real music and going for a run? What happened to seeing a musical or opera? What about going to a movie and closing your eyes to listen to the soundtrack? These are fun things to do that can be super pleasurable. I-Dosing sounds so lame. Did you I-Dose today? Just thinking about an I-Dosing Dealer seems so ridiculous. He’s like a DJ that sends you illegal mp3s. I’d rather go on iTunes, thank you.
So, in conclusion, I just want to tell you all how “fun” it was to watch all these horrible news reports. I’m worried about some of you teens. I know that not all of you are into these things and maybe these reports are a little exaggerated, but I hope you are all okay and don’t have some weird story to tell me. Can we all just hug each other and go on a really long, fun vacation? Get involved in some extracurricular activities? Join a sport or dance team? Go swimming? Go running? Rebel by making art or writing in our Livejournals? Dye our hair? Get a tattoo or piercing? Just something a little less crazy than all the stuff above? Please? I care about you. Thanks for reading. Stay healthy. XOXO.