Ghost Bros: My Anti-Love Letter To Zak Bagans

I found myself in an odd predicament when a man-friend asked if I would ever engage in what I can politely describe as “physical tomfoolery” with one Zak Bagans, host of Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel. I said I would not.

Nope. Not into his abs at all.

I don’t think he believed me, but truth is, I’m not attracted to big, buff, ripped dudes. Would I hold him? Yes. I’d hold Zak Bagans like he was a child who came home with a bad note pinned to his shirt and his eyes full of tears. I’d hug that bro so hard if he was shaken up in the middle of the night by the horrifying recollection of some demon voice he once heard in an abandoned hospital in Kentucky. I would be there for him.

I respect you for your mind, Zak.

Ghost Adventures is my guilty pleasure. I have stayed up until four in the morning to watch it on Friday and Saturday nights and will continue to do so if and when I’m not busy being a floozy. I leave the television on in the background while I’m scribbling ideas into my journal and I look up whenever I hear him yell at Aaron, commanding, “DON’T RUN!” or “MARK IT X.”

Nick is a cutie too, but it’s hard not to let my attention go to Zak, who has fully dedicated himself to actively hunting ghosts, coaxing them out of their ethereal and eternal hiding places. No episode is yet as hormonally compelling or memorable as the one where he has to take his shirt off for the sake of the investigation. He absolutely did not do this to make fertile wombs everywhere swoon. No, he took his shirt off because the ghosts in that particular building were known for hating tattoos. In fact, one of his fancy electronic ghost hunting devices captured the word “loud” as a response from one of the spirits and he immediately interpreted this as a critique on his body art and not his Affliction t-shirts.

I’ve heard people say he’s a d-bag. I would venture to say he’s more of a borderline d-bag but only if we are discussing his ghost hunting etiquette. Sure, he is very brazen, loud and at times (almost all the time) obnoxious, but that’s the attitude that seems to get the spooks to come out of their corners and give some of the best EVPs (electronic voice phenomena) I’ve heard on television.

What keeps me hooked is that he is also a total dork. He has bad hair days just like the rest of us (not me) and he doesn’t know all the words to ‘Comin’ Round The Mountain’ but he still gave it a try. Also, he’s very polite to the people who own or manage the buildings he and his crew visit. I take note of this especially when he is being shown around by young women. Now and then he lets escape the slightest of flirtations, but he is so mindful of the show being family programming that it makes me think he’ll make a great father someday to our children.

I recently followed him on Twitter and got the idea that it would make me the happiest girl on the Internet if he followed me back. I even asked some of my followers and friends to help me campaign for it, but it’s possible that he read all his @ replies and decided that whoever this “WritingInBed” loser is, she’s not worth a follow and she has GOT TO STOP TWEETING ABOUT MY SHIRTS. Pretty sure that’s what he said while scrolling his time line, already thinking about me.

Told you he's a dork.

He has certainly grown since Season 1 of the show. Back then, he had striped shirts and boyish good looks. Now he’s a bit more muscular and I wonder if for every beer he drinks he also does 1,000 sit ups. Maybe I have mixed feelings about him. If I ever met him, I would probably want to poke his stomach and maybe wash my delicates (not a euphemism) on them. And contrary to popular belief as well as what I write in my journal, I would not want to see him naked, nor would I engage in lewd acts because part of me is afraid that when something finally becomes a reality, it also has the potential to become disappointing and at this point in my life, I could never afford to get a bad taste in my mouth (no double meaning) when I want to watch my favorite show.

My Friday and Saturday nights, if they are not occupied by the company of a gentleman who has won my favor, shall find themselves occupied with the screeching and haunting intro of Ghost Adventures and the flashing images of old dolls and Zak’s mouth agape under a hanging light bulb.