When you’re in college, there are some things that you have to read over and over again. Case in point: right now I’m reading Hamlet for the 91307123085th time (#Englishmajorproblems). Upon taking yet another look at this Shakespearean classic, I have come to the realization that Hamlet is the most annoying character, probably ever. This play really is a tragedy, primarily because the protagonist is the whiniest guy in history. People are always trying to make excuses for him, calling him a classic literary character, so I’ve composed a list of reasons why he is seriously an idiot. Get ready for me to lay down the law:
- Everyone acts like his behavior is justified, saying that his dad just died and that he is a college student whose emotions are running high. I’ll concede that the dad dying part is sad, but this whole deal about him being young and moody is not going to cut it. As a young college student myself, I can tell you right now that if I came across old Hammie on campus, I would text ALL of my friends about how ridiculous he was, and I would probably tweet about it. By the end of the day, everyone with any kind of social media would know that he is not to be tolerated.
- His dad just died, his uncle becomes the king and marries his mother, and Hamlet isn’t even a little bit suspicious? He is probably too busy counting the facets in his tears and capturing the pain of his soul in vials to notice that something is fishy. Someone tells you that your dad died because he was napping in an orchard and got bit by a snake, and you don’t look into it further? How about filing a police report or looking at the autopsy, Hams?
- If the ghost of my father came to me and asked me to avenge his murder, I would take it a smidge more seriously than Mr. “To be or not to be.” Seriously, could he have dilly-dallied more? He needs to do more research on revenge (I recommend the show Revenge, seriously it’s so good) because his plan of acting like a lunatic, talking to himself for 3 acts, and driving his girlfriend to suicide was less than efficient. By the end of the play, everyone in Denmark knows what he is up to; OF COURSE he gets killed.
- Hamlet’s whole plot (once he finally comes up with one) is amateur hour. Pretty much every person he knows ends up dead at the end, and Fortinbras takes over Denmark. So, Hamlet is barely able to manage offing Claudius, he somehow also kills his mother (meanwhile Dead Daddy’s ONE caveat was that Gertie remain unharmed), and he hands the whole kingdom to an invading army. AWESOME JOB.
Based on this totally convincing and conclusive body of evidence, it’s clear that everyone should hate Hamlet for ever and for always. BUT, I have come up with a list of actors who would probably take a Hamlet adaptation from zero to hero. If any of these people ever plays Hamlet, I will form a fan club for them faster than you can say Shakespeare.
- Louis C.K. – Random? Maybe, but I challenge you to come up with a time when Louie isn’t hilarious. Also, no one does self-pitying and pathetic quite like him, so he could totally rock it.
- Sarah Palin – In this day and age, gender-bending is the hippest, and this would be no exception. During Shakespeare’s time, women weren’t allowed to be actors, so young men would play the female characters; Sarah Palin playing Hamlet would flip this idea on it’s ass. And, anyway, her reputation probably couldn’t get worse than it already is. She might even ensnare some of the liberal crowd with this kind of stunt! It would also be hilarious to watch Hamlet wave to Russia from his/her Alaskan castle.