Apocalypstick Gifts For Broke Bitches Almie Rose

I am hilariously broke! You, too? Great! We can still give each other wonderful holiday gifts.

You know what I would love? If someone showed up and cleaned my apartment. No, seriously. Wouldn’t that be the best gift ever? In this economy, the greatest gift we can give each other is the gift of convenience.

vintage maid

Pictured: the best friend in the history of ever.

A spa certificate or basket from Bath & Body Works sure would be lovely, but there’s a cheaper way to give your best bitch some beauty treatment. Try Diet Cherry 7UP! Look, it says “Antioxidant” on the label, so it has to be good for you!

cherry 7up

Diet Cherry 7Up, $.99 with your Vons card.

You buy 100 bobby pins. Three days later, you can only find three, two of which are on the floor. How does this happen? Same thing with hair ties/elastics, right? Time to step up to BFF status and buy your gal a basket of hair things that girls lose.

vintage hair

If only I had more Bobby pins, I'd get that raise for sure! And then I'd spend it on crack.

Bobby pins are available at any drugstore or 99 cent store, but if you want to feel fancy, you can buy a pack of them for $1 at Forever 21. Or if you want to be hilariously impractical, you can order them online here. I’m sure that Claire’s has a wonderful assortment of delightful hair bands of all colors of all rainbows, even colors we can’t even see with human eyes.

“Wow, Almie,” you’re probably saying if you’re reading this far, “You’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, aren’t you?” You bet your sweet bippy I am. How about a gift that costs you zero dollars? Sounds like a magical mystery tour, doesn’t it? I have the gift for you. It will take you some time to make, but it’s worth it. Find old clips and photos of you and your BFF and get on iMovie and make an adorable little video! You can go cheesy with it and set it to Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend” or go really weird with it and set it to Lana Del Rey’s cover of “Blue Velvet” — I’m not going to judge, your friend isn’t going to judge and this guy Darryl here isn’t going to judge.

old timey cowboy

"Yep, I'm cool with it."

 

If you have $20, spend $10 of it on a Starbucks card and wrap it in a slice of pizza.

george harrison 70s

Oh whatever, George Harrison, don't even look at me like that. You don't even know. Okay?

 

Featured image, Teenage girl having nail polish touches added to her sunglasses, by Nina Leen. 

For more ideas, check out 5 Best Free Holiday Gifts.

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  1. This is awesome. I actually would be quite delighted to receive a basket of hair ties. My cat steals them. That bitch.

    Also: WTF BOBBY PINS. I saw a thing on Pinterest once about gluing a magnetic strip to the inside of your bathroom cabinet or whatever and then holding all of your bobby pins on it and I thought it was the greatest idea ever, but I haven’t done it yet and every day I find more bobby pins everywhere to the point where I just ignore them. Maybe someday I’ll round them up. It’ll be like an Easter egg hunt, but for grownups.

  2. No lie, when asked, I put bobby pins down as my #1 stocking stuffer. A whole basket of hair accessories would probably lead to a hairgasm.

  3. I love the old-timey pictures :3 but I’m extremely broke too, and some guy in my class decided it would be fun to have a secret Santa (everyone in my class is on benefits :L ) This is great :)

  4. Do you do the pizza wrap by laying the card under the cheese? Or is it a fold like a taco and stick it in the middle kind of thing?

    • I would wrap the card in saran wrap, and then tuck that under the cheese, and then wrap the entire thing in saran wrap, or tinfoil, or gold tinfoil if you want to get fancy.

      Apocalypstick | 12/11/2012 01:12 pm
  5. You can come over when you’re in town and clean my room. You’re welcome.

  6. I usually find these types of gift-giving lists completely un-relateable, but this rad.

  7. Well… I am quite broke, but I would rather make macaroni art and give it then most of these ideas. Hahaha.

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