I Saw the Sign Written in the Stars: January 2013 Horoscopes Jessica Tholmer

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It is a new year, and we have a new column! Come horoscope with us, my dear Gigglers!

Capricorn:

By nature, sweet Capricorn, you are an introverted soul. Perhaps it is the picky necessity for structure that you inhabit. Perhaps it is just that you enjoy being alone more than you enjoy being around other people. There is something to remember this month, though, as you enter into a brand new year: we learn from others as well as we learn from ourselves. Though you are one of the more intelligent signs (introverts tend to be quiet for a reason), you should remind yourself while writing your New Year’s Resolutions that the end does not always justify the mean. Try new things this month, broaden your horizons. You do not know everything…quite yet.

Famous Goats: Jude Law (40), Jason Bateman (44), Mary J. Blige (42), Nicolas Cage (49), Jim Carrey (51), Seth Meyers (40), Michelle Obama (49), and our own Molly McAleer  (29) and Miss Zooey Deschanel (33).

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Aquarius:
A famous Aquarian once claimed: “All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower wherever the flower would grow in thought and mind.” You are famous in your inner circle, sweet Water Bearer, for being brilliant. By nature, you focus on academia and intelligence. You are most likely the smartest person in any room, unless you are by some sad stroke of bad luck, in a room full of other Aquarians. The competitive nature in a scenario such as that one would be too much for the hardest of hearts to bear. But this man, this wise old Aquarian has a point to his statement: you already know how smart you truly are. Apply that to your relationships and help broaden multiple horizons at once. You are smart, but you are not always sensitive.

Use your knowledge for good.

Famous Water Bearers: Abraham Lincoln, Jennifer Aniston (44), Christian Bale (39), Portia de Rossi (40) and Ellen DeGeneres (55) (love match!), Dr. Dre (48), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (32), Laura Linney (49), Molly Ringwald (45), John Travolta (59), Oprah (59).

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Pisces:
It is not a stretch of the imagination to claim that you are idealistic, little fishy. Did you know, however, that the non-idealistic ones of the world find this kind of intense escapism irritating? There are those stubborn and realistic enough to not allow their minds to reach into the depths of the unknown. Perhaps this month, and throughout the rest of the year, it should be your project to help others see through the eyes of a Dreamer. You have been accused of being childlike once or twice throughout your life, but don’t we all crave the innocence of twinkling children’s minds? Never lose your innocence, even when someone is trying to make you do so.

Aries:
Among the many strong characteristics of an Aries, intelligence rings strong and proud. Being intelligent is an objective description, however. Sometimes, the smartest members of mankind do a fantastic job of acting like idiots. I would recommend leaning on the fact that you know you are brilliant and perhaps aiming your focus on personal happiness this year instead. As “money can’t buy you love,” personal brilliance cannot buy you happiness. Make yourself happy this year.

Taurus:
Do you ever wonder which fictional characters share a birthright with you? Though it is hard to peg down which fictional characters from literature or film or television were “born,” it can still be a good time to figure out which qualities you believe you share with those beloved people. Many believe Alice of Alice in Wonderland is a Taurus, and let us think about it: Alice’s practicality–the way she downplays the silliness of the Mad Hatter and the riddles from the Caterpillar prove her stubborn ram-ness. But what if Alice had let go and let her imagination capture the best of her? The characters in Alice in Wonderland learn from Alice, but what did she learn from them? Yes, dear Taurus, you are wise and independent and certain, but what if you pushed your stubbornness aside and learned something from the people you encounter on a regular basis? Seize those learning experiences.

Gemini:
We all know that Geminis are the twins, right? Twins are an interesting concept: the “psychic” connection that they share with one another, the similarities, sometimes exact, in appearance and behavior, the mixed-upness they encounter throughout their lives. How interesting to have all of that within yourself. How conflicting. How complicated. How opinionated you must be. These are things you have likely heard your entire life, and maybe the critique has bothered you, and maybe it has not. Maybe (and not maybe, because I am telling you), you should bank on that information and help someone else out with all of that personality you have within you. Maybe you should spread the love, oh wise ones.

