I always thought that I had a solid sense of style. I knew what I liked and knew what I didn’t, and I felt like I had a good amount of self-esteem. Sure, I had my fair share of body issues that manifested in different ways, including feeling like nothing in my entire closet looked right or random days where I just felt…gross, but overall I would have described myself as being pretty confident in my own skin. You may also notice that I’m speaking here in the past tense, which hints at some sort of divide marking then and now…
Before even getting pregnant, I remember overhearing some of my Mom friends talk about how it took them so long to get back to feeling like themselves after having children. I recall sitting there listening, kind of shocked that these women could have actually (*gasp*) lost track of their style or who they were. It’s just a baby, right? I was positive that would never happen to me.
Fast forward through my pregnancy and some months after birth, and I found myself in exactly that predicament. It’s hard to explain – I felt happier than I’d ever been, but yet just didn’t feel like me. And it went beyond the physical. Even though I had this sense of contentment, something felt off when it came to how I felt about myself. I think back to a particularly dramatic (and in hindsight embarrassing) moment about 5 months after having Henry, sitting on the floor of my closet surrounded by all of the clothing I had pulled down from their hangers. I had a dinner to attend and an outfit to put together, but nothing fit well. Nothing looked right. Everything was different than it had been before I was pregnant. I sat there feeling like the most unattractive girl alive. Part emotional and part hormonal, I was in a sad state that evening.
So while sitting there in our closet, knee-deep in a pile of clothes I suddenly loathed and feeling sorry for myself, I decided that it was high time I snapped out of this ridiculous self-loathing. Hello, I just had a baby! Of course I don’t look the same. And it was absolutely okay that I didn’t feel the same, too. It was hard for me to really pinpoint what was wrong, but I knew it had to change.
Now my son is about to be a year old and it’s taken just as long to get my groove back. I’m not talking about weight here, or even specifically looking good in clothes or feeling attractive… I mean feeling like ME. Funny, vivacious, attractive me! At least that’s how my Mom describes me.
But really, here are some things that helped:
1. Get ready. (Almost) every single day.
Now, I am definitely one for yoga pants and tank tops when I’m lounging around the house, but when you’re a stay at home Mom or a Mom who is taking some time off, day after day of not getting ready might start to make you feel crazy. However, there is a fabulous breed of women who don’t even need to get ready to feel good (my friend Shirley is so effortlessly chic she can roll out of bed and look/feel amazing), and maybe that’s you. But there are also women like me, who really feel better throwing on some tinted moisturizer and mascara. When I take even a few minutes to primp a little, I always feel a better and more confident, and that starts to seep into other areas of my life, too. So even if you’re a new Mom who isn’t planning on leaving your house for a few days, still take a second and do something that makes you feel good. Paint your nails, put on some blush…or even the basics, like brushing those teeth. Although hopefully you’re already on top of that.
2. Be kind to yourself.
I’ve always been an avid magazine reader, pop-culture aficionado, whatever you want to call it. I love looking at all of the “Dos and Don’ts” in those silly (amazing) magazines, who’s pregnant, who’s cheating on who, who wore what, where. Give me the trashiest gossip magazine and you can consider me occupied for a good hour. One thing I’ve always noticed, though, is how much those magazines focus on weight – how much so-and-so has lost or gained, how you-know-who shed her baby weight in one week, all of the details of a 800-calorie a day “detox-diet”. Important stuff, right? And after reading so many articles about various new Moms being bikini ready in one week, I started to feel like maybe I should also also feel ready for such things. Or at least already be back to my normal size. Seriously, though? Give me a break. I had far more important things to focus on, but there I was, beating myself up because I wasn’t back in my skinny jeans. I think it’s so important to give your body the time it needs to just do what it has to do, be it healing, feeding your child through nursing, whatever. You sustained a life for close to a year, and I feel like a lot of the time we as new Moms forget this and are too hard on ourselves. Be kind.
3. Realize your identity doesn’t have to be only a Mom.
This was the best realization I came to. Sure, that little person thrives because of you, but girlfriend, you gotta do YOU. You have to go out with your friends, your sister, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, whatever. You are a Mom, but you are not just a Mom. I think once you break out of that routine even for a couple of hours and shake it up, go out on the town, whatever, you will feel more like you in no time. Recently I went on a girls’ trip to Las Vegas with a few of my favorite ladies and it was absolutely bizarre to have two days to do as I pleased. I slept in a little (and by a little I mean 7:30am), took two leisurely hours to get ready each night and indulged in doing little stints of absolutely nothing. My friends and I girl talked for hours on end, ate delicious food and danced well into the night. It was glorious. And although I missed my son and husband like crazy, this trip was so good for me. I came home feeling refreshed and ready to get back to my normal life, and I fully attribute that weekend to finishing up my “getting my groove back” journey. And it’s not like you have to go to Vegas to do it. Any old fun place, be it a local bar, bowling alley, or heck, even Applebee’s with friends just may do the trick.
So how about you? Are you a Mom? Did you have a hard time adjusting after having a baby? How long did it take for you to full feel like your “old self?” I’d love to hear more!
image via thegloc.net
I feel like this post was written just for me.
My son is 19 months old. I haven’t lost all my baby weight but I feel really good about my weight. I did have a very hard time discovering a new sense of style after I had my son. I was always wearing short shorts or low cut tops … basically I was going out a lot and that attire is not appropriate or practical for motherhood. Once I got back out shopping (because it took me a long time to want to spend money on myself plus I nursed for 9 months so I needed tops that were boobie accessible) I really enjoyed finding new,cute stylish things that made me feel good about myself. I don’t think I have ever felt more confident as I do now as a mother. HOWEVER, I have a really hard time taking time out for myself. I work and when I get home I just want to be with my son and his father. When my son goes to sleep to me that is my MOMMY time to relax. Everyone tells me I need to go out and spend time “out” with my fiance or friends but I still feel so guilty when I do that it’s really hard for me to relax… especially when I go out with friends. I feel like when I go out or have a drink I am being a bad Mom. I know I am not but I guess that’s my biggest issue as a Mother. I really enjoyed this post. I felt like you pulled it right out of my brain!
