ENTRTNMNT Ghost Bros: My Anti-Love Letter To Zak Bagans Marianna Tabares

I found myself in an odd predicament when a man-friend asked if I would ever engage in what I can politely describe as “physical tomfoolery” with one Zak Bagans, host of Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel. I said I would not.

Nope. Not into his abs at all.

I don’t think he believed me, but truth is, I’m not attracted to big, buff, ripped dudes. Would I hold him? Yes. I’d hold Zak Bagans like he was a child who came home with a bad note pinned to his shirt and his eyes full of tears. I’d hug that bro so hard if he was shaken up in the middle of the night by the horrifying recollection of some demon voice he once heard in an abandoned hospital in Kentucky. I would be there for him.

I respect you for your mind, Zak.

Ghost Adventures is my guilty pleasure. I have stayed up until four in the morning to watch it on Friday and Saturday nights and will continue to do so if and when I’m not busy being a floozy. I leave the television on in the background while I’m scribbling ideas into my journal and I look up whenever I hear him yell at Aaron, commanding, “DON’T RUN!” or “MARK IT X.”

Nick is a cutie too, but it’s hard not to let my attention go to Zak, who has fully dedicated himself to actively hunting ghosts, coaxing them out of their ethereal and eternal hiding places. No episode is yet as hormonally compelling or memorable as the one where he has to take his shirt off for the sake of the investigation. He absolutely did not do this to make fertile wombs everywhere swoon. No, he took his shirt off because the ghosts in that particular building were known for hating tattoos. In fact, one of his fancy electronic ghost hunting devices captured the word “loud” as a response from one of the spirits and he immediately interpreted this as a critique on his body art and not his Affliction t-shirts.

I’ve heard people say he’s a d-bag. I would venture to say he’s more of a borderline d-bag but only if we are discussing his ghost hunting etiquette. Sure, he is very brazen, loud and at times (almost all the time) obnoxious, but that’s the attitude that seems to get the spooks to come out of their corners and give some of the best EVPs (electronic voice phenomena) I’ve heard on television.

What keeps me hooked is that he is also a total dork. He has bad hair days just like the rest of us (not me) and he doesn’t know all the words to ‘Comin’ Round The Mountain’ but he still gave it a try. Also, he’s very polite to the people who own or manage the buildings he and his crew visit. I take note of this especially when he is being shown around by young women. Now and then he lets escape the slightest of flirtations, but he is so mindful of the show being family programming that it makes me think he’ll make a great father someday to our children.

I recently followed him on Twitter and got the idea that it would make me the happiest girl on the Internet if he followed me back. I even asked some of my followers and friends to help me campaign for it, but it’s possible that he read all his @ replies and decided that whoever this “WritingInBed” loser is, she’s not worth a follow and she has GOT TO STOP TWEETING ABOUT MY SHIRTS. Pretty sure that’s what he said while scrolling his time line, already thinking about me.

Told you he's a dork.

He has certainly grown since Season 1 of the show. Back then, he had striped shirts and boyish good looks. Now he’s a bit more muscular and I wonder if for every beer he drinks he also does 1,000 sit ups. Maybe I have mixed feelings about him. If I ever met him, I would probably want to poke his stomach and maybe wash my delicates (not a euphemism) on them. And contrary to popular belief as well as what I write in my journal, I would not want to see him naked, nor would I engage in lewd acts because part of me is afraid that when something finally becomes a reality, it also has the potential to become disappointing and at this point in my life, I could never afford to get a bad taste in my mouth (no double meaning) when I want to watch my favorite show.

My Friday and Saturday nights, if they are not occupied by the company of a gentleman who has won my favor, shall find themselves occupied with the screeching and haunting intro of Ghost Adventures and the flashing images of old dolls and Zak’s mouth agape under a hanging light bulb.

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  1. my hubs & i luuuurve GA, we’ve been watching for years now, and that’s pretty much our Friday & Saturday night routine– the hubs originally nicknamed the show “Ghost Bully” b/c of the way Zak bosses those ghosties around! My 4 year old daughter calls the show “Green Guys” which i think is equally hilarious. This show is like an obsession to many.

  2. I pretty much love everything about this post and the fact that Zak anti-loves you, too.

  3. My boyfriend and I actually have Ghost Adventures to thank for the start of our relationship, oddly enough…

    When we were first started hanging out (before dating was even a thought on our minds), I would come over to watch tv and we would end up watching ghost adventures every single time just to make fun of Zak’s extra medium t shirts, baggy gangster jeans, which he accessorizes with his over sized belt buckle. By the end of season 2, we were so engaged and into the show, we would end up cuddled next to each other under a blanket (me, afraid, him taking advantage of the fact I was scared). 1 1/2 years later, here we are living with each other, and still watching ghost adventures.

