Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST Gifts For Rich Folk Almie Rose

This post is for you, Mitt Romney, Bruce Wayne, Oprah, Scrooge McDuck, Bill Gates, Ted Turner, Jem, Victoria Grayson and George Washington. But none for you, Donald Trump. Here are gifts for rich folk. Buy each other these expensive things for a beautiful holiday.

Business man

"So then I said, 'Of course you can take Christmas Day off!'"

One day, to stave off boredom when I should have been doing something more productive, I looked through the Victoria’s Secret catalogue and came upon something utterly hilarious: a one million dollar bra.

But that’s for middle class people. What you rich folk really need is this 2.5 million dollar bra.

"Does this bra make me look entitled?"

Bra, $2.5 million, Victoria’s Secret (check the catalog).

Do you sometimes feel like a poor person when you’re boating on anything less than a yacht, but you don’t feel like taking the yacht out because it’s being renovated? Then what do you do?

You take your Dolphin Power Boat.

douche boat

"Oh honey, look, it's douche season!"

Dolphin Power Boat, $65,000, because screw you.

Do you like chocolate, but think Godiva is for street urchins? I mean, of course it is. You need to make your own chocolate with this 3D chocolate printer.

expensive chocolate

I can't even figure out how to use my scanner.

3D Chocolate printer, $4,000, because eff you.

Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to BBQ and your expensive shoes keep sinking into the grass? You gotta take this thing to the seas. The Barbeque Dining Boat is the answer to the question that few have dared to ask.

silly boat

"Haha, those people over there HATE us!"

Barbeque Dining Boat, $50,000, because God hates you.

Now here’s something for poorer people:

dog ring

I actually really want this.

For a mere $1,124.99, this diabolical bulldog ring can park itself right on your damn finger. Be edgy and make it your engagement ring. You’re rich, what do you care?

Gold Bulldog Ring, $1,124.99, because LOL.

Sometimes you have to interview someone for a new spot in your company. You want them to know who’s boss. So obviously, you’re going to wear a Batman suit.

batman costume

Also appropriate for Christmas parties at George Clooney's house.

Batman Motorcycle Suit, $1,540.00, because they can.

But what do you buy your kids? Sure, they could make a pillow fort, or you could buy them one. But instead of pillows, it’s a damn castle.

castle for kids

The ceiling fan kind of spoils the whole thing though.

Bedroom Fort Playhouse, $18,000, because sod off.

You’ve covered their inside toy, but what about their outside toy? A basketball hoop and a slide really isn’t acceptable. How dare you for even thinking it. It’s okay, you can buy a gigantic Sailboat Playhouse with “a captain’s quarters large enough even for adults to join along.” Thank goodness!

spoiled kids

Also a great place to hide from the IRS.

 Sailboat Playhouse, $52,000, because you suck.

Refrigerators are for simpletons. You aim bigger.

giant beer

It also time travels!

 Walk In Beer Cooler, $6,349, because America.

Sometimes when you look down at people, you really need to look down at people. You need to actually hover above them. And now you can.

hovercraft

"We are like, THIS close to being Jesus right now."

The Flying Hovercraft, $190,000, because. Just because.

Now, don’t you feel much better?

old woman diamonds

"Perhaps I'll take the Corgi chariot out for a spin today."

Featured image by Loomis Dean, 1957.

comments

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  1. LOLL :) Too funny!

  2. your captions are gold….my lanta.

  3. Got my eye on the walk in beer cooler.