Single Girls Guide

Grow the Eff Up – Plus, the Single Girls Guide live chat TONIGHT!

Okay, we talk a lot about getting older and secretly being willing to cut any ho who gets in the way of your happily ever after. Like, you will take her down. Because all you want is to complete the circle, complain about how much your back hurts while you’re pregnant, roll your eyes at your husband in front of your friends, use a condescending tone when talking to your poor little single friends who are headed out to yet another bar looking for something to fill that void that you already filled. So so sad.

Anyway, most of you are just dying to live it up in a two bedroom house on Main St. You’re the ones who have a little bit of your mom in you. You’re still holding on to tradition and listening to all the domestic alarm bells going off. But there is also a different breed of women who have their own set of problems. They are the girls who don’t want to grow up. Now, I’m not gonna name names, but I have a girlfriend who is resisting being an adult so much, she owns a pair of those kids’ shoes with the wheels on the bottom that were really popular a few years ago. She just rolls around her house pretending she’s seven.

It used to be that a girl would go straight from living with her parents to living with her husband, and that’s when adult status kicked in. Since she was probably about eighteen years old, it was a decent time to get to know your way around a house and all the things that come along with keeping one together. Nowadays, we’re getting married ten to fifteen years later and a lot of girls still feel like they’ll start being an adult when they’re married – but they’re not carding you when you buy a bottle of wine and you still don’t know how to send in a rebate or iron a shirt.

I have a bit of this girl in me. I don’t know how to cook. Like, I don’t know how to make anything. I don’t have that go-to dish I can whip up when I need to prove myself. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I don’t remember when it switched over from me thinking it was cute to say I didn’t know how to do anything to it just being embarrassing and everything that is the opposite of cute.   I always said I didn’t want to cook by myself, that I didn’t have anyone to cook for and I’d learn once I did. But I have this full life with tons of people in it and I go to dinner parties and game nights and celebrations and I don’t have squat to contribute (food wise – I kill it in the charm category). The point is, what are we waiting for? It was time to grow up a while ago.

Sometimes I feel like Winona Ryder in Great Balls Of Fire when she’s forced to move in with her husband/cousin and all she wants to do is hold on to her mom’s leg. Now, in her defense she was thirteen and me comparing myself to her is pretty sad, but I’m just being honest and I thought this was a safe place.

I think when we’re teenagers we have this shtick we do that’s all, “Shut up, I’ll do the opposite of what I’m supposed to. Just let me love Jordan Catalano and eat cereal three times a day.” And we assume we’ll grow out of it once we become an official adult. So, when is that? When we’re married? When we have a kid? When we’re thirty? Because I’m not married and I don’t have any kids. I’m holding onto being twenty nine by the fingernails and I know for sure I am completely immersed in adulthood. If I don’t pay a bill, no one else deals with it. Actually, a lovely lady from a collection agency calls and then I say that I’ve been out of town for months because I’m ashamed to admit that I just didn’t deal with it. Not cute. Its like hipsters thinking its chic to look dirty. You don’t look like your band’s music is good, you look like you need a shower and a job ASAP.

Life moves forward whether we’re ready for it or not and whenever we try to resist it, we lose. It’s the same sickness as women who get plastic surgery to turn their face upside down because they think it fools people into thinking they’re younger. But it just makes them look older. We have to learn to embrace the pace life is moving at, because acting like a kid wont turn you back into one. It will just make it harder when you finally realize you have to get on board. And when you get there everyone will be like, “Finally! We’ve all been laughing at you.”

I just want to say that I feel like the movie Young Adult is probably about this topic, and while maybe the trailer has subliminally inspired me, I actually haven’t even seen it and don’t fully know what its about.

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