    I tried thanking Zak via Facebook once, I mentioned how we started off by making fun of what he wore, but that we genuinely enjoyed the show, and how it brought us together. Unfortunately he deleted it. Sad. But I still love their show!

    • That’s a really sweet story! But what a bummer that your testimony got deleted. There was a guy I was supposed to do the same with, but it never happened. It was last Halloween, I believe, and unfortunately I had to be up early the next day so I couldn’t stay up late for the GA marathon. OH WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN.

  4. That….was awesome.

  5. i’m a ghost adventures FANATIC. and that is no joke. i’m obsessed and i can’t stop. it’s like once i open a bag of hot cheetos. i just can’t stop. but yes, zak bagans is everything that i hate in a guy, but gahhhh, i love that man. i love him. love, love, love, love him. i went to vegas for christmas and went on a little bagans excursion. i didn’t find him, obviously because you’d see a ring on his finger.

    but i have got to stop getting drunk and tweeting him. that’s probably why my twitter has decided to mysteriously stop working?

  6. he is a d-bag he pretty did the same thing to me an he dosn’t even treat his fans fairly unless there blond with fake tits. If he didnt want all this atteintion then he shouldnt have started going this. You showed him for real ass that he is . good for you.

  7. Ok, here’s my theory. He’s a nerd that wants so badly to be cool, he just emulates what the entertainment he watches tells him is cool. Yes, this means that I think he only watches Jersey Shore and sports, but let’s be real I’m probably not far off.

    In that way, he reminds me of my bro-roomate, or broomie. The Broomie plays RPGs and is a video game programmer that drives a Jeep and wears Hollister almost exclusively. He’s from Nebraska and once gave me his very Midwestern take on how you can either fit in or be judged by society. He does not want to be judged.

    I also once told my mom, who watches Ghost Adventures like it’s a sitcom, that guys who look like Zak are the ones that I actively avoid at bars.

  8. Very well done, Marianna. Couldn’t have fantasized…er, I mean, wrote…it better myself.

  9. to clarify, it’s not season 1 when the brick flies, it’s a documentary that came before the show. anyhoo, it’s still a great thing to watch if you’re into pooping your pants.

  10. Fully agreed about not wanting to be disappointed, but there is definitely in inner part of me that admits to wondering… and it helps when you know it’s a man you’ll never meet! Can’t embarrass myself that way. :)

    • I would probably kiss him on the cheek. But I did mean it when i told my man-friend that I wouldn’t bone Zak Bagans. I just won’t ever do it! Not that I have a shot, but even if I did, no no no!

  11. Marianna, you are absolutely AWESOME!!! You would get his attention… hahaha… LOVE IT!!!

  12. ZAK ANTI LOVES ME TOO YOU GUYS OH GOD OH GOD

  13. OMG! ZAK READ YOUR ARTICLE AND TWEETED THAT HE ANTI-LOVED YOU TOO.

  14. I hope he reads this! Awesome!

  15. I’ve never seen a single episode of this show but this article made me want to start like yesterday.

    • Season 1 is pretty cool, especially the very first episode where that brick flies from the ground and they catch it on tape. In later seasons they return to the hotel where that happened and it’s still a really scary place. Later seasons, things get a little “theatrical” but they stay fun.

  16. This is so funny to me because just two nights ago, I was watching this show and thinking, “This would make a hilarious Christopher Guest mockumentary.” At one moment the tech specialist got on to Zak for taunting the voodoo doll, so Zak yells, “I’m not taunting you, I’m just yelling really loudly!” It tickled me so much, I had to jot that one down…

  17. My favorite part of the show is when Aaron is talking/running/breathing and Zak screams, “BE QUIET! BE QUIET! SHUT UP! BE QUIET! JUST STOP TALKING! STOP RUNNING! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! STOP TALKING! SHUT UP!” as loudly as possible, totally scaring the ghosts away I mean SERIOUSLY, I thought he was supposed to be a professional, you know? But then all he does is look at the camera or give a really, really terrible voice over with the worst grammar I have ever heard and I’m like, “Oh, you. You just keep being you, Mister Bagans.” I will never not love that show.

    Becca Sands | 10/09/2011 06:10 am