MY daughter is 16 mpnths old and I’m just getting there – I’ve started what I am calling a re-glamourization project on myself. It involves doing my hair at night so it looks cool in the morning, mascara , real pants- you get the idea – baby steps
i thought that picture looked familiar! i had danielle as a teacher in high school. crasy! i’m about 8 months at the moment and already feeling strange about being able to dress myself without a big belly. I had to take a moment of silence for the cut up band shirts and holey skinny jeans i’ve had to put away.
Brilliant article! I remember trying on bathing suits for the first time after having my first daughter – my husband yelling into the dressing room asking why I was taking soooo long… I had to explain – listen, this is a whole new body and I’ve got to figure out how and what fits. Definitely takes time… And I absolutely, whole-heartedly agree with all three points!
My s0n is nearly 6mo old and it’s been really hard to do anything about me anymore. Any money I have goes to something cute I see for him, clothes to grow into, etc… I don’t know how to dress this new body. I’ve never had belly flab before, never been above a size 12, can’t even fit this milk tastic rack into my old shirts.
I miss my old self. I miss video games and baking. I miss my clothes. Hopefully once I land a job again my “groove” will start to show up again.
I have 3 children under 6. Two boys aged 5 and a half and a 4 year old who was diagnosed with Autistic Disorder in May, and a 17 month old little girl. And I still don’t feel like me yet. Probably because I’ve been changing nappies for 5 years and have very little adult stimulation. Pretty for me is a bit of make up and comfortable but pretty clothes. However going up town and finding out my daughter has put chocolate finger stains on te back of my top is fairly normal. Also we don’t have a date night anymore as our son has significant separation anxiety ad is difficult for people to look after, but we take one day at a time x
My first baby just turned a year two weeks ago and I’d have to say some days I feel like me and some days (like today), I look in the mirror and think “Who is that woman? Am I even still in there?” For me, it’s a lot to do with sleep. I don’t have a sleeper (and right now he’s got a cold, hence the way I feel today!) but there’s been a lot of factors contributing to why I think it’s taken me so long to find my groove again. We have moved three countries in the last 12 months (yes, you read that right!) and now we find ourselves jobless, living with my folks back in Australia due to some hasty decisions and some circumstances out of our control. My identity was so much wrapped up in being a traveler, a full-time volunteer, expat living in China and now I find myself living in my own country for the fist time in six years, starting from scratch, making new friends and just generally getting used to living as a family of three instead of two. I like who I was before baby. Now everything is different and I have to get used to that too. I’m hoping to find a new groove, one that I like just as much if not more than the old one.
Every woman is different, and it’s so comforting to read this post.
I work full-time, have a 2year old with another one on the way. Thanks to my supportive partner, I’m able to work, engage in hobbies I love AND spend quality time with my daughter.
Sometimes I’m guilted by Mom friends who don’t feel as balanced (“You went away for a weekend, by YOURSELF?!”) and just when I start to feel guilty I realize that – at least for me – working and taking time to sew/run/blog/read are just as important as spending time with my daughter.
It takes 9 months to have a baby and I think it’s true that they say it takes (at least) 9 months to get back to “normal.”
I have a 4 yr old and a 2 mth old and somedays I am happy to just be able to do my hair. I am starting to feel alot more like myself since I make a point to give myself a pedicure every week. Now its time to start the workouts more often. Hopefully soon my cute dresses will fit perfectly!
Yep, it does take a while. My son was totally unplanned and we moved away from our families when he was only 7 months old, and I think that might have something to do with the fact that it took me 2 years.. or a little longer, before I really started getting back into my groove! But your tips
are the best, that’s really what it comes down to when trying to settle into the addition of “mom” to your self image.
My daughter is 14 months and I’m finally sick of my clothes not fitting right. It was hard to get in showers because she wouldn’t nap without me until right around 12 months. Now I use her naptime to workout, shower and get dressed. I still don’t feel 100% like, “me” but I have my moments when I’ve had a few glasses of wine
It’s really crazy during that moment you realize you just aren’t yourself.
For me… a shower and a little mascara go far for my self esteem.
I read this kind of thing often and now make a conscious point to appreciate the last days of my pre-pregnancy bod. Ha.
I am in the VERY preliminary talks about having children with my husband…and this touched on some of my biggest concerns. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thanks so much for this insight! I’m on the journey to becoming a first time mom and I’m as nervous as can be about the ‘aftermath”. If someone as charismatic and put together as yourself has gone through this and come out the other side, it makes me feel normal.
Just as I felt like I was getting my groove back after having my daughter, I got pregnant with my son! I have now been pregnant nursing pregnant nursing continuously for three years in a row and I have just four months to go before I stop nursing for the second time and then I will feel normal again. In the meantime, yes, yes, yes to getting ready (even a little bit) each day and to taking a break from being a mommy every once in a while.
We are talking about trying for baby number two and I keep thinking about how I just got to feeling back to my normal self…and it’s all going to start again!
I still don’t feel like me and my son is 14mths… Great article!
Thank you! I know you will get there <3
Thank you Danielle for this article. I’m glad I am not the only one who feels like I have lost myself post partum. I could actually relate to this. I put on MAC Ruby Woo everyday as a little feel good pick me up. It really does work!
Yes, it really does work! I prefer Russian Red myself!
Yay red lipstick.