Cancer:
Moonchild, you have a bad reputation in the zodiac, and I would venture to guess you are misunderstood in other aspects of your life, as well. They call you moody, emotional, sensitive–even though all of these things ring familiar for you, they do not have to be taken as negative qualities. To start off your New Year, begin by redefining your “moodiness.” Next month, we will tackle “emotional.” The next time you are in a really great mood, make plans for yourself instead of waiting for someone else’s suggestion, and relish in your own happiness. The next time you don’t want to, just don’t. Focus on one thing at a time, and I guarantee you will be less, well, Crabby.

Leo:
When you hear the phrase “king of the jungle,” what do you envision? I envision not Mufasa, but his king son Simba–the loudmouthed, adventurous, charming, semi-rebellious, secretly sensitive, loyal and haughty protagonist of Disney’s The Lion King. You have never drawn comparisons before between yourself and a cartoon lion, I am guessing, but it is not much of a leap out of realism. You will always have your Scars (in more way than one) — the ones who wish / attempt to fail you. You will always have your Zazus — the eye-rolling naysayers that will support you, but find you obnoxiously pompous. But what makes your life worthwhile will be that you always have your Nalas — the ones who carry your heart, who will unabashedly put you in your place, who never stop pushing you toward what they know you are capable of becoming. Tell your Nalas that you love them. You forget to do so too often.

Virgo:
We all need some alone time to recuperate after the holiday season, am I right, dear Virgo? Hustle and bustle are exhausting, gift giving and receiving and smiling and singing and drinking and dancing and…I am tired again just writing this out. You have never needed a holiday season to exhaust yourself socially, though, have you? You need recuperation time even after a night out with friends. I will not suggest you change your introverted tendencies, I will only suggest you use it wisely. Recuperation can benefit you greatly if you utilize your alone time in whichever way it will benefit you the most. Pick a project this year. It will make your alone time less frustrating to those around you. You may be the secret to your own success.

Libra:
Teeter-totters are based on weight, not decision making, but what if that were not the case? You may have avoided teeter-totters when you were a child, not only because you are not particularly into game playing, but also because you are so well balanced. Duh, your sign is a set of scales. You are the one in your friends and family that will not cause or continue a fight, but simply state your needs/wants and believe that everyone will act accordingly. More often than not, you get your way–not because you are spoiled or demanding (though you can be both of those things), but because you are patient and, probably right. Going into this New Year, you should take this knowledge of yourself and use it to teach your loved ones how to balance their own lives instead of relying on you. Yes, you take sides, but your coyness is the key. Not everyone possesses that golden quality, but everyone is capable of learning. Teach us, Libra loves.

Scorpio:
Sylvia Plath, one of the most famously private enigmas of an artist, was a Scorpio. Everyone knows her tragic story: beautiful writer, hard life full of struggling within herself, death by suicide (head in the oven, to be exact). I will not claim that all Scorpios are profound, yet troubled  artists, but…well, maybe I will claim that. Such is life. To be honest, a Scorpio does not even need a horoscope, for you already have thoughts and feelings deeper than anyone else will ever understand. A Scorpio will keep to oneself, will hold everything in not because of the vulnerability of letting one’s feelings be known, but because the deep emotions of one Scorpio could never be understood by another member of the Zodiac. Turn to your art, dear Scorpio. This year, turn to your art and release your emotions that way, please. If you are not a writer yet, give it a try. If you are not a singer or dancer, give it a try. If you are not yet a painter, pick up the brush. You will be pleasantly surprised, and you will be doing your loved ones a favor.

Sagittarius:
Have you ever heard of the story “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”? Even though you should have by this point in your life, I will recap you. A little shepherd boy spends his days repeatedly tricking the villagers into thinking a wolf is attacking his herd of sheep. By the time a real wolf comes after the boy’s herd, none of the village people believe him, and he loses all. The moral of the story is, of course, that when liars are telling the truth, they are still considered liars. We human beings, and especially you dreamy Centaurs, tend to forget that exaggerations and omissions can be considered lies as well as the blatant untruths. To start your year off on the right foot, stop crying wolf in all the various ways you know how.

Come back for your February forecast! <3

comments

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  1. I’m a Scorpio, my moms a Pisces and the girl I want is a Sagittarius. I’m in trouble.

  2. I’m a social butterfly but love my time alone & always prefer to work alone & my partner is a psychologist (and most of time know-it-all)….i won’t say anything more but spot on!!

  3. I love reading my horoscope because it is always dead-on correct!