This post is for you, Mitt Romney, Bruce Wayne, Oprah, Scrooge McDuck, Bill Gates, Ted Turner, Jem, Victoria Grayson and George Washington. But none for you, Donald Trump. Here are gifts for rich folk. Buy each other these expensive things for a beautiful holiday.
One day, to stave off boredom when I should have been doing something more productive, I looked through the Victoria’s Secret catalogue and came upon something utterly hilarious: a one million dollar bra.
But that’s for middle class people. What you rich folk really need is this 2.5 million dollar bra.
Bra, $2.5 million, Victoria’s Secret (check the catalog).
Do you sometimes feel like a poor person when you’re boating on anything less than a yacht, but you don’t feel like taking the yacht out because it’s being renovated? Then what do you do?
You take your Dolphin Power Boat.
Dolphin Power Boat, $65,000, because screw you.
Do you like chocolate, but think Godiva is for street urchins? I mean, of course it is. You need to make your own chocolate with this 3D chocolate printer.
3D Chocolate printer, $4,000, because eff you.
Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to BBQ and your expensive shoes keep sinking into the grass? You gotta take this thing to the seas. The Barbeque Dining Boat is the answer to the question that few have dared to ask.
Barbeque Dining Boat, $50,000, because God hates you.
Now here’s something for poorer people:
For a mere $1,124.99, this diabolical bulldog ring can park itself right on your damn finger. Be edgy and make it your engagement ring. You’re rich, what do you care?
Gold Bulldog Ring, $1,124.99, because LOL.
Sometimes you have to interview someone for a new spot in your company. You want them to know who’s boss. So obviously, you’re going to wear a Batman suit.
Batman Motorcycle Suit, $1,540.00, because they can.
But what do you buy your kids? Sure, they could make a pillow fort, or you could buy them one. But instead of pillows, it’s a damn castle.
Bedroom Fort Playhouse, $18,000, because sod off.
You’ve covered their inside toy, but what about their outside toy? A basketball hoop and a slide really isn’t acceptable. How dare you for even thinking it. It’s okay, you can buy a gigantic Sailboat Playhouse with “a captain’s quarters large enough even for adults to join along.” Thank goodness!
Sailboat Playhouse, $52,000, because you suck.
Refrigerators are for simpletons. You aim bigger.
Walk In Beer Cooler, $6,349, because America.
Sometimes when you look down at people, you really need to look down at people. You need to actually hover above them. And now you can.
The Flying Hovercraft, $190,000, because. Just because.
Now, don’t you feel much better?
Featured image by Loomis Dean, 